Thoughtful Nutmeg

Reactionless Amidst Grief

It’s 12:14pm. I am listening to “Enigmatic Encounter” by ATB. I’m at 3:08 on the timescale. I am super inspired. Let’s not let this pass.

So first of all, welcome to my blog. It’s about time. I know, but I got stuck along the way. I thought I could take Leemanism all the way with me, but I needed a new place to evolve the documentation of the rest of my life’s journey. I need a place that represents me wholly. So what better place, than a website that is literally my name?

The last few days, was a bit of a blur. Not that anything particularly special happened. I was depressed, but it was bad. It was worst than usual. For a long while, at the very least, even though I was down and about, I still had the basic emotions to back me up. I was still empathetic to a point. I was still able to reciprocate. Then for a short while after that, I was happier. I was more at ease. I felt slightly more alive. I was somewhat more positive. Then one day, not long after, I noticed I wasn’t reacting to negativity, the sadness of other people, the pain other people were going through. I realized my depression had crept up to me like a ninja and assassinated my humanity.

And there I was, standing amidst grief, yet not reacting to it.

I’m not saying I am not capable of feeling emotion, but literally, I did not react to the majority of it – not even anger, if I am normally angry coinciding a situation. As if a part of my brain wasn’t capable of functioning in lieu of emotions that normally would have affected me greatly, or at least, to some degree. I was just hollow, with a vague haunting feeling somewhere as distant whispers way beyond my reach, and barely within earshot, remind me that I am still human, maybe.

So I must assert my humanity, like it is a thing that can be used. Like a tool that I can put away and take out again when needed. I know I am not fully incapable of feeling emotion. I still laugh. I still shed tears. I can still feel certain things, but for the most part, when my feelings should have triggered, they didn’t. It is only when I deliberately seek out things that would trigger my emotions, that my emotions come out, but even then, I find that the only consistency out of all of this, is my recognition of injustice and the grief, as well as anger that come from that. However, it is not a healthy variable to have. Alas, even then, I find that I am a lot more calm, and able to let it go to some degree than I used to. This is not saying I am more wise, and able to let things go better. This is saying that I am simply fucked and it’s not so monotone to the way my brain works.

I keep a photo of myself on my computer desk. It’s a photo of me standing on the edge of Garibaldi Lake looking over to the mountains in the distance, taken around 5:30 in the morning way back in the summer of 2006. It’s one of the most beautiful memories I have. I wish I could back there for a longer time, but with my illnesses, no way I can do that. There is a lot I wish I could still do, but I cannot, because perhaps, I will not.

Regardless, before I continue to trail off and spend the last few speckles remaining of my initial inspiration, I will end it here with a ‘thank you’. ♥

 

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)