Zoomed out, way out

I’m sure many people have come to a point in their relationships where they wonder where it’s going and wonder where their partners place them in the bigger picture of things. In my years playing the flirtation and intimacy game, this one thing has never crossed my mind until my relationship with Amber. More frequently, this one thing hasn’t crossed my mind more clearly until the recent months.

On one hand, I have my pride and past glory. On the other, I have submitted to the very thing I despise. People might think that pride is just unnecessary personal ego and that past glory means very little in the present day of things. However, pride and past glory makes up the “who” and “why” factors of a person’s character. So long as the person realizes how pride can be used and not let it take over good reasoning. Past glory should be used as a guidance tool and not a means to boast extravagantly.

Anyway, the thing I despise is anti-logic. Logically, a man and a woman falls in love and makes sure that love is kept within arms reach. I am not saying this literally of course. Yet I find myself in this situation where I am almost constantly telling myself the following:

– “I need to be patient.”
– “I should avoid the negatives and focus on the little steps of positives.”
– “I can’t revert back to that ‘monster’ I was. I need to give her that support she needs.”
– “Even though I gave her money to easily get internet back, there must be a reason why she isn’t getting it and I must accept it.”
– “I will avoid the internet issue as much as I can and just try to think about other things.”

At the same time, I am struggling with:

– “Why doesn’t she just get her internet back? I’m paying for a game she can’t play. I gave her money specifically for the internet and she’s wasting my money and time.”
– “Why isn’t she answering my very simple questions?”
– “I wish she would reciprocate my naughty messages.”
– “I wish things were more equal and middle of the way with us.”

I’ll be honest of course. It bugs me a lot. It’s the sort of annoyance where I would have blown up in a volcanic rage in the near past. However, in my method of trying not to think about them, I have focused on work, games, this blog and getting reconnected with friends. In this process of re-focusing my attention, I have this ‘fear’ that I may fall out of love or worst: fall for someone else at the same time.

I asked myself many times: “Am I with Amber because I feel obligated to her?”

My answer has always resulted in a long series of thoughts and the resulting answer was always the same: “No.”

Like my video about Amber, I just know and see so much in her that we can make this work, but this lack of communication on her part has turned me off on many fronts. For one, why am I re-focusing my energy and mind into other things when I shouldn’t?

I also asked myself these questions:

– “Does she expect I would stick with her after years of poor communication?”
– “Does she expect our relationship to stay healthy if this continues on?”
– “Does she realize how difficult it is to maintain this relationship when my mind is being drawn away from this relationship by so many other things?”

I already actively avoid other women. I make sure I don’t get drunk in the presence of other women and questionable people. In fact, I have quit hard liquor and cut down on beer and wine consumption by a lot. From 2000 to mid 2012, I used to drink one bottle of wine on average per week. On some occasions, I drank up to two bottles of wine per week and a few cans of beer. In my earlier days, I drank $200 to $500 of alcohol per weekend. That’s not including food. From mid 2012 to now, I haven’t touched a drop of hard liquor and the last time I had wine was ten days ago and that was one and a half glasses of white wine.

What I am getting at is I am trying to avoid places, people and situations where I can ‘give in to the moment of weakness’. I am doing an excellent job so far, but I have to confess the thought has crossed my mind as a fantasy.

I never actually believed in “true love”. Even now I don’t believe in it. The words “true love” is a psychological misgiving suited for the love sick and naive. However, I have to admit that this kind of feels like that. I thought:

– “It’s not really a matter of how long I must wait, but more like when it happens, it will finally be nice.”
– “I can only see her at the airport coming out of the arrival gate.”
– “We can finally have dinner together after I’ve cooked for her and she watched me cook.”
– “We can lay in bed together and just smile and talk in my unlit room.”
– “I can show her the places I grew up at and the places that were memorable to me now sharing a part of that experience with her.”
– “I can take care of her when she is sick.”
– “We can web cam with her family occasionally.”
– “I’ll show her Pacific Spirit regional park and show her the beams of sun rays through the trees.”
– “I’ll watch her eat her first lobster tail.”
– “We’ll buy groceries together.”

And so on and so forth, but I am struggling much more so now than before. Before, I would just send her series of angry emails and somehow calm down and then try to come to a strong compromise. No, instead, this time, I sent her two emails and some texts of disappointment.

Sometimes, I wonder if she realizes what she is doing or rather, not doing and by not doing anything, what she hopes to achieve. Can someone shed some light into this ultra-illogical reasoning for me?

I’m at a crossroads. Should I keep supporting someone who:

– has rarely been there for me
– has promised many things and broken almost all of them
– has constantly avoided my very easy to answer questions
– has repeatedly made excuses to do the very easy things that connect us together
– has created a reason to not come here
– has repeatedly ignored my messages

It’s more complicated than just leaving the relationship because of her issues. Then again, maybe I am making excuses to stay. It feels like she’s taking advantage of me, my generosity, my willingness to make huge compromises. Does anyone see something vastly unfair and wrong here or is it just me? Does anyone else thing she is using me? I feel like I have become a weak idiot.

This song pretty much sums up my thoughts.

[yt]bns7RrevWog[/yt]

The translation of this song is below:

直到你不找我
Until you don’t look for me

記得當時誰路過　
Remembering who walked past at the time
秒針忽然停頓過
The second hand had suddenly stopped
氣溫濕度曾驟變太多
The temperature and humidity changed too often
記憶不停重疊過
Memories repeatedly overlapping
你的表情提示過
Your expressions had hinted
愛的　可能是我
Maybe the person (you) love is me
想法太亂　幻覺太多
Thoughts are too confused, too many illusions
疑慮很大　直到說不清楚
Hesitation is too much, until words become unclear
心算太慢　但仍然算錯
Calculating by heart is too slow, but still calculated incorrectly
找對人　偏錯過
Found the right person, but missed the opportunity

**
直到開始想喜歡我　
Until (you) begin to not able to find me
直到終於不喜歡我
Until finally don’t want to find me
直到碰上一個
Until meet someone　
逃避一個
Evade someone
追不上
Can’t overtake
躲不過
Can’t hide
直到你擦身過
Until you brush past
才認得我
Then recognise me
彼此也在折磨
Torment for both of us
像當初
Like the beginning
**

想法太亂　直覺對麼
Thoughts are too confused; is the intuition correct?
疑慮很大　直到愛不清楚
Hesitation is too much, until love becomes unclear
當這世上　全懷疑我錯
When everyone on earth doubts that I am wrong
總有人　相信我
There will be always someone who believes me

Source: http://forum.raymondlam.org/index.php?topic=766.0

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So often, I would pick my phone and have a strong desire to text her some words of encouragement, but with so little to go on, I usually stop myself from doing it and put down my phone again.