Full Of Uncertainty

11:47pm

Tune: “Hishoku no Sora” by Kawada Mami
Drink: Taylor Fladgate Fine White Port

[audio:23-reveil.mp3]

When shit happens, do you let it bring you down? Of course, it’s natural to succumb to it negatively, but when it’s out of your control, you can either let it to continue to smother you or bring your heart out of that misery and just continue to do what you need to do, regardless. Yes, plans are good, and keep with them, but I can tell you that paranoia will only make it worst.

I can’t say I have gone through a lot. There are people out there who has seen war, crime, death, and unfairness happen to them. The world is like that, but we all conform to it, even for those who try not to – trying basically mean you are in it, but you’re trying to stand out or at least, not conform too much. People can argue that it is the media, but I don’t believe in the media as a separate entity. As people part of a common society, we are naturally influenced by various sources in varying degrees, but think for once: it’s not really about rebelling conformity. It’s about realization of yourself. We all conform, but are you willing to be yourself within the range of unifying with everyone else, or do you just want to be an outcast and exile away from humnanity?

[chuckles]

I went a bit off topic again.

Yeah, we worry, we can panic too. The world can bring us a lot of uncertainty. In work, in love, in friendship, in stability, health, family, and so on and so forth. There are those who choose to just go with it. Rather than spazzing when you come to a dead end and be in a negative mood, all you really have to do is possibly let out a sigh, take a deep breath, and turn around and find another route. It’s not a big deal. So what if you were late for an interview? It might have been a good job with a good pay, and you lost your chance. It’s a setback and it will no doubt bring a lot of “what if’s”, but in all honesty, what is the point of questioning it? Do you seriously like to wallow in misery?

Last year, Pat and I went through numerous hiking and mountain biking adventures. Man, did we come to literally hundreds of deadends and routes that were just way to friggin difficult, but instead of yelling and screaming and unable to come to terms with it, Pat just chuckled tiredly and said, “If there is an up, there will be a down.”

The funny was that we kept going up and up and up in circles. [laughs] That was hilarious. The fun thing was when we finally went down. We went roughly 15 kilometres from rough terrain to light dirt and gravel to highway.

When I come to a deadend, I usually just stand there and think about my route and then turn around and find a way out. This has really been my way of living through life. I guess when I think back to my high school days, I allowed the institution and high school politics to affect me so much that I ran away from it. I resented high school and almost everyone in it. I wasn’t angry at anyone. I was more indifferent than anything, but that was the problem – indifference.

You see, that indifference became who I am today. Sure, I’m quite a lot different in terms of expression than I was in high school 10 years ago, but what I mean is that I have been split into two personalities. There is the external me whom my friends see me in and there is the internal me that is trying to get free.

Yeah, it was still very uncertain, but today, it has gotten to the brink of complete uncertainty. Am I depressed? Hardly. However, I feel sad and frustrated. Yet, as usual, I also feel indifferent.

Then this sky is dyed in red color, until the time come I’ll just continue with this one body

The ‘people’ you meet and ‘THINGS’ that are lost
Will someday become a disappeared memory
The hot and shaking strenght, the empty and wavering weakness
Will eventually share the same@end

That kind of normal days melt in red color, the rising sun colored the world in red

Flowing in the wind making a line, that hair-tips that seemingly flowing will pierce the enemy
To stop this thought is an overflowing dream

Now all in the hands are only to end my role

Once again a flame fall and disappeared somewhere out there
It’s the days with no change in the reality
But, I truly feel your warmth motion
And that’s also the truth

Then the red dust scatters, behind the dusk it begins now

Why in this crying out loud heart I feel confusion and fearless
In quick malice, the wild pain shattered
The burned cloud become dry in the sky, the wish hidden inside is burned
the hesistant eyes flow tears ,but the strenght of tomorrow returned

Everything hold the land that fall down and the one bright sword cut the darkness
The light that is inside the chest everytime burn out
With this one body I shall end my role

The song is in Japanese, but it’s good. The above is the translation.

There has been one person in the last year that has gotten to know me more and has over the course of our correspondance, tried to give me perspective in the things I think about. She has also tried to counter every single negative idea I had. I know that human beings by ‘norm’ all might feel something similar, but I still remember what Terry asked me awhile ago, “Li, I can’t comprehend how you can have so much emotion for anything!”

I already answered him, but to add to that answer, I want to say that it is because my feelings aren’t heard and seen by most people. In fact, aside from that one time in my room, under the darkness of the black lights, drinking Warre’s Warrior Port with Albert, and another night many years ago with Tom and Jon out at the McNeely school yard, and of course, with Cindy sometime in mid 2005, I can’t quite share those feelings with other people. So when there is an external source of influence or event, I channel my feelings into them and express them that way.

However, does it really matter?

Rhetorical.

Michelle, the person whom I was talking about symbolises a much more positive angel who floats in and out of my psyche now and then. Her words aren’t words of encouragement, but they are words that show me just exactly how tired I am internally. There were times where I wish I am 90 right now and that I only need to live for a few more years, but then reality sets in, “I might be missing a lot. My parents, my big break, my brother’s life, my friendships, possible connections, Japan.”

If I did not have family obligations, I will go to Japan right now and apply for a citizenship there. I asked Albert why he won’t consider moving to the East or to the USA to work since he will get higher pay there, and his answer was simply because his parents has health issues and he want to stay close. I feel similar, but if I was free of financial obligations to my family, unless my mom and/or my dad was terminally ill, I would fly over to Japan right now and try to make my life there.

Let’s put into perspective. Let’s say I receive a call and my mom tells me that my dad has gotten into an accident. It will take my roughly 9 to 10 hours to fly back to Vancouver from middle of Japan. ‘Knock on wood’, say something bad totally happens to him, would I ever say to myself, “if only I was there close to them, he would have been okay?” No, I am not like that at all. It isn’t because I don’t worry. I do, but it is meaningless to add panic to something that is already bad. That has always been my motto.

My brother had a TB scare two years ago. My parents were worried and everyone seemed gloomy. I remember sitting at the stairs, eating a fruit and I said to him, “You can’t do anything about it, except continue to live. It’s not that I don’t worry, but there is no point in adding misery to misery.”

Like me, if I was terminally ill, do you think I will tell anyone?

We all die. It’s all just a matter of when.

The same can be said about problems we face throughout life. We all come to deadends, issues, and shit. It’s all just a matter of time. Rather than think about what others have or not have, I just think about what I can do and what I am capable of doing. I have never wished to be as strong as Pat, or as sneaky as Albert, or as smart as Jon, but I have always thought how I can improve myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. What methods can I use? What techniques are best suited? Are my meditations raw enough?

It’s not often I ask for advice, and when I do, it is after a lot of deliberations on my part. I try to keep to one question because ultimately, regardless of what advice are given to me, in the end, I will be the one making choices and following them.

I remember one of my past lovers asked me in Cantonese, “Aren’t you mad at me? I just screwed up and quite badly too.”

I sighed, gave her a smile and a hug and told her that there is no point in blaming her for a mistake that she may eventually make regardless of the advice I gave her previously. If she deliberately ‘made that mistake’, then sure, I may get mad, but she didn’t. It was simply a mistake.

Through my eyes, I am neither flawed nor perfect. Flaw and perfection do not exist apart. They can only exist together. Thus, they are actually contradictions of each other – a paradox if you will.

I choose not to tell anyone who reads this blog much, but I will say that I seek the mortally impossible. I seek perfect flawness. I seek a poisonous rose that can wrap itself around my heart and drain life from me. However, even if I desire to walk this route, I cannot do it if my situation does not become stablized. I can only walk this route if my situation stabilizes for the positive.

Fine White Port is fine, but I prefer Ruby.

[ponders]

Tune: “Tristesse” by Aketagawa Jin
Drink: Taylor Fladgate Fine White Port

[audio:05-tristesse.mp3]

This tune is very good, and reminds me of a song I heard a long time ago, but I cannot remember when, where, and what it is called. I have it at the tip of my thoughts, but I just can’t remember.

Tonight, as I close my eyes in bed, I will listen to this song through my MP3 player and Sony headphones. I will listen to it repeatedly for an hour and I may have glimpses of a past forgotten. Maybe, I can find a certain emotion, lost to me here.

And now, I shall have a ‘chat’ with my optimistic angel. Half of me wants to be 90 right now, fast forward 62 years, but the other half, the fighting half wants me to continue as it is. Life can be so sweet.

By the way, there is nothing to worry about. [smiles] Think about it: I am seriously, the last person on the face of this planet anyone should worry about aside from my parents. Worry about yourself first and do something about it. Believe me, I do have the greatest friendships ever, but despite that, I am still myself. I thank you all for being there when you appeared and considered my emotions. Alas, I walk this path alone regardless of who may be beside me. It’s nice to have someone nearby, but ultimately, we find our own ways ourselves.

12:55am