Thoughtful Nutmeg

No motivation

Of course, everyone has their down days. Those who work on a routine 9-5 or even a sporadic part time job has someone to constantly keep them in check, at least in theory. Some people can get away slacking off and still get paid their wages. As a freelancer officially, I find that I am quite burnt out from my web development career. While it’s interesting to learn new things and experiment on them, the initiation of building a web site from bottom up is a pain in the ass to start. I create web sites mainly because it’s the easiest to acquire money and it’s the thing I’ve been doing for over a decade. However, it’s not the thing I want to do.

I want to create from my mind driven by passion. I was there once a long time ago. I was able to spend my entire waking day and part of the night to accomplish the things I wanted, for the sole purpose of seeing my visions completed. I wanted to see them in their finished state in all of their glories. My mind was once a beautiful place. With the help of technical skills and creative know-how, I was able to apply my mind into a rendered world. I had a passion to create music, a passion to write short stories and a passion to create environments.

So now I am stuck here working on four different projects, one of which is nearly completed on my part, one which just started, another barely started and another I need to update to the newest stuff by tomorrow evening, so I can get paid in the near future to pay bills.

I fantasize about exploring my game development programs such as Scirra Construct 2 which I was an early adopter a long time ago or SMILES Game Builder which seems very interesting. I know if I want to get things done, I need to do them myself. However, I am over stretched, over stressed, over strained. An impossible task, surrendered to the realities of financial burdens and relative peace. It has caused me to lose interest in many things, including connecting with my friends and family members. While I constantly think about them, I don’t do anything about it. I simply don’t feel like doing anything in particular. There is a huge part of me that has given up on life, just living for the sake of paying the bills and hope for the best. I feel like a husk of what I used to be. As if I spent most of my personal energy too fast in too short of a time and now I am just a nearly empty shell.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)