Thoughtful Nutmeg

A Whiter Shade Of Pale

2:40am

(Listening “Free” by Sarah Brightman)

This weekend was extra extra slow for some reason. The two weeks before that was zooming fast. Then it abruptly slowed down to a near-standstill. The hours drifted by as if the hourglass of life floated into zero gravity space, and the sands of ‘time’ hovered and bounced around.

I’ll tell you a ‘secret’… In my semi-quasi godlike days, I thought that the world was made up of only one person – myself. That everyone else in my world was an illusion created from my mind. To say the least, it wasn’t pleasant to live in a world in which my mind created, and I couldn’t be free of that mental prison.

[FLASH] http://leemanism.com/blog/images/swf/musicnav.swf , 335 , 100 [/FLASH]

Back in the day, only Tom of the Buckland Clan knew my thoughts. It was motivating that I had him as a friend back then. It was as though he ‘escaped’ his reality and came to join me, to help set me free from my own delusions.
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Well, I grew up, and my mind matured over time and is still maturing. My character is more defined, and my disposition more refined. Do I still feel alone today? Yes of course, BUT do I feel lonely?

Cindy and I have broken up 3 ‘official’ times, this last one was the final one. All the time except from mid 12/2004 to 02/2005 and from mid 10/2005 to late 12/2005, I felt very lonely. Like I was in a garden of wild roses, haunting me from my past – it’s thorns scratched into my flesh, and tearing pieces off. In its place, the same poisons I used on them, flowed back into me. Wandering, slashing at the thick giant stems with my rusted katana, not really knowing where to go – the entire time, just listening to her voice in the near distance, sometimes echoing from different directions. All I did was follow her voice. In the end, I said, “Let’s stop this” and without a fight, she said, “Okay” and all the wild roses shrivelled up and died, and the ground in which I ran on suddenly became a field of dead memories.

I fell through them, into the same sky of poison I used on my past relationships. Maybe Heaven is trying to teach me to not take revenge, as the cycle of vengeance will continue to repeat until it breaks. A large part of me wants to take vengeance, but if that is Heaven’s will, then maybe I should try to stop myself from falling, stretch out my wings and glide away to safety.

[ponders] I never thought of that before. Maybe it’s about time.

From the lyrics of “Free”:

And do you still touch her like you do
Kiss her all over in the way I kissed with you
And when you sleep with her, do you sometimes think of me
Not if you love her the way I see

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

And then in the evening light, when the bars of freedom fall
I watch the two of you in the shadows on the wall
How in the darkness steal some of the choices from my hand
When I begin to understand

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I think Albert would be pleased to know that I recognize my past deeds before Cindy. I may not have deserved what she did towards me during and afterwards, but… Yes… As I saw her for who she was, the core, I saw myself for who I am now, the centre.

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Albert once asked me about five years ago, if I had to choose between the two, which I would choose. He said, a companion who can play an instrument such as a Yi Wu or Gu Jung, etc, or a companion who can sing. I chose a companion who can sing. I am a very visual person, but I am also a listener in-tuned with the sounds of my surroundings. A companion who can sing to me is the greatest ever gift I can ever receive I believe. Especially if she sings to me, to lend me her voice, to ease my spirit, and my hardships.

I believe that if Albert listens to this song “Free” by Sarah Brightman, he would understand more. Ms. Brightman has a very beautiful voice. I believe if I am blind, I can fall in love with her, based solely on her voice.

Stars above me. Stars above her.

3:29am

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)