I have to admit, I am a little superstitious. My mom asks me from time to time, “Do you have hope for [insert things here]?” and I find that I cannot bring myself to serve and counter her worries. I can’t bring myself to say that I have hope for [insert things here] and I believe I can succeed in whatever I/we do. I cannot bring myself to say that because I had learned to let go of hope. This realization became refined as I aged but to pinpoint a date when it started, I would have to say it came about in the two years after the fall of my first company. The two years after that allowed me to abandon things that are meaningless in practicality.
As well, I find that I am taking things more ‘politically’ correct as I age. There are certain words and phrases I try not to use in conversation with others and I try to never repeat them with myself. “I hope” would be the biggest one. “This is gay” would be another.
The other night, I told a friend that there are things I need to do, but I found out soon enough that I cannot not be who I am. Rather, I cannot not allow myself to be who I am expressively. If I try to make myself more reserved and less expressive, I find it difficult to do. Of course, I can be reserved depending on company, but when I am not in the company of outsiders, I am who I am expressively.
Michelle might wonder, “Why would you try to stop yourself from being who you are?”
There are things I need to achieve in order to secure a few things in my life as it is coming. To achieve that security, there are things I feel I must define, as well, refine.
Yet, when I am alone, I am that person or when I am with someone with a like-mind or a like-heart, I am that person. Mood maybe? Excess venting? In many ways I want to stay like that person but there are things and people that are in my way and I can’t get rid of them.