Thoughtful Nutmeg

Old Images

4:25am

Tune: “Aimo” by Yoko Kanno, sung by Nakajima Megumi
Drink: Warre’s Warrior Special Reserve

[audio:aimo.mp3]

If I were to ever end this blog site, I would say something along these lines:

The last X years had been eventful. There isn’t much to say further and you can continue to read my old entries if you like. Thanks for dropping by and I hope my words have served their purpose for you.

Best wishes, Leeman

That is of course, if I were to end this blog site. Not that I will at the current moment. There was another blogger from the mid 90’s who’s blog lasted for a decade. That’s ten years. He started entering his thoughts when he was in his mid-teens all the way to his mid-twenties. I thought that was quite a bit of will power. Unlike me, he actually spilled all his thoughts and feelings out and included a few video entries with sincere tears and in other times, laughter, etc.

I can’t do that, ever. He had guts. I mean, I can go as far as telling some of my dreams, revealing a bit about my thoughts and feelings when I’m influenced by alcohol and stuff, but that’s about it.

For example, every single one of my friends except say Michelle, has never managed to keep a blog for more than a year or two. The interest to continue just simply stopped for them. However, regardless whether I have hectic work, relationship troubles, and personal issues, I am still able to continue on. Is that a sign of consistent will power, a sign that I have a lot of thoughts still suppressed, or simply, I want to be heard but honestly do not trust anyone enough with my inner self?

[sigh]

When I really think about it, I haven’t grown up much. Yes, my thoughts have been more refined, my maturity has been more, well, more matured, and I have more experiences in most aspects of my life. However, I don’t feel that I’ve grown up. Refinement basically means my thoughts have been filtered and adjusted to fit my current personality and learned principles. These feelings has always been with me since I was a child.

When I played in the garden of our first house back in Hollycroft Drive, the base feelings I had then are no different than that of my feelings now. The only ‘difference’ is the refinement of the thoughts associated with those feelings.

There is a vague image of me climbing along the side of a dug-out construction site filled with tall unkempt grass and a dull red wooden fence to my right that surrounds the pit. I was there with other kids, and we ran around that ledge so we can reach the other side. It was vaguely sunny that day. It was close to dinner time.

That vague image and memory reminds me of the feelings I had back then that I still have today. That image looks old in my mind. Those feelings though a bit faded, can still be felt today.

4:45am

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)