4:12am
My sleep schedule, as always, is screwed up. I went to bed around 7:30pm and got up finally at 3am. In between, I woke up once. So there were two dreams I had that I remembered both of which were very unsettling.
The first dream had to do with losing my brother. Both my parents were still alive but throughout the entire dream, I felt utter loneliness, as if the one thing I adore the most has left without even a goodbye. Though I still had my parents, my connection with my brother was different.
In life, our relationship was like any other I guess. Though mind you, as I grew up, I realized more and more that I could have been a better and more understanding brother regardless of how he was like and what he became. I could say I adore my little brother even though I don’t directly express it. It’s one of those things that only my mom would know because she is the one I only talk to about my brother.
Then I woke up briefly and noticed that my computer was still on. Thank the ether that I can set the fan power on my computer!
My second dream was just as unsettling, except this time around, my brother was still alive but both my parents died in an accident of sorts. The feeling was very similar to the first dream, except I remember a lot more here.
The first part of the second dream, I was with my parents walking through what looked like a Shatin, Hong Kong in a Japanese setting. We just bought groceries and were walking back with bags of stuff. There were multiple perspectives here. It would be in my point of view, then off to the side, under a bench, from afar, from another person, etc. Then there would be odd ‘cuts’ in the scene where it was ‘present’ time and I would be walking somewhere alone thinking back on the days where my parents and I walked back and forth along that stretch of road carrying bags of groceries. The scene would jump back and forth to the past and present until the last half of the dream where I finally stopped ‘daydreaming’.
I sought emotional aid from friends and from my school. The school was my high school – the one most frequent and consistent thing that I’ve dreamt about since I left high school in the mid-late 90’s. No matter where I went, who I was with, who offered their support, no one understood and most people were indifferent. Worst of all, was that some of my friends laughed at me or ridiculed me because other people made fun of my sentimental feelings.
I remembered I went to Graeme Swan whom was a cross between himself and an older Caucasian women with glasses. I went to his office and he was busy but said he would give me 30 minutes. Even though he knew what I went for, he said, “This time we will find the second part to your motivational needs.” After some more drabble, I gave up on him and left.
I also tried calling Albert and Jenny repeatedly, but they avoided my calls. I tried talking with Jon and Carlo and they joked with the stranger who ridiculed my sentiments for my parents who passed not that long ago. I was with my old group of friends from high school and they were half-hearted and not serious at all.
Eventually, I left that need to call out for emotional aid and walked the city streets alone through the day and through the night. I went to many familiar places that I’ve dreamt about from my past dreams. Throughout that dream, I thought about my parents, everything they did for me and my brother. I thought about all the little things and all the things they did every day they were around us. I even walked up to a lookout point that overlooked the city below while the sun was setting and thought, “I miss the yummy food my mom makes and the peeled oranges she brings to me while I work every night.”
The view was gloomy but the sun was still there, slowly going down. Shadows were every where, the scene was particularily clear and lucid. The clouds and the dark blue skies looked crisp and powerful. I thought about my brother a lot. He was somewhere far away, but only a phone call away. I walked until the next day and I saw a large familiar bridge like the Alexander Fraser Bridge crossed with the Tsing Ma Bridge. I picked up my cell phone and called my 5th aunt and told her that I’m crossing the bridge to see her but don’t come to pick me up. I told her that it’s difficult to walk across this bridge but I want to do it alone. She was genuinely worried – something I don’t see often. In real-life, my 5th aunt panicks over little things but she is sincere towards her family. So that was reflected in my dream.
In some scenes, where the perspective was to the side, I could see my expressionless face, but it was a tired and dauntless one.
I’m not sure what triggered these two dreams, but prior to my sleep, I visited Michelle’s web site with her vacation pictures and after that, i went to brush my teeth, wash my face, and told me parents not to talk so loud downstairs.
After I woke up, I laid in bed and thought that there are a lot of things that are taken for granted but I am aware of them and how I am aware of them, is that often, I think about a future where I would be living alone, going to work alone, cycle alone, and do my own journey alone and would most likely miss the delicious home cooked meals my mom has learned since she was a young teen. I would also miss our talks about various things. I would miss the seldom walks we have in the Spring and Summer along with my dad. I would miss watching my parents interact with each other and with other people.
Sometimes, I feel as though I am a battery and my sole purpose is to live for them and then when they are gone, I become meaningless. Just like another nearly-used up battery.
A few weeks ago, I thought that in my elder years, I would like to volunteer in some form of charity or peace organization just to make this battery worthwhile all the way to the end.
5:07am