There isn’t much that inspires me these days, let alone motivate me, but I keep going regardless.
Amber and I very recently had a conversation about the fear of getting through all the things one strive for, just to turn around and find that you’re standing right next to the edge of a very deep crater. Maybe in her eyes, there is nothing much to look forward to besides being together with me, but in my eyes, I know that death awaits all of us and that’s just a matter of time. However, before you think that I am going to use the “we eventually all die” card, I am not. In fact, it is this very thing that keeps me going. Death isn’t the one I need to contend with. Those that care for me and rely on me are the ones I need to contend to. In my world, there are craters everywhere – not just behind me, but I have no desire to fail nor lose to myself because there is more out there. I just need to make sure not to fall in.
Tune: “Believe” by Paronator
Mood: A bit tired, a bit worried, a bit irritated
Drink: Ginseng Tea
Amber said that it seems like the only thing in her life is me that keeps her focused but because I am not there yet, that focus is blurred and she is unsure about her life. Her total lack of immediate support is what is keeping her from doing what needs to be done. If she was in a pair of shoes that these things are normal every day events, then yes, she can easily do them too, but unfortunately, she’s not in those pair of shoes.
She told me that she no longer feels she has the same relationship she once did with her family now but it seems like she never had that relationship in the first place. A good relationship is built around trust. I saw no trust in her relationship with her family, especially with the mom. However, I am not here to criticize her family. I am just an outsider to that. What I will say instead is that she undervalues herself in her family thinking that there is no longer anything for her there, but I think she is wrong.
She may not have her mom and her sister, but she has her grandma, her two nieces and the familiarity of her homeland. Does Amber think that all that time spent with her nieces mean nothing? Is her time spent with them that superficial? Every little thing each of us do counts in some way. You may not realize it, but I still think about the tiniest things that people do for me every now and then. Like when I was about 6 years old and my baby sitter told my brother and I that the oil and water cooked with cabbage is what makes it taste sweet. For some reason I can never forget what she said and how she looked at the time: big black thick glasses, frizzly hair, typical nerdy girl look.
Furthermore, this was something I hinted before, but all relationships take effort. When she told me that she’s at a party and no one seems to care about her, I am reminded of when I was a teenager when I felt the same way. I learned that most people didn’t even know how to relate to me, but as I got older and gained more awareness, I realize that it’s not up to others to try to reach out to me especially if I close myself off so readily. I had to be opened to the idea in the first place – make a compromise and reach out, find a middle ground between us and grow from there.
Take Patrick and I. We’re two different people, but yet we’re pretty close. If Pat and I met under different conditions, I am pretty sure we would never have been friends, but fortunately, we were young and we had ample time to grow up as individuals and eventually as friends and brothers. Amber and I are different people too, but we’re able to get to this point in time and that took effort from both of us. Our relationship is proof that she can do more with her life and that her life is not a total failure. I am but one milestone in her life. There are many more waiting for her. She just needs to go and make those calls.
She says she wants badly to belong to a family, a community, a group of friends. Well Amber, it’s really just around the corner or down the street. Once you cease that moment, you’ll slowly and gradually be on your way to connecting with a family or even start one. 8)
Anyway, Amber has a lot going for her and it’s irritating to see that she cannot recognize this and only see herself standing at the edge of a crater. Did you know that the loneliest people on Earth aren’t those that try to get out of problems, but those that try to get into them? Successful politicians, warrior kings and queens, those with an unquenchable thirst for power and passion, and those who have a single mind and focus.
She asked me why it seems like I only talk about her bad traits and hardly her good traits. She has many good traits I adore and hold onto, but her bad traits counter those quite beautifully. They are overwhelmingly bad traits, but there are a lot fewer bad traits than there are good traits. In my eyes, her bad traits are:
1) Mostly talks, but rarely takes action.
2) Has an extremely hard time following through with what needs to be done.
3) She no longer makes promises because she knows she can’t keep most of them.
4) Has a shallow view of life and how she fits in it.
5) Scared easily of the consequences, but doesn’t react on it on time.
As my friends, you’re probably shaking your head right now as to why I am still with her and why I am trying so hard to work my ass off for a future with her. Well the following are the things why I adore and want her in my life that I cannot find anywhere else:
1) Her cuteness in looks and personality.
2) Her playfulness.
3) Her ability to try to stick to her principles.
4) Her femininity and charm.
5) Her big beautiful round breasts. Yeah you’re all probably rolling your eyes on this one, especially Michelle.
6) Her luscious lips and how she know how to put on cosmetics. A woman that knows how to put on make-up is important. A lot of women don’t know this.
7) I love her hair 99% of the time even when it’s messy and wild.
8) I like how she is resilient and willing for change to better herself.
9) I like that she has the mentality for fairness and try to avoid violence.
10) I like the fact she can paint and have an artistic side.
11) I like the fact that she is family oriented and have no problem with not having her own. This shows how willing she is to protect others worth protecting.
12) She cares about how she looks but is not obsessed to the point where it brings both of us down. Therefore she has a will to try to better herself physically visually and fitness-wise.
13) I like the fact she is not just book smart, but is also worldly intellectual.
14) I like that she has an interest in literature and art and have an interest in music that matters to her.
15) I like that she is in fact a sexual person. Though she may not be very opened to the idea of giving me shows or be a very liberal exhibitionist, I know she is a compatible lover.
16) She is ‘girly’, but not whiney like many Asian girls I know. She’s ‘just right’.
17) She has a willingness to learn and explore, even though certain things right now may obstruct her from enjoying it.
I have already invested a lot of time, effort and money into building this long distance romance and relationship. Giving up now is a waste of that and I am unwilling to let it go so easily. All I want is for Amber to show me a little respect and follow through what she needs to do in her life in order to secure her lifestyle. Is that so hard to do? Is this one thing so difficult to follow through not just for me, but for those who is also a part of your life like your nieces?
There is no level 85 if you cannot even get pass level 1. Namaya would still be hitting 1.5k DPS at level 85 if not for all the time you put into her. Like there is no us, a place to move into, a future to walk through, a potential family to have and new friends to make if there is no security for yourself now. Do you intend for me to work mindlessly and endlessly like Marlon does or are you going to help me help us and help our future?
And you’re right actually… That wallpaper representation is you. What inspires my heart is none other than you. Death only motivates me to try harder for myself, for you, for us and for all those that I care about in my life.