Thoughtful Nutmeg

I need you

Mood: A hint of worry, a slight of frustration, otherwise, strangely calm
Drink: Les Combelles Cotes Du Rhone 2006
Tune: “Good bye my master” by Yoko Kanno


I had a strange experience over the last few days. For a moment, I started to fall for a ‘stranger’. Her life, where she lives, her feelings now, her desires, her goals – all of which I can completely relate to. I had already been numbed out for a few years now, numbed more so in the last two years, until of course, I get drunk, alone mainly. I didn’t think much of it until very suddenly. Then she told me this morning she needed me, at a weak point, where I can completely relate to as well. Yet, being used to giving serious objective advice and perspective, I told her as I would tell all of my other friends and that ‘ruined’ it for her. Now she has retreated and I am left here gradually becoming numb again.

She very abruptly reminded me that I can feel those emotions again, but with a line of misplaced words, it felt like all that I have shared with her became meaningless. Can anyone ‘blame’ me for being the way I am today?

If she does not contact me again, then life continues as it has always been. It was very different and she was quite interesting.

It’s karma, from my past, coming back to keep smacking me down. Must I become the only master of my domain, unable to share it with someone who can connect with me? Must I only invite my close ones every now and then for tea and noodles? Can I not have someone who simply can understand?

She needs someone who can inspire her, to subset a part of her emotional needs – someone stronger, but can also relate; someone more ‘mature’ and considerate. Who am I, but a stranger who became somewhat like a lighthouse, if only briefly. I have never relied on anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. It just simply means, I have always been forced to rely on no one else.

I am holding up the entire universe with my meager existence. Can someone come help me wipe off some of my sweat? It’s getting into my eyes and it stings.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)