[“The Most Beautiful Duets” by Sarah Brightman & the London Symphony Orchestra feat Jose Cura]
Ever since Laura asked me about cloning, I thought it would be so great if I can clone myself, but that is only if my mind is intact. I have this vision that cannot be achieved in my lifetime. I think with the right adjustment of guidance, I can steer myself towards achieving it one day however.
So for some of you who are frequent contributors to DC, you may have noticed that I haven’t submitted a post on the main site for a few days, aside from the forum. Like those days that I haven’t, I tried avoiding the main site altogether, but I visited it anyway and found myself rejecting myself. If I hadn’t, I would have been sick to my stomach.
(LINK): As usual, it’s riddled with questions like “My boyfriend knows I flirt with other guys, and I love him to bits, but last year, I let some other guy grope my breasts while I rubbed his cock with my hand. Is this cheating?”
I mean, WTF?!?!
When I read about stuff like that, I feel like a very ancient being with eons of knowledge, experience, and filtered morality, and the people who write such questions are that of eternal teenagers with their brains and principles the size of peanuts.
[an hour later]
I blame it on Top Gear Season 7!
Anyway, the real rant for this entry came at a time when a lot of shit have been piling up over the course of a year. I felt that I need to get my point across now rather than later, and the only reason I didn’t do this before was because there wasn’t enough of a motivation to do so.
In the last year, I came across at least a hundred or so threads on DC about the exact same or similar thing. Most of them are teenagers in the mid to late teens with the occasional early to mid twenties. This common ‘problem’ they have is that they are dating someone but have found another person of interest and wish to pursue them either through honorable means, or questionable means. The most common dilemma in their problem was that they didn’t know who to choose to be with. The next most common thing was that they were with someone whom they weren’t as happy with, and they’ve met someone else who supposedly gave them more happiness, and yet they still had a difficult time choosing.
I’m going to break this down to the core basics:
A) You have a gf/bf. Shit happens over the course of your relationship. Despite that you have tried to work with those problems, those problems aren’t corrected or slow to correct, and more problems arise over time.
B) You have a gf/bf. Shit happens, yaddi yadda, and you meet someone else that you have an interest towards. You wish to pursue a relationship with this person, but have an emotional obligation to your current partner.
C) You have a gf/bf. Shit happens, things seemed to have been better, the relationship stronger, but you’re still a bit wishy washy over whether there is someone much better suited for you. You are unsure of your relationship. Someone else comes along and s/he expresses interest. You entertain the idea and develop a strong desire to pursue him/her, but do not want to risk losing your current partner in case nothing good happens from the potential.
Now my perspective:
A) Like I have said to over a few hundred people in the last few years, being in a relationship of that sort is not a necessity. You choose to give yourself excuses to stay with your partner. If you wipe away emotional obligation and loneliness, you don’t owe him/her anything. You may feel guilty or what not, but ultimately, if things don’t work out and it strains your health, the most prudent thing to do is separate yourself from the problem.
B) Same as A, if you find someone who has a similar outtake on life as you do, similar styles, etc, then go for it. If you allow your current partner to hold you back, you have to remember that if you wish to progress throughout life, s/he will be one of the reasons holding you back. If you can’t make the hard execution to cut her/him lose, then in short, you deserve to be miserable – no matter how weak or how strong you might be.
C) Like A and B, regardless of whether you have a shit relationship or a relationship that you feel isn’t going much of anywhere, this isn’t a life or death situation. Choose one or the other. There is no risk factor. You have nothing to lose. The only thing you fear of losing is that if you choose the potential lover and let go of the current lover, the potential partnership may not work and then you have no lover to fall back to. If you like to associate love and the concept of marriage and being together to that of business, then fine, that is a method in which you have to take on by yourself. However, if you associate love and the concept of marriage and being together to that of principles and influencial morals, then take into heart that regardless of whether you have a potential lover or not, if your current partnership is NOT working out, you should separate yourself from her/him anyway.
Over the last year, aside from one of my friends going through a similar situation, I have had the unfortunate opportunity to also listen and read through dozens of emails and hundreds of posts of this similar problem. This is exactly the “Anchor” method in the trials of intimate relationships. You date someone in the current, test the waters out with the potential. Potential doesn’t work out, current partner doesn’t know about anything, and so you go back to current partner. Everyone is happy. However, if potential worked out, you leave current partner, you and potential become one, and one person gets hurt. That is the trial and error of dating. Dating is all about that.
Mind you, whatever works for you. Personally, I wouldn’t even entertain that idea. If it was me, that I was with someone already and our relationship was the ultimate shit, I would have left – so long as she doesn’t continue to accept me back over and over and over again. Sex was great. [sighs] Regardless whether I have a potential or not.
If I was with someone, and someone else came along and she was very alluring, I wouldn’t have allowed ANYTHING to happen between us, let alone even take her words to me seriously. Especially in intimate relationships, I am willing to take the chance in losing my current partner, and having the potential have her own, than to date my current and entertain the potential. To me, it’s a questionable method. It may be the safest method to have each foot in two boats, but it’s not a method I would choose personally.
One thing about being laid back, uncontrolling, and indifferent about most things, is that I am allowed to have the freedom in choosing words over meaning, or meaning over words. If a girl said “I love you” to me, it all depends on previous context, and most likely, it’s a a satire for the current event, etc. If a girl told me she has a crush on me, I’ll smile and take it objectively.
Despite how some of my friends see me, I discipline the way things translate inside of my head when someone says things to me – this is especially true for women who may express an interest towards me. In a conversation with Jessica a few years ago, she told me that I know when someone has an interest in me, but I tend to brush it aside through modesty and naivity. It’s true. Not only does that protect me from making the wrong move, but it also allows me to see how consistent they are in their ‘endeavors’, and of course, it allows me the freedom to choose whether to go for her or not. If I am in a current relationship, then despite their interest in me, I would have either A) take them at face value and hold no meaning with them, or B) if my current relationship is bad, I can separate and leave myself free for those who are interested, rather than be in a relationship and entertain the idea of someone who is interested in me at the same time. This method is way too sneaky and very borderline cheating to me. I will not approve something like that for anyone. Mind you, who am I to approve anything? 😉
Anyway, in short, you will never catch me or hear me tell you that I am in this sort of dilemma. Like cheating, it simply does NOT compute. It’s like trying to mate a hippo with a Macintosh to make a new operating system – no logic. Mind you, it IS understandable why people put themselves in those sort of situations, but even if it is understandable, it doesn’t make it ultimately correct. Obstacles grow over time, and I found that out in my relationship with Cindy. If you couldn’t get a grasp on reality from the beginning, and you couldn’t make things happen over time, then most likely, nothing good will come out of it.
There is a time to be stubborn, and there is a time to simply let go. With Cindy, I initiated all 6 break-ups with her from April 2005 to March 2006, but every time, she accepted me back, followed by great sex and a rougher and rougher relationship. I will not deny that I am the type to try to work things through to the end, but the fact that I initiated 6 break-ups with her told me that there was something very wrong with our relationship. If the lure of great sex wasn’t there damn it, and her weak rejection of allowing me to massage her yummy breasts while she works on her homework, most likely I wouldn’t have gotten back together with her all those times.
Great sex. Damn, I’m such a horny fool.
Mind you though, it was REALLY damn great sex. [sighs]
[another 30 minutes later]
Well, Laura just called to vent to me about less-than-capable grade 8’s in her classes amongst other things.
Right. So to end this rant, we put ourselves through all the excuses, then come to a point where things become a bit or a lot more difficult, but ultimately, those with the right frame of mind should know what we should do regardless of what there is in potential. This isn’t a business deal or war. This is between two people – not three.
Also, stop being indecisive. That is one HUGE thing I hated about Cindy was her indecisiveness. I knew what I want, and stuck with it. I didn’t need to play it safe. I was sure there were tons of women out there more suitable for me, but they weren’t a part of the formula. It was either A) work it out, despite all the unwavering obstacles, or B) separate myself from those mounting problems, and restart elsewhere or stay low, keep it cool.
It’s only as difficult as you allow it to be. In fact, despite the obvious emotional obligations, it shouldn’t be so difficult at all.
3 thoughts on “All Love Can Be”
Wow, I must say that quite a lot of people emailed me since last night about this entry. I’m surprised my blog still retains that many visitors! However, I have to ask, why… Nevermind. And I thought the 200 to 300 unique hits (1200 to 3000 repeated visits) per day were all bots. 8]
Oh, for those who are wondering, most of these people came from other self-help relationship sites, including DearCupid.org. I’m surprised they haven’t signed up here and spammed my entry. Then again, I guess the registration for this site isn’t as apparent as DC. Which is mostly good and a little bad. Ah well… 8]
you should start your own practice….you could make quite a lot of money as a relationship counselor or meddler in some cases =P
Peddler, not meddler. I could make lots of money, but damn, imagine the schooling I have to do for that, plus man, my patience… Imagine my patience! 8(