Thoughtful Nutmeg

Digging Around in the Dark

While I was digging around in the dark in Minecraft, a memory surfaced of when I was a teenager or when I was in my early twenty’s. In my memory, in a previous night, my mom had thought she convinced me to go to dim sum with her, my dad and my brother. Then the next morning came and I told her I didn’t want to go anymore because I didn’t feel like it. At the time, my mom was already dressed and had walked into my room to wake me up and heard me say that. She responded disappointingly, “Why must you be so disappointing?” (So Hing) After trying to convince me some more, she stopped and in the muffled distance, I heard her tell my dad and brother I won’t be going.

At the time, I felt bad and I even stayed awake on my bed trying to convince myself to go or stay, while listening to them put their shoes on, open the door, then leave. I fell back asleep some time later.

Fast forward fifteen to twenty years, I’m here typing this up thinking about what my mom had gone through and thinking about what my mom is going through now. Earlier yesterday, I got up late and had stayed in my computer room to do various things. Once I was finished, I prepared my shower while my mom yelled up from downstairs, “You will have to take care of yourself when I am dead. No one will yell at you anymore.” I brushed it aside, but of course, it is in the back of my mind, constantly somewhere, lingering and popping up every now and then.

As I got into the shower, I had a glimpse of some of the thoughts that had coursed through my mind in the past about the day my mom passes from this world. I remember I posted a similar entry some years ago where Michelle had commented. It was quite heart wrenching. Makes me wonder if… Hmm, I was going to say if I had changed, but then my mind transitioned into, “Makes me wonder if I had done better?” I would like to say obviously not, but my pupils dilated and I suddenly thought, “What’s the point?”

I’m hanging on a thread right now.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)