Self Reflection

The More It Happens…


To break out of my religious rants lately and back into Leemanism, I was just thinking throughout the day that there are things that has been stopping the ‘progression’ of certain situations from happening in the last year since I came back from Hong Kong, but before I continue, a tune for you…

Tune: “Kishida Shun” From Kakyuusei 2
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port

A couple of nights ago, I received a call at 2 in the morning. The offer was very tempting, and unfortunately, I agreed to it. Fortunately however, considering a circumstance, the action didn’t go through. So as I laid in bed that morning, trying to fall asleep, I thought that it was fortunate that it didn’t happen.

As this year gets closer to my trip to Hong Kong again, things keep popping up. There are all these temptations, and my mind and body is completely split in terms of desire and holding back. To say the least, I feel stupid for making up excuses, but I want to make up excuses to stop myself from committing any actions that may lead me astray. Sounds off eh? Astray? Leeman?

It’s difficult to admit this, but what I used to be able to do, is not easily doable as I age. It’s not that I am incapable. It’s because I can’t justify doing any of them. Yes, it’s fun talking and chatting away to the wee hours of the night, flirting and talking dirty as the night goes on, but I almost feel as if it’s enough to just know that I can.

Jon, does that sound familiar? Except you were at least 4 years ahead of me…

Tune: “Return To Innocence” by Enigma

Back in the day, when I had less religious friends – actually only one religious friend back in the day, but I’m proud to say that he became independently Christian – still spiritual but not religious. I’m so proud of him…

Actually, I completely forgot what I wanted to mention. Ah well…

The offer was tempting. Very tempting, and I really wanted to do it, but as much as my body wanted to, but mind kept thinking, “Nah, no, this isn’t what I really want.” Mind you, this wasn’t the only time, but…

In short, [ponders] Hehe… Hahahahaha… [laughs some more] Nevermind.

I don’t even know why I bother entering this entry when I refuse to expose further, my inner thoughts. Has outlived its use? You have no idea how many times in the past, had I closed this site, then to have a couple of my friends email me and ask me what’s wrong and to motivate me to keep going.

I knew a guy who had a blog from the mid 90’s all the way to roughly 2004 or 2005. It was all text and no pictures mind you, but he had over a million visitors every year. I have roughly 130 thousand visitors a month – 56% of them search engine bots mind you. Unlike other blog sites, I seem to have a lot of lurkers that come here and occasionally email me to tell me about their thoughts, or to reflect on something about their own events. It’s nice to know that I help others realize their own thoughts and dreams, but I have to tell you that I have my own tempers and my own ‘flaws’. Don’t take my word for it.

Let’s put it this way. When I began this site, my heart wanted an outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts into. All that crap that happened in my previous relationship needed some bandages and no one could really help me except myself, and so I thought creating this site would help alleviate that emotional pain and anger. To have my thoughts and my voice heard, for those whom have been misunderstood and have been wronged, but don’t want to be petty about it.

However, as some of you have noticed, the site started to dwindle with my inner thoughts and replaced by rants and raves, and occasional skin-deep thoughts. What I realized was that, I was no longer me as my thoughts and emotions poured out on here. What you see in person is still me, but I felt hallow. The thing is, it was exactly like Albert had said in the past, which I won’t say here. What I will say is that part of me is now gone, because a lot of it is here, or fragments of it. I am no longer me, because a huge part of me is here.

What I wanted before, even before my previous relationship is but a dream, and that dream can never be realized because in reality, my thoughts and my emotions are simply one with the net. The only thing now, is for the net to awaken. Some of you may laugh and ridicule it now, but there are a lot of things you don’t know that the few of us had already started long before you logged into the internet for the first time.

That’s all i’m going to say about that.

Last night, before I turned off my computer, I emailed Michelle with this line:

What are your own thoughts lately?

Before that, I had a lot of wine, but I wasn’t drunk at all. The Port is very good.

She emailed me back about her recent happenings, and her thoughts on life and death and existence. I imagined her and myself sitting under a pagoda, meeting for the first time, or maybe even for the hundredth time, and listening to her answer the question I asked her through email. How nice would it be to pick up where we last corresponded eh?

With that said, I wanted to say in this entry that the more I reject things from happening, the more I find that I want something more – something that I find uncomfortable saying here.

This song is good. It was and is one of my favorite songs since it first came out all those years ago.

Want to know something? I’ve made 2222 entries, even though you can only see 315 of them. Yeah, that’s a lot of typing since March 2006. Crazy eh?

Sometimes, I wish I was a monk living up in a Shinto Buddhist temple, sweeping the grounds, taking care of the shrines, and passing time reading and writing calligraphy. If only I did not have to take these shots, but even then, I still have to consider my family.

[thinks for awhile while switching songs]

Tune: “Goodbye My Master” by Yoko Kanno

layDon’t breath the Port wine in through your nose, or it will kill your senses. The alcohol is quite potent and might make you dizzy. 20% isn’t much, compared to the Absinthe I use to take, or the 40% to 50% mixed drinks back in the day, but it’s still very solid. It’s not like regular red wine, where you can still see through it, Port is a thick liquid. Don’t give it to children, or it will destroy their liver.

[thinks for a bit]

Sometimes, hmm…. Yeah.

Pointless. [ponders]

I’m done.


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Fong Pei
Fong Pei
13 years ago

“just to know I can”

oh the memories….I think I lived by those words between senior high school and my undergrad years

maybe what you need is a vacation….a vacation from thinking via reason….do something instinctive (within reason of course)

13 years ago

Are you trying to be philosophical again? Quickly! Give me an idiom to live by! No time to waste!

13 years ago

So… many… entries…….. and….. so… little time!!! Are you sure you couldn’t do it because you didn’t want to show her your nasty bout of crab lice? 😉

13 years ago

Heh! I… [lowers voice] …trimmed. They, umm, they used to say it gets up their nose. 😀

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