The Gray From The White

3:02am

[“Gate Crashers @ 56:00” (CD2)]

The single memory I remember from when I was a bit more than a year was lying in between my mom and my dad in bed at night. I was awake for some reason and the entire room flashed. I looked toward the window, through the separation of the curtains and another flash of lightning streaked in the sky, then thunder roared through the heavens. I have never feared the sound of thunder. In fact, I feel so ‘enlightened’ but thunder and lightning. It’s as though an orchestra of nature is bombarding the ether around me. I love the sound of it all, the lights and the power that it emits.

Earlier today, I went to the gym, did my round, went home, drank some soup, then went out in the rain for 10 minutes of cycling. The air was cold, and my arms were getting chilled, but the rest of my body, especially my legs and my back were emitting large amounts of heat. I was wet from the rain and from the sweat. I said to myself when I began the first half kilometre, “I know it will get colder, so I will ride harder.”

After the first corner, I switched to gears 2-7 and rode as hard as my legs possibly can. I zoomed past a few cars, a couple of pedestrians while a Boeing 747 or 777 flew overhead. As I made the slight curve northwards on Jack Bell Drive, I tried concentrating on a song I heard and remembered before, and that drove me to switch gears to 3-7. It was gruelling but I had the energy to spare.

No breaks, went across Cambie Road, into Bath Creek trail and into Greenland Drive. 3.5 kilometres in less than 10 minutes, with traffic consideration. If only the bike had more gears, I think I can stress myself even more.

So you may wonder, why did I do all that? [chuckles] I don’t need the extra exercise. As far as stamina goes, two months ago, I was still blah. Now two months later, I am actually better than when I was at my peak a couple of years ago. I can feel I can still go faster and farther.

Well, I don’t have anything better to do aside from the usual work. Now that FTX core on my side is complete, I am focussing on the corporate side of things, as well as some tid bits here and there missed from the previous months I slacked off from. Since I remade my vow from my last entry, I no longer have someone I can actually hang out with inside the city of Richmond.

You know what I was thinking about earlier? That if only I had a lot less responsibilities, I would be a little bit happier. I feel so restricted. Yes, I have a duty and I have family priorities, but I wish I didn’t have them. I wish my parents can indeed take care of themselves. I wish I can move out and start my own life. I’m 27 and I still have some ways to go before I am financially free – meaning stabilized for the family. Honestly? I don’t like living here at home. I want to move out into my own place, in the same city, but out of this house, far enough from my family but still close enough that I can go to them almost any time they need me.

So what am I? The Gray or The White? I feel like The Gray. I don’t feel pure. I do not feel ‘innocent’. I feel so numb. So dumb…

There is so much I want to do, yet I cannot do them. Often I wish I can just hop into a car and go somewhere without worrying if my parents need something. Further, I wish my brother would take some responsibility. He has no idea how difficult this has been for the family and myself. He goes out and play with his friends – clubs, parties, buys top of the line accessories, the most expensive cologne, the most stylish clothing, while my mom and my dad toils away at their low-end jobs – while I toil away at my day job as a sales manager, while I work my waking hours off at Razor.

I go through DC.org and through my friends, and NONE of them have this sort of responsibility that I have. It’s tiring, but I can see myself stuck like this until the day I die. I can see why the path of a corporate tyrant seems so much better even for me. I feel I want to steer towards that. However, if I do, that means a lot of people who has wronged me in the past and those associated with those people will go through hell when I acquire that sort of power and authority.

For the longest time, I see Albert’s progression into corporate tyranny, especially in the recent months. However, though a large part of me wish he would see past his stubbornness, as well as his inability to react to humor in a non-humorous situation, I can feel that he will eventually go into that path head on. A lot of people on his black list will go through hell when he acquires his power and authority.

That is really unfortunate for us, because for myself, at the very least, though I don’t expressively show it, I do have a lot of vengeance. Karma dictates that those with blood in their thoughts, in their goals, and in their words, are also prone to receive a backfire. Such as my recent ‘rendezvous’ with you know who, indeed, I still have and will continue to have a lot of resentment. May I also add, that what I just said here is an understatement.

Anyway, I wish I can be white, as in The White. Being The Gray sucks.

Honestly, I wanted to ask Albert the other night if it is possible for me to not steer towards a life of short-term relationships in which I don’t take any too seriously, top my way up the corporate ladder, invest wisely, coupled with three-times per week drinks at the local bar/pub, and just splurge on stuff I have always wanted to do, while making sure that my parents are taken care of? The choices I wanted to give him was if I was able to befriend Virginia and spill my heart out to her about everything, and she accepts my sincere friendship, would I be able to calm my vengeful heart and continue onto a path of compassion and ethical satire? OR, if I cannot befriend her, and allow all this negative emotion to ferment over time, amidst other things, would I go down the other path? The other path where I just simply don’t care anymore?

I was at a fork in the road, just a few days ago, but now, I find myself walking down the second path – the path of neutrality and indifference. It’s a lonely one, but this is where I learn to protect myself completely, become absolutely devious, and complete my conditioning to hide myself amidst a crowd of observers.

It has been more than 10 years to come to this fork, and it took about 6 years to come to this decision. It’s not too late to turn back and head down the other one, but honestly, I don’t feel like it. People can argue that we all have a choice in what we do, but I beg to differ. Our choices are only pure if we have absolutely no two-sided emotions battling with each other. If the balance of Ying and Yang is exactly balanced, the action to choose does not become an action anymore. Rather, the chosen path is the result of the influences of everything around us to tilt the balance in favor of one side.

Those like Tom Buckland will truly understand what I mean here. Unfortunately, we are not close that way anymore. Though I had wished it did not turn out like this, it did, and that’s it.

The only person in the world who understands this facet of me is not with me. At the very least, we aren’t at war, and furthermore, at least we have a peace treaty between us, but as that may be, I am still very wary and cautious of course.

Of course, Laura as you may read this, this doesn’t effect the relationship I have with you guys/gals. It’s just my deeper thoughts/emotions surfacing.

BTW, The Fisherman’s Challenge is about to come to a close I believe, cuz I can’t control myself. It’s umm… Difficult as I am now starting to dream about umm… My female friends… Umm… Yeah. I even have a few very explicit dreams about umm, certain people.

Right. ANYWAY… Sleep time.

3:52am