In the less than an hour of continued sleep after I dropped my dad off to work, I dreamed that I was going from my home to a place that resembled Simon Fraser University to drop off an empty Samsonite laptop case I own. It was night time and I walked past some kids who were doing something with their bikes and skateboards. I went to some alcove and walked past a bunch of massive dung beetle like bugs, to a door and a bench beside it. The alcove was surrounded by a low small-stone studded wall with more ground – dirt, grass and bushes on top of it.
I set the case down and walked away and somehow ended back at my own place. Except it wasn’t the townhouse I’m living at right now. It’s an apartment I was either renting or own.
Somewhere in there, I met up with a female friend and we ended up having sex back at my place. I remember that she was in a state of loneliness and wanted to share a night of bodies touching and rubbing up against each other. Though she was feminine and willing and though we were already engaged in the sexual acts, I felt almost half-hearted in my attempt to continue, especially when she had her legs wrapped around me so tightly.
I felt as though I wanted to pleasure her, to show her I wasn’t just a cheap fuck, but at the same time, I felt that the one-night stand seems so ‘off’ and pointless. A small part of me just wanted to orgasm and leave it.
Which brings me to say this: I have found that in the last three and a half years since breaking up with my ex, I seem to have the fantasy of having a friends with benefits. I had that chance multiple times over the last three years. I had the chance for a threesome with two girls, I had the chance to have an ongoing FWB, I had the chance to engage in an intimate relationship with a sweet younger girl that had two young kids and I had the chance to have a one night stand with another female acquaintance. However, even with these chances, I only took one of them as an experiment to test my threshold. Indeed, I’ve flirted with all of these women, but in the end, I could not bring myself to actually engage in those activities.
Like I’ll take the two girls who wanted a threesome. I’ve known one of them since my high school days and I have only heard of the other girl. They wanted to meet up in a motel or back at that girl’s place and let me have my way with them. The idea of having two girls service me looked fucking fabulous in my mind, but ultimately, I’m a one-girl-at-a-time sort of guy, unless I’m high or drunk, then maybe.
What was funny about that arrangement was that we talked about scenarios on what we can do. She told me I can fuck her friend while she eats her out. Well, that was a huge turn on, but again, I kept resisting the offer. It was very very very tempting. It was VERY fucking tempting.
[sigh]
Then there was a girl a bit younger than me, who already has two kids. She is a nice, kind, sweet girl. She’s cute, has big breasts, really really short, but I’m selfish when it comes to love. Everyone is selfish when it comes to love, even though Julia disagrees. I’ll talk about this later in this entry.
This friend of mine is really really really sweet and I know she is very sexual and has a high sex drive which is an awesome combination, but my problem is her kids. My energy and time is split up between my friends, my cycling and my work. So I have focus points. If I accepted her, she would be my fourth focus point, which means I put a little less energy and time into my other aspects and put it into her. With her children around, I will have to be considerate towards her children. I can’t just call her up any time, hang out any time and do what horny adults want to do any time. She will have to schedule her time and energy around her kids to do anything with me. Therefore, she is more suitable for someone who want more kids, really love kids, have time for kids and/or like her so much that everything else is trivial.
Obviously, I will probably regret a little down the road.
I’m a rogue when it comes to love and intimacy. Someone like her deserves someone who is much more stable.
Then there is the friend with benefits. We started our friendship back in the summer of 2006 and had sexually experimented a little, but that didn’t work out for me. Then earlier last year, we tried it again and went all the way. It was difficult for me. For the first time in my life so far, I actually had to concentrate on the pure sex act itself to get myself through the experience. The sex itself purely on a physical level was not bad, but it was not great, because there was no emotional connection. The thing is, I can go with at least a little emotional connection, but there was absolutely none.
On another occasion, earlier this year, we did some more sexual experimentation and she ended up giving me head. On a purely physical level, it felt fantastic. She could really give great head, but it ended abruptly.
Ultimately, though she was always telling me how horny she was and sent me pictures of her in various poses, almost baring her breasts and such, we simply never really went too far into our FWB experience. I was simply turned off by her personality. Yes, you’re right – this is Maho from the “Being Attractive” entry.
Lastly, there was one more girl who I could have had a one night stand with. She was a quite a bit younger and though her personality was not bad, I could not connect with her on a mental level at all. In fact, she frustrated me so much, that I was turned off to any sexual proposition.
When it came down to it, I need two of three things fulfilled before I can engage in a sexual activity with someone. The three things are:
– emotional
– physical
– mental
With all of my past intimate relationships, emotional and physical was always the ruling factor when choosing who I let into my life intimately. In some rarer cases, it was emotional and mental. I have never once had someone in my life intimately that was physically attractive as well as mentally attractive.
As I once mentioned to Jason, “It’s difficult to accept someone intimately and share the mental aspect of a connection with.” I rather share my thoughts with someone like Jason, than with my girlfriend. It would just simply mean trouble down the road.
The thing is though, someone recently, a long distance special friend used to tell me she loves listening to my voice and would ask me to talk about my thoughts and stuff. That was nice.
By the way, I was listening to some video recordings of myself and could not think why my voice sounds that nice. Julia made fun of me, saying that I should become a DJ in Taiwan. Girls would swoon over my voice from all over Asia.
[sigh]
Yes, that’s what I will do. I will sell my voice in little canisters for $10 a pop. Maybe I can be a voice-over for those hot male actors. They provide their bodies and looks and I’ll provide my voice. History will brand me as, “The VOICE behind the men.” I can even see a movie biography about me, creating super stars out of hot men with bad voices.
8P
I think ultimately, as I said, I’m a rogue lover. A part of me want a sweet, caring girlfriend that I can spend an easy-going time with, just doing mundane things, but then a larger part of me want someone who is really messed up in their life, at least growing up. Why? I think I am that guy who want to be able to provide her emotionally and physically generously. I do in fact have a set of criteria that I want in an intimate companion, but never ‘practical’ enough to react to them.
I have never found someone who is a little lost, want a lot of love and seeks out a guy who is a lot like me. I only have two things to offer and neither of them are based on looks, and I cannot be attracted to a person who does not meet my basic factors of physical attraction. I am not too picky on the looks factor of a girl. However, I am actually really picky on the mental aspects of a girl. If I have to put emphasize on attraction:
1) The way she thinks, reacts, expresses herself
2) The shape of her body
3) The cuteness of her face
“Shape” does not necessarily mean “fit”. “Shape” means the flow of her body. “Flow” is important in all aspects of a person’s overall.
I mentioned in the previous entry titled “Being Attractive” that I am attracted to Kaori. However, our friendship has no flow to furthering that attraction to something more than just being friends. Many people don’t realize this and often go after their friends in hopes in making them a part of their lives intimately. To me, I always factor in the flow of those connections.
A girl can be super hot, but if there is no flow, there is no connection. A girl can be super expressive, but if she weighs like a billion tons and her primary exercise regimen involves bending her arms over to the snack bowl and into her mouth, then there is no other connection. A girl can be super sexual, but if she lacks every where else, sex itself would mainly be trying to get off as quickly as possible and leaving as quickly as possible.
Satisfaction is built around an emotional and sometimes, a mental connection with the body as a medium to connect with.
Love is selfish, because you will always seek to fulfill an aspect of what you desire, reflected on what you want from others. Even if you make yourself believe you’re generously giving yourself to someone else without reciprocation, you’re still trying to fulfill criteria you set for yourself, in trying to attain reciprocation from the target of your affection. In short: you only give as much as you want for yourself and if and when you don’t get reciprocation, you either A) become dissatisfied and leave the relationship, B) communicate your needs, and/or C) make yourself a martyr.