I admit that I have a festering bitterness that’s getting worst by the second. By the way, All Dressed Crispers are really yummy.
I could not find a friend to express this to. So I kept it festering inside of me for awhile. I think it’s one of the most difficult things an individual has to face, besides the other obvious things.
[audio:mia34_binf_unistar.mp3]Tune: “Binf” by Unistar of the Miasmah collective
Albert once remarked that no matter how silly or how crazy or how ‘off’ a question may be, I always answer it. These days, I tend to skip questions. I also care a lot less about various things. I think when people get to this point in their life, many issues are simply shrugged off. The rhetoric is: what’s the point?
Like women, when I was about ten years younger, it really mattered when something didn’t work out. It was a massive heart break that lasted years. These days, indeed, there is an ache, but it’s nothing that would eat away at me. Basically, I am so numbed out about everything EXCEPT finances, that I simply don’t care enough about everything else. There is a part of me that wants to, but I am unmotivated.
My typical day:
– wake up
– go to work
– check emails, read Google News
– moderate web sites
– play games or watch anime
– sleep
My typical day doing something I remotely enjoy:
– wake up
– hang out with friends or do a sporting activity
– do some computer stuffs
– sleep
Albert used to complain to me about his work and I would try to say I understood, but he always rebutted that I could not. There is no way I could have, unless I was in his nightmare. That is true. He’s in the 9th level of hell and I’m somewhere in the 2nd level, but it’s still hell. It’s not like I am skinny dipping in heaven with Buddha and Vishnu while getting a handjob from a very willing fantasy.
There has been times that I considered calling Albert up, but what stops me is that I cannot accept him. One thing I read recently is what the foundation of friendship is between people. That is, acceptance. If I accepted Albert, it would mean I also accept all the stuff he believes in and does. I cannot accept those things. We’re a classical example of two great ‘brothers of war’ who met a fork in the road and each person going a different path. He serves a totally different warlord than I do, even though at our core, we’re still the same person.
I miss him, or rather, I miss our days and nights together as brothers, but today, I cannot accept him. This is a big part of why I have become nonchalant. I am not saying the rest of my other friends are not good people. What I am saying is that I need someone who truly understands. That is, understand without words.
My connection with Albert is that we could understand each other without words. We could both be looking at the same thing and we would think similar or the same things and feel similar or the same things. We would listen to the same music and pick out the particulars. He was the halberd warrior on his stallion. I was a secondary tactician that apprenticed to the primary strategist. Though the primary strategist is what he always obliged to, he also listened to my words and applied it accordingly.
It really does suck to have lost a friend like him to the dramas of the modern era. I cannot accept him as he is today and I doubt he can accept be for what I have become.
You know, for some friendships, it takes years to realize and understand that person, but for some, it takes only one instance. That’s the difference. I can be an impulsive person, but I am also a logical thinker. When something needs to be done, there is a series of events that takes place inside my head immediately. Risk factor calculation. I am a risk taker, but I am no fool, nor am I naive. If someone offers an opinion, I will listen. Maturity dictates that. I would have it no other way. It would be immature to be anything but.
