…you can hear, see, feel what I hear, see and feel. Obviously, who really knows how to respond to entries like this?
At one time, it was almost nice to have a student actually listen to me, but I was no mentor. Far from. In his perspective, yes. In mine; I was far from being eternal. With modesty aside, even if my perspective transcended humanity, I still resided in a human perspective.
Tonight, I drink alone again. Sake cups my brother got me for my 30th birthday with Port, cheap Port, but Port nevertheless. I contemplated the Taylor Fladgate Special Reserve I usually indulge in or the Cape Ruby. I got the Cape Ruby. Half the price, half the taste, but it does its job.
Indeed, I have cheapened my worth, aside from social protocol. [sigh] Social protocol.
There is so much I want to say, but I don’t think my blog here deserves to see my words. I need someone to share a bottle of Port with, that I can trust my mind to… Trust… Not trust. No, rather, to be able to swim in it. It saddens me that as I grow older, I realize that no one can swim in it as I do. Everyone else, simply, tries to fish it up.
Fish die out of the water.
It’s nice that my friends, most of them, joke with me, to ‘show’ me that life isn’t really so serious. That’s the other me, the other aspect, but the one aspect of me that really needs that sort of connection is foreign now. Completely and utterly foreign and it is at a stage where it is completely away from being connected.
When Melvin died, I was not saddened. I was almost indifferent. His family and his other friends may see this as a cold hearted gesture, but they simply do not and most likely will never understand. That is another reason why I am mind boggled by the religious who grieve for their lost ones as human bodies. If their ‘God’ is omniscient, then it is in ‘God’s’ will that their deaths will happen. If it is their ‘God’s’ will that it will happen, therefore, it is all a part of the great invisible plan. Which means, it is all a part of their religious vows to die at their given times. Why grieve for what is required to happen by the hands of the almighty being in which they worship? This mind boggles me to no end. Alas, they can never see this because simply, they put faith in such theories of “what if”. Reminds me too much like Albert’s “what ifs”.
Anyway, religious rabble really get to me. Away from such misdeeds of humanity, shall we?
I said in my latest email to Nancy:
Almost everyone around me seem to be living a life of urgency. That, one must keep in touch with their friends and family, else, they lose that connection. Are bonds so frail, that one must keep in constant contact? I understand that human bodies are ‘short’ in comparison to the age and constance of the universe, but maybe that is my ‘problem’? I live my life as if I have hundreds of years, maybe even thousands of years to live. However, I don’t think that I can live beyond 90 to 95. No, it’s just my approach to life. Indeed, the urgency of health and the urgency of having financial stability is a given, but the urgency of living, to enjoy the infinite steps between 1 second to 2 seconds, to just go where the currents naturally direct us all – all of this is awesome.
I do not put up a facade that masks my feelings, my true feelings. No. What I do is live a conditioned life, where my feelings are secondary. I bring myself to a point to resolving matters that are brought up, if they relate to me.
Indirectly, I often wonder: Patrick and Jason talks about racing teams and cycling across Canada and doing all these rides, but I wonder if they say those things because it is what I really want or do they say them because it is something they want. I don’t put ANY hope in anything they say regarding to cycling. This may seem blunt and it is. Like what I said earlier, my feelings are secondary. I want to have my own team of riders. I want to ride to Calgary, to Prince Edward Island, to Southern California, to New York, fly to Japan and ride from North to South with my team, but those are MY dreams. They aren’t anyone else’s. Patrick wants to travel and experience different journeys that may boost his own concept of self-worth. Jason just wants to experience life as his spiritual alignment to his religion gives him. I view the world as a medium, a series of creative tools to help paint my canvas.
I want to say so much more, but my blogs fall on deaf ears. I will die one day, knowing I lived my life as I intended it. No one can share that with me. Only in stories, may others hear about it, a little.
Cheap Port, is really cheap Port.
For awhile, I looked forward to my correspondences with my special friend that I truly adored. I think about her every day. Her picture is in my wallet. I wish I can give her my kisses and receive hers. However, I live my life as I chose it. No one out there can understand that. Some believe I am stupid for taking care of my parents, which includes my little brother. Some think I am courageous to brave aloneness forever, risking the rest of my life void of love and intimacy for the security and welfare of my mother and father. Most are indifferent.
I live for my parents. All that is secondary includes riding across Canada with my friends. All that is secondary includes having a cat companion, from new born kitten to old age. All that is secondary is to completely destroy myself in Taylor Fladgate, aged 25 years and die in my castle, secluded to the mental chess battle I have long formed since my childhood.
It sucks that Jonathan would not accept to be my ‘second’ in applying my dying wishes. He ‘advised’ me to look up a legal advisor. Well, he is smart and I never questioned his relationship to me, as my brother. It’s just that… I felt even more alone when he denied me.
I will not say how, where and who, but apparently, my mom is a concubine reincarnate who in this lifetime, seeks to acquire power for her son, which is me. Unfortunately, it is not my time to acquire power. My thoughts are too immature. My ancestor was able to become an emperor from being a farmer. I am still a farmer. It is not my time.
I wish that someone out there would understand, but there is none. Jason is kind of close. Which is a ‘blessing’ for a few seconds. That is not to say I do not value my friendships with my other various confidants, but I just wish there was someone out there who is as open as the canvas that was allowed me.
Love, intimacy… As Jason and even Thomas would know it, can never be achieved with the authority of a confidant – a true confidant.
I am eating cheesy fishy crackers.
12 thoughts on “I wish…”
To be blunt myself, I honestly would ride across Canada with or without you guys. I travelled across Japan by myself and why? Because that was my dream not anybody elses. You’re right about how people are living their lives in urgency when they should just slow down and realize what is in front of them. It’s nice to have someone you can connect with and for some reason, I feel nobody understands me as well. You may analyze and observe me but you don’t know my secrets. You really don’t. And you never will. Call it social protocol I guess. I want to travel not to boost my self-worth or self-esteem. I truly want to experience and understand how other people live. The world is so big and I want to experience life on the other side of the world. Almost like space. It’s unknown and I want to know what’s there. Again, I would travel alone cause it’s my dream not yours not anyone, mine. If someone wants to come along, that would be great.
You can take our friendship for what it’s worth but I guess in the end we truly don’t know each other and by the looks of things we never will in our lifetime. One can hope. Perhaps we need to speak up but I find words are just so limiting. If we can only link our minds together via firewire or something then maybe we can get somewhere =P
We all need to take ownership of our lives. In the end we are all alone. So what do you do? Life is so short, so what makes you happy?
I really respect that you live for your parents and I’m sure or I hope that your parents repsect you for that. But you have to live for yourself. You’re always thinking about others and I think it’s time to reward yourself.
You’re blunt in your words and in all honestly, I feel hurt sometimes by your comments but you’re honest.
P.S. I’ve been given the go ahead to ride again but nothing crazy. I will call you this week to pick up my bike. Perhaps we need to ride alone for the next little while… I don’t know but I feel as if I’m a foreigner to you. We definitely don’t speak the same language. Maybe I’ll learn your language one day…
Obviously, no one knows your secrets unless you share those secrets with others. Hence “secret”.
As for “traveling to boost your self-worth”, this corresponds to ‘running away from home to find out who you are and what you’re worth, in terms of doing what you want and why you think you want it’.
As for the “foreign connection”, you completely misread that. I didn’t say I didn’t value my friendships with all of you. Remember that my blog defines excess thoughts that ‘need’ to get out. If I detail all of my ideas, it would be fifty page essays that most sane minded people would pass up.
I think you are being stirred up by your usual sensitivity, but my words here reflect something a lot deeper. I would think after reading my blog entries for the last three and a half years, you would have been able to put into consideration that my words often cover a much deeper aspect of the things being said.
To clarify and I’ve been saying this for years, since high school, as I grow older, I have become more and more detached of the social aspect of myself, being aware of what I do and interact with on a social level. As I laugh and joke and play with my friends and those related to them, I find myself being aware of this and at the same time, feeling my awareness splitting the physical and the mental from each other.
That is where the confidant comes into play. She would have the ability to meld those two aspects back together and allow me to become one person again, rather than becoming more and more distant to that connection.
So next time Patrick, before you go and get hurt by my blunt comments, you should firstly apply WHO I AM and have ALWAYS BEEN, compared to what you think I am talking about on the surface. If I thought my friendships were a waste of time, I would have said it.
Furthermore, you have commented on this post as if I was attacking you personally. I don’t understand which part of my blog entry attacked anyone in particular. I especially dislike being accused of something I did not do.
Perhaps we should keep our conversations on a surface level then. I can’t share my own feelings cause I’m pretty much oblivious to your words and your thoughts. I can’t apply who you are because I don’t really “know” you are. I should’ve known before I replied. Perhaps we should just leave it at that for now until I understand, which may or may not happen.
P.S. I’m not mad, I’m just wanting to learn but I’m pretty slow when it comes to anything thoughful or academic.
I modified my comment, so go back and re-read it again.
I never share my thoughts on anything because I’m afraid of what people may say. I never speak up because I avoid “drama”. I have no one to talk to. I’m trying to share my thoughts but it has been misinterpreted. I told you I’m not good with words.
We are on two different levels. We can’t connect. I so want to connect with you man, but I can’t.
Then Patrick, why do you think I always ask you questions?
You know, Erica for the first few months of our correspondences, could not for the life of her, ‘reach out to me’ because her words were often jumbled and she told me she was scared to tell me her thoughts, because she doesn’t know how to get them out in a refined manner.
I told her, that it is better that she tells me her thoughts in her jumbled manner than to try to refine it. In her natural expression, she was able to tell me her thoughts and feelings, even sometimes using too many words. The thing with me is that I am always perceiving a person’s thoughts, words, reactions, physical tidbits, physical movements, how they look at me, how they look away, the tone in their voice, the slight whimper, the subtle crack-up, how s/he positions him or herself, how s/he looks when a particular subject is being talked about, the words s/he chooses to use – EVERY little tidbit. THAT is using perception and awareness.
Patrick, I may not know ANY of your secrets but I don’t need to know your secrets. Just because I cannot find someone in my small circle of friends that can connect my social aspect with my mental aspect, does not mean I cannot connect with my friends the reverse way.
More often than not, my friends come to me as a sounding board, for advice, for opinion, for whatever. I enjoy that. I don’t ever or mainly never go to my friends for the same thing because like I said, I have much ‘deeper issues’ that most of my friends won’t be able to process. Not because they are dumb or stupid or unintelligent, but it’s simply because I am complex, riddled with mazes and plots within plots within plots. I am a mess simply put.
I want to know you man cause I value your friendship at it’s highest but I feel so lost. Am I trying too hard? Or should we just leave it as is?
Read my post right above your latest one, starting with: “Then Patrick, why do you think I always ask you questions?”
I value my friendships quite greatly. My words may be ‘blunt’, but I want my friends to know that… Okay, I said this to Melvin a few months ago in an email:
“Like myself, I am living in this community of people and the community of my immediate family, then the community of my circle of friendships. However, as I age, I become more separated. Often, I am two entities that share the same body and even the same mind. It’s like I am aware of looking through my own eyes. I am aware of myself speaking to others and I am aware of processing my thoughts.”
I would not expect any of my friends to truly ‘help me’, as I’ve always believed that the only person in existence would be me who can help me. The ‘problem’ lies in self-awareness.
You said, “Am I trying too hard or should we just leave it as is?”
Basically, you need not try anything. My thoughts are simply my own AND I want you, along with my other friends to be aware of them. That is why this blog exists.
I am not asking my friends, like you, Jason, Jon or anyone to help me. I am just telling you all my feelings and thoughts. So maybe, just maybe, you and others can use this as a point of reference in trying to get yourself out there.
I will always lend my ear and shoulder to my friends. ALWAYS – well, within reason. I may not go to the same friends for help, not because you or Jason or Jon or whoever do not ‘deserve’ it. No, it is simply because I need to help myself because I am aware of my own self-created predicaments.
That’s simply it.
If I didn’t value your friendship Patrick and my words were meant to attack you, then holy crap, how the heck did we manage it for the last two decades?
Basically, it has always been the ‘same’. These are just thoughts that I am sharing with you all. It doesn’t express any negativity, but I can see how it could because I am naming people, but that’s not saying specific things about those people. I am using them as reference points to myself.
I know that you and Jason enjoy riding with me and with yourselves and with others. It’s just that I OFTEN worry that you two are doing it when you know it is the thing I like the most. I don’t like it when my friends choose to do something they don’t want to, just to appease me. Eg: that time we went riding when you didn’t want to.
That’s why if you like hiking, I’ll go with you. If you want to go fishing, I’ll go too. Biking is my primary interest, BUT it is NOT my only interest. If you want to watch Pick Up Artist, I’ll watch it with you. If you want to watch Zombies killing people, I’ll watch it too.
That’s just how our relationship is like.
I’m always and you know this for a fact, even when you’re angry and upset, that I am ALWAYS opened for you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. Just because I don’t in particular, doesn’t mean I don’t value nor trust you. It’s just that, I don’t particularly like to burden others with woes that I can only solve. However, I don’t feel ANY burden AT ALL when my friends come to me for stuff. NEVER, ever.
Basically, Pat, I consider you a really close friend and I don’t tier off friendships. You are either close to me or you’re an acquaintance. Those close to me are my brothers and sisters. Everyone else are secondary.
I once told my mom over a three hour long conversation that as I grew up, it is my friends, my brothers and sisters who help make me who I am today, tomorrow and all the days beyond that. They may not necessarily connect with me on a complex manner, but that does not mean they don’t connect with me at all.
When I speak of social protocols, I am speaking in a very generalized sense. When I speak about it, in reference to you guys and girls, I am talking about that very specific social aspect. I am NOT discounting the actual foundation connection we have.
You have to remember that connections are like onion layers. On the surface, as you, Laura, Jon, Jason and whoever else are connected with your social protocols (to society), I find myself foreign to it. I DID NOT SAY that I feel foreign in my relationships and foundational connections with you guys!
I feel like I am typing up an encyclopedia.
ANYWAY, when I type up my thoughts, I also speak out loud to them. My throat is dry and I need to relieve my bladder.
So Pat, whatever miscommunication and misreading, please note my comments following that. You are a silly silly man. Too bad you’re not a girl or I’m not a girl…