4:25am
Tune: “Aimo” by Yoko Kanno, sung by Nakajima Megumi
Drink: Warre’s Warrior Special Reserve
If I were to ever end this blog site, I would say something along these lines:
The last X years had been eventful. There isn’t much to say further and you can continue to read my old entries if you like. Thanks for dropping by and I hope my words have served their purpose for you.
Best wishes, Leeman
That is of course, if I were to end this blog site. Not that I will at the current moment. There was another blogger from the mid 90’s who’s blog lasted for a decade. That’s ten years. He started entering his thoughts when he was in his mid-teens all the way to his mid-twenties. I thought that was quite a bit of will power. Unlike me, he actually spilled all his thoughts and feelings out and included a few video entries with sincere tears and in other times, laughter, etc.
I can’t do that, ever. He had guts. I mean, I can go as far as telling some of my dreams, revealing a bit about my thoughts and feelings when I’m influenced by alcohol and stuff, but that’s about it.
For example, every single one of my friends except say Michelle, has never managed to keep a blog for more than a year or two. The interest to continue just simply stopped for them. However, regardless whether I have hectic work, relationship troubles, and personal issues, I am still able to continue on. Is that a sign of consistent will power, a sign that I have a lot of thoughts still suppressed, or simply, I want to be heard but honestly do not trust anyone enough with my inner self?
[sigh]
When I really think about it, I haven’t grown up much. Yes, my thoughts have been more refined, my maturity has been more, well, more matured, and I have more experiences in most aspects of my life. However, I don’t feel that I’ve grown up. Refinement basically means my thoughts have been filtered and adjusted to fit my current personality and learned principles. These feelings has always been with me since I was a child.
When I played in the garden of our first house back in Hollycroft Drive, the base feelings I had then are no different than that of my feelings now. The only ‘difference’ is the refinement of the thoughts associated with those feelings.
There is a vague image of me climbing along the side of a dug-out construction site filled with tall unkempt grass and a dull red wooden fence to my right that surrounds the pit. I was there with other kids, and we ran around that ledge so we can reach the other side. It was vaguely sunny that day. It was close to dinner time.
That vague image and memory reminds me of the feelings I had back then that I still have today. That image looks old in my mind. Those feelings though a bit faded, can still be felt today.
4:45am
