Awhile ago, my wife remarked on camera, “My husband used to go after married women.” I laughed my ass off. The idea of it cracked me up. Oooh, I can see the evil stares from people who have super high social morals who believe I should be strangled right now. 😉
Someone, a long time ago, asked me if I feel bad for sleeping with married women whom have given their vows to cherish their partners til death do them part. I told him that of the times I had sex with married women, was when their current relationships are already in the shits. In short, when their relationships were barely hanging from a thread. Otherwise, I normally don’t sleep with married women whom are doing it just because they can, and that their relationships are decent.
Mind you, things aren’t so black and white. Everything has a connection, a dynamic, and context. However, before I continue, on the Dungeons & Dragons morality scale, I am roughly Lawful Neutral, though my wife thinks I’m more like Lawful Evil. Indeed, how we live our lives isn’t so black and white. I am still capable of empathy, love, and honour. I am also capable of helping the poor, the sick, and the less capable. However, that doesn’t mean I am wholesome, nor decent. It just means I don’t fit into one category that society tend to give everyone.
With that out of the way, the reason I don’t feel bad for the marriage itself, and how broken it is, is because it has nothing to do with me. I am not the one who made those vows, nor the one who is breaking them. I’m merely an ends to a means. Furthermore, married couples often break them even without having sex or having romantic encounters with other people. You know the part that reads, “…to love and to cherish”? Yeah, it seems after awhile, one or both people stop the “cherish” part of their vows for the most part, and convert the “love” part of their marriage into some background noise they bring up every Valentines Day or anniversary. It’s quite pathetic actually.
For example, someone I know has been married for about twenty years now. They have sex less than once a year. That’s not because either of them don’t want it, but at least one of them just doesn’t want to do it with the other spouse. On top of that, while they indeed do live together, do chores together, take care of the kids together, as well as travel together, they rarely are romantic together. A far cry from the beginnings of their marriage on the “…to love and cherish” part of their vows. They’re like roommates. In another example, one spouse does all of the work in the household, on top of actually going to work, and taking care of the kids. The other spouse believe it’s enough to just bring home money, occasionally care for the kids, and is void of consideration of the hardworking, multi-tasking spouse. So what happened with the “…to love and cherish” part of their vows?
You see? It’s easy to condemn me for being an accomplice, the homewrecker, but society often fail to look at the root of the problem. Most of the time, people tend to use bandage solutions, rather than solve foundational problems. So not only are the people lacking in the sensitivity to communicate with each other, but the cracks in their marriage happened so long ago, that it will just continue to ferment resentment in at least one of the spouses in each of those marriages over time. So why is society condemning me, a means to an end, when the true problem lies with those involved in the lack of loving and lack of cherishing part of the vows they made?
Now, if you ever observe the relationship my wife and I have, we certainly cherish each other every day. We kiss a few times every single morning before she goes to work. She hugs me a few times a day, every day. I caress various parts of her body every single day. I tell her how hot she is every now and then. We always try to do things for each other, big and small, like she would just get me some tea while I am in a client Skype meeting, or I would prepare her blankets just before she goes to bed. Every now and then, I would write on the bathroom mirror, “You’re a strong beautiful woman” or a simple, “I love you”. Sometimes, I would find a random file in my computer titled “I love you.jpg”. Opening it would usually yield those same words, or a picture of a heart, or something else. Also, since I work at home and she is on her feet all day at the store, I make sure to clean up the house almost every day, make everything tidy, create an ambiance she will feel cozy coming home to. When we argue, we make it a habit of not allowing that argument melt into the next day and if it does, we make an effort to reflect on our issues, then address them as quickly as we can. In case you’re wondering, as of today, we’ve been married for almost eight years. So it’s not like we’re newly weds in our honeymoon phase.
^ Typical note I get on the whiteboard from Amber.
^ I was laughing because I imagined how she said it to me verbally: cute, annoyed, and flustered. ^_^
^ The view from my desk. Small photo of Amber when she was 20-ish, a medium sized picture of her when she was about 25, and a large wallpaper of her being a sexy goth.
^ Since we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, I bought a small frog figurine a few months ago. Then on Valentine’s Day, I handed the figurine to Amber as a surprise, and ask her to place it inside the small 3 gallon aquarium. It represents the two of us, leaning against each other. Basically, how we support and cherish each other.
Now, let me ask you. How many people in relationships that you know, as well as yourself, do any of these things? When I made the vows “…to cherish and to love”, you can bet your ass, that I meant it and I will definitely follow through with it sincerely and honestly. Every day might as well be Valentine’s Day and every day might as well be our anniversary. We just make it a little bit extra special on those particular days.
Mind you, that same guy who asked me if I felt bad, also tried to convince me that this sort of belief is wrong and that I shouldn’t try to break people’s marriages apart. So I said to him, paraphrased, “Let’s put it another way, if your spouse spent copious amounts of time hanging out with their friends at Imperial Hobbies, playing Warhammer 40k every single day instead of spending time at home, would you blame Imperial Hobbies for your spouse’s disappearance? If your partner spent more time at the office watching Netflix and playing LAN games with her co-workers to blast her stresses away, than to be with you, would you blame Netflix and her co-workers for her lack of attention towards you? It would be absurd if you did.”
Alas, the problem isn’t what or who she is doing things with. The problem is the relationship you have with your partner. If it wasn’t me, it would be something or someone else. Many loveless, sexless, and barely happy marriages result in one spouse spending a lot of time on one or two areas of their lives. Children is one of those things and is a major filler for the void they feel in their marriages. On the outside, they seem like a happy normal family, but on the inside, a lot of resentment has built up over the years between partners, and their kids are just a scapegoat to deflect that resentment into something productive. This happens all of the time. This is a very common problem and bandage solution. Hundreds of thousands upon hundreds of thousands of people post about their problems on social media, Quora, Medium, as articles on blogs, forums, so on and so forth about this exact same thing. Children often get hurt in the process, hating one parent over the other, not understanding the context and history of their marriage problems. It’s dumb, but people still do it!
Most of the time, people will accuse me of being a homewrecker and call me morally corrupt, but I digress. If anyone is to point their fingers at the person being a homewrecker, it would be the one who is doing the pointing. They should point at themselves. They’re only blaming me for wrecking a marriage, because they refuse to face the fact that person’s marriage is the responsibility of those involved, that they are the ones who need to care for it, even after they exchange their vows, and put each others’ rings on their fingers. A lot of couples tend to stray from their marriage vows, after the honeymoon period of their new marriages. They get into all sorts of passive-aggressive communication issues, which in my opinion, is very odd. It’s like most people just simply want this sort of twisted normality in romantic relationships. Then again, come to think of it, is this how they define “romance”? Romance being a series of passive-aggressive communication problems?
Anyway, I am merely a reminder that their marriage is in the shits. They’re using me as a scapegoat for all of the problems they refuse to acknowledge, so they make themselves believe, that they can go back to the way things were before I came along. Dude, there is no going back to the way things were, because obviously, something in the way things were wasn’t working. Also, it’s possible either you and/or your partner changed along the way and something happened in your relationship that gradually broke it apart. My only part in all of this, is that I was an opportunity – an escape, a release, a stress relief. If your wife had to seek out another cock to pleasure her, and/or another body to give her the cuddles and giggles, then surely, I am definitely not the problem here. So stop the deflection and reflect on your own deeds for once, and look at all of the bullshit that has accumulated over the months and/or years. Clearly your wife finds some degree of happiness and comfort being with me. Clearly, she doesn’t with you. Either work on your damn marriage, if it isn’t too late already or get a divorce.
Fortunately, for my wife and I, we don’t wait things out for shit to destroy the foundations of our relationship. We don’t let most things ferment. If a problem comes up, we solve it on the spot. Sometimes, it takes a series of solutions to solve one problem. Sometimes, it takes only one. Sometimes, it takes more time as well. All in all, we get our relationship right because not only do we communicate openly, but we also recognize that each individual have their own strong points, as well as weak points. Each of us try our best to cater to those various points. Of course, we’re both human with our moods to tend to. So while we try our best to create solutions to any problems we may have, we’re also not perfect. We do fight. We do argue. We do at times, get verbally violent. That just comes with the personalities each of us are. However, there is also progression in our relationship, empowerment towards each other, to learn how to support each other, to figure out methods to evolve ourselves so our relationship can benefit. We’re a dynamic couple and as you can probably tell, we haven’t brought any children into our marriage because we don’t need to. Indeed, neither Amber and I are traditional-family oriented, though at one point she did want children. However, we would ever only have children if it helps complement our marriage, rather than be a void filler.
Now, if anyone asks how I would feel if some other man tried to flirt with my wife, or try to whisk her away, my answer is simple: go right ahead. I LOVE IT when other men and women flirt with my wife. Absolutely love it. It turns me on so damn much. If another man successfully woos Amber into an evening of passionate fucking, oh my god, please take pictures and videos for me to watch later. Perhaps Amber can suck me off while I watch it at a later time!
Cheating is breaking the rules of a relationship. In our marriage rules, having sex with other people isn’t cheating.