Thoughtful Nutmeg

I Am What I Am

Mood: Reflecting, pulling myself back out of the grave I have been digging for myself
Drink: A shot of Glenfiddich would be nice right about now
Tune: “I Am What I Am” by OceanLab

[audio:OceanLab_-_I_Am_What_I_Am.mp3]

“Stop making excuses for your own failures.” -me

Patrick had asked me questions pertaining to what my motivation in life is, how I can keep going in the face of so many obstructions and pick myself up, even after falling down so hard. I don’t think I was ever able to give him a good proper answer. This song pretty much sums up my beliefs – ones that have naturally integrated itself into my very being, for years.

I know you’ve read
So many books
You keep a breast of all the things you think you should
You’ve got your own home grown philosophy
And it works for you
But please don’t try to make it work for me

You have nothing to prove
But you’re trying much too hard

Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
No I don’t need you to save me (I don’t need you to save me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)

I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand…)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am…)

Just know who I am…
Just know who I am…

I know you feel
You need to prove
That you are good at simply
Everything you try to do
And people hang on your every word
That you deliver
With conviction
Though they may just be absurd

Leave your armor behind
Free your vulnerable mind

Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
No I don’t need you to save me (I don’t need you to save me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand…)

I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am…)

Just know who I am…
Just know who I am…

My parents, all good parents will try to give guidance and nudge their children into a path they feel is the right one for them. As children, we can either take it narrow mindedly or take it with a spoonful of sugar.

As I grew up, I understood the mechanics of both of my parents. By understanding them, I was able to understand where I stood in the scheme of things. Ultimately, they are the ones who brush clean the ice and I am the one skating on it. Good relationships is a compromise of traditions and beliefs. I outgrew the traditions my parents desired from their children and my parents learned to accept me for what I have become. In return, I give them the satisfaction of understanding them and giving consideration of their health and hard work. They then give me the satisfaction of allowing me to pursue certain hobbies and freedoms that keep me sane.

Where do I draw my self-esteem? By standing firm, bending my knees a little and learn to position myself, as to have the best approach against a tsunami of ideals, interferences and the like. In other words, no one in the entire universe can bring me down until I bring myself down first. When others step on me or try to, I fight back. When others hit me and I fall down, I’ll jump back to my two feet.

Mind you, I probably had a much earlier head start than most people I know. I learned at roughly the age of 6 or 7, refined over my teenage years and re-defined over my twenties.

Stop making excuses for your own failures.

ps: Guess what? My average client score is an “A”. Those whom have worked with me like Benny have given me a “B+” or an “A-“. Guess what I gave myself all these years? I gave myself a “C” on average and if it’s ‘good’, I might give myself a “C+”. I don’t have the mentality of ‘being the best’ because I can never be better than myself. What I perceive in others of being ‘the best’ is simply what I think is ‘the best’. I can only do what I am capable of doing, not do the things beyond my reach.

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)