And what is right, doesn’t mean it’s always the right thing to do either. It always comes down to the circumstance and why one chooses what they do, versus the alternative.
I uploaded a blog post with the same topic a few months ago, titled “An Ends to a Means“. However, that had a more generalized tone, where as this one is more specifically about Pascale and her broken marriage.
Pascale and I are quite compatible in many aspects, but the main reason why we never became more than just flirtatious friends was primarily because when she was available, she had a very naive view of the world. Within that world view, I didn’t fit in it because I didn’t fit with what she considered the most important of her ideas of attractive qualities. Though she had remarked that my confidence and wits were lovely. Alas, at that point in time, she strictly desired men who shared her religious affiliation, that met a specific height, that looked a specific way, and ultimately, would look good together in a public space. She gave me 1.5/10 in attractiveness, when she first met me. That’s what she told our mutual friend at the time.
Prior to her getting married, she strongly believed that a big dick will automatically give her an orgasm. I didn’t argue with her point, but did point out that big dicks just mean they’re big. Most women don’t find big dicks comfortable. A big dick is more about visual appeal that triggers a woman’s sexual desires. Ultimately, to achieve pleasure and orgasms, it comes down to compatibility and how the partners use it. After briefly telling Pascale this, she gave me a look of disbelief, followed by the insistence that what I said simply wasn’t true. What made it laughable was that she was saving herself for the man she would one day marry, believing that intercourse was a sacred bond between two people in love. Her insistence that big dicks would be the be-all and end-all of all of her sexual needs, was naive. It wasn’t until she had intercourse, that she realized her previous beliefs all came crashing down. I still find it unfathomable to do this day, that anyone would be this naive.
Mind you, all of this changed as she aged and the more times she spent trying to get off on a big cock, the more she realized she will never be able to achieve an orgasm with it. To this day, she still hasn’t had any orgasms with that big dick. Furthermore, she also realized that all of the superficial aspects of what makes someone initially attractive was quickly lost once she spent more time with her spouse.
Well duh! I could have told her that, considering that I’ve had more than four times the amount of intimate partners she’s had and infinitely more sexual experience to boot! For example, Cindy, a woman I dated from the ass end of 2004 to early 2006, told me one of her past fuck buddies had a one foot long cock, that always hurt her and she was never able to get an orgasm with. She was able to get orgasms with me 95% of the time, and my dick is quite average on the shorter end. I know how to use my pecker, plus, I communicate with my lovers on what does it for them, rather than assume big dick equals amazing sex. ^_^
Now, I’ve been having sex since I was 9. Yes, 9. My first sexual experience was with an 11 year old girl. She was my babysitter’s youngest daughter who loved playing doctor with me, or watch silly romantic movies, then apply to our role playing sessions. In one instance, she would take me to her bedroom, then get me to reenact a scene where two people kissed. So yes again, I had my first intimate kiss at age 9. She also learned about french kissing. So I had another girl’s tongue in my mouth at age 9 as well. She did a lot of things with me, like jerk me off, kiss my genitals, and she directed me to do similar things to her as well. Every day I was at the babysitter’s home, while her mom was cooking dinner, and before my parents picked me up, she would bring me to the den, where it was unlit, and take me behind the window row of couches, where she lifted up her dress and pulled her panties down, then had me lay on top of her. At first, I didn’t know what was going on, but not long during my first experience, when she asked me to move myself forward and backward, that I learned to rub myself against her. I don’t know if I was ever inside of her, but I do know it felt good. I started masturbating when I was 5.
I’ve read many articles about adults feeling disgusted for what happened with them, as children, being sexually taken advantage of by someone who was a bit older than them, but I had the opposite feeling. I felt enlightened in my adult years having had these sexual experiences at such a young age. I had further sexual experiences in my mid to late teens, and they were fun sometimes, but not most of the time, because while intercourse always felt very good, it rarely lasted more than a few minutes. Even then, I didn’t particularly feel close to the girls I had sex with. I think it had to do with my problems outside of those relationships like being bullied, or going to school in an environment where I felt I wasn’t wanted, that people felt disgusted with me, etc. Of course, this particular part of my life is for a different blog post.
With that early-age sexual experience as context, obviously, I’ve had way more sexual experiences than Pascale. By the time Pascale was on her third relationship, where she insisted big dicks equated to automatic orgasms, I already had about a dozen sexual partners, about half of which were with women I had intercourse with and within those whom I had intercourse with, only one of them could not achieve an orgasm with penetration alone. My dick isn’t big. It’s on the smaller end of average. Normally, it’s about 4.5 inches when erect and about 5 inches when I am super turned on. A girlfriend of one of my past lovers had measured my erection to be as long as 5.5 inches, as my lover was licking my balls. In case that was confusing to read, basically, I had a friend with benefits who is bisexual and she was dating a lesbian at the same time, who accepted her alt-relationship lifestyle that she had with me. So my FWB was licking my balls, while her lesbian girlfriend measured me.
Anyway, besides that one woman that wasn’t able to achieve an orgasm with my average-sized penis, every other girl I was with never had any complaints. In fact, in one session, I was able to help an ex cum six times within ten minutes. She was soaking wet, super tight, and eager to go at it with me again soon after. In a span of three hours, she orgasmed passed a dozen times. She told me she lost count at around 11. She looked amazing riding/grinding the fuck out of me. What made her cum so much, so hard, so quickly was that I rocked her back and forth with my hands on her hips. By the time she fell on me after her sixth orgasm, my biceps were shot to hell. I wasn’t working out at the time and wasn’t that fit. However, my stamina was top notch due to my frequent cycling. So fucking her doggy, a favourite position of hers, combined with all the molestation I did, kissing, licking, caressing, she was able to easily ride me to heavenly bliss.
I mentioned in the second paragraph, that all of this changed as Pascale and I aged. After she got married, she realized that all of the superficial aspects of what made someone initially attractive was quickly lost once she spent more time with that person she thought she loved while living together. For example, all the little nuisances got to a point that started eating away at the foundations of their marriage. Then when cracks started to form, and those nuisances didn’t go away, mold started filling in those cracks, which caused further deterioration of the marriage. Whenever their communication defaulted to bargaining and competition, that love and desire for that person became resentment and disgust. Yes, her husband is still physically attractive, but everything else about him lacks and because people normally make sentimentally deep relationships with people based on one’s character, their marriage is at a point that it only exist because of their family life. Mind you, I have always been one to suggest that people shouldn’t stay together on the idea they’re doing it for the kids. Unless their kids are brain dead, they are going to be able to see the relationship dynamics between the parents. The arguments, the idiosyncrasies, the temperament of each parent, etc, will ultimately show the kids just how potentially broken the relationship is. Of course, that is to say that the children are actually emotionally intelligent and not just walking/shitting perspective-challenged social media vegetables who see everything in one particular world view. Eg: “It’s more important that the family stays together even if mom and dad are unhappy, because I want to be happy! Yay us!”
I remarked to Pascale that while infidelity is wrong, it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do coinciding one’s specific circumstances. Cheating isn’t just about infidelity. Cheating is breaking the rules of a relationship. You know those vows you made towards each other on the day you put rings on each others’ fingers? Yeah, they are the foundations of the rules you have with your partner. “To love, and to cherish”. Her husband has broken those vows a long time ago. He cheated on her by breaking the rule “to love, and to cherish, til death do us part”. Indeed, we’re all human and we cannot unconditionally express love with one another all of the time, but even then, we’re speaking about consistency in which those involve actually care about each others’ well being.
So while most people would disagree with me here, I believe that infidelity is needed in certain circumstances. If you’re stuck in a relationship, where you’re not willing to leave or you can’t leave, and you’re still bombarded with stupid shit, then for you to ‘stay in’, sometimes, it’s understandable for you to find relief outside of that relationship. This is the same concept for everything else we do. If work gets you down, you relieve yourself with hobbies and sports. If children gets you down, you take a night off and hang out with your friends. If your partner is getting on your nerves, you take time off for yourself to be alone, or with your besties. If you’re in a relationship you can’t leave, but is shit, then you find someone who would appreciate you, protect your interest, and never bring drama into your life. This is a reality of human relationships.
I once thought like you, the judgmental reader, who strictly believed that if two people are in such a broken relationship, that all they have to do is just leave and start a new life again. However, as I aged, as I observed thousands of articles about different individuals and their situations, as well as going through my own setbacks in my intimate relationships, I realized that there is no one size fits all. All those self-help life coach blogs you read about, are guides to a healthy lifestyle, but the reality is that most people don’t live in a healthy lifestyles. Even those who have healthy work out regimens, who have a good living wage, who live in a comfortable place, often have personal problems that haunt them in and out of sleep. Individuals are not just one thing. They can be more than one thing. More than that, as dynamic as we all might be, at the end of the day, the choices we make, the things we believe in, the situations handed to us all come down to one common thing: no one ideology works for everyone for all of the circumstances every individual may have.
So while having sex with someone that isn’t your spouse in a monogamous relationship is wrong, it is still right if it benefits you in a way that allows you to continue to stay in a relationship that you believe you must. It’s twisted, yes, but humanity is a mess of intertwining beliefs. Until we all become drones with programmed thoughts and belief systems, we all must dynamically weigh factors into our individual lives, simply for the sole reason to survive – to live. You don’t have to agree with me. I don’t care what you believe in. If this is disagreeable with you, then simply live the life you want to live. Don’t try to teach others how to live theirs. The purpose of this blog post is to open up a dialogue of what is possible, rather than what should be condemned. If human beings are simple minded drones with a preset range of standards from the day they’re born all the way to the day they die, sure, it’s possible to condemn their choices in life, but no one is born and go through life the same as the next person. Pascale grew up in a religious household who eventually accepted love and support from her peers. I grew up in a broken traditional household with an emotionally abusive father, who was bullied throughout high school, who developed depression in my youth. Pascale ended up married to the wrong man. I ended up married to a woman who has major PTSD issues. All four of the women who are our direct neighbours are single, in their various life stages, with their varying life experiences, and for whatever personal reasons, are single.
We’re not all born equal. We all don’t live life equally. We’re not all given the same equal opportunities. So don’t expect your ‘holier than thou’ attitude to be easily applied to every individual. Like I said, I was once like you, the judgmental reader, but now, in my 40’s, I know better.
For clarity sakes, I am not saying I am a sex god. I am also not saying I automatically know my way around a woman’s sexual needs. What I am instead saying is that at the end of the day, sex is a form of intimate communication between those involved. Sometimes, a dick isn’t enough to achieve an orgasm. A dick is often times used as an aid to enhance sexual pleasure while using other things like fingers, tongue, a vibrator, or some other tool to achieve orgasms. Also, coinciding sexual morality, people’s notions of what is considered good and bad, are in my opinion pretentious at best. Of course, if someone cheats on their partner for the sole reason they can do it, even when their relationship has no problems, then obviously they are assholes that don’t deserve their partners. However, as I mentioned above, if someone cheats on their partner because they have convinced themselves they must stay, even through all of the stressful problems they have in that relationship, then surely, it’s understandable why infidelity was the next best choice to make.
Of course, even with these two possibilities, I am still oversimplifying those situations. There are almost always many little things that add up to a major crash in one’s decision to do what they decide to do for themselves. For example a woman can be in a marriage with a very loving, caring husband, who cherishes her, and fulfills all her familial needs. However, that same husband can be doting to the point it gets on her nerves. That same husband can be suffocating with his love and care, to a point that she feels that he’s always in her face. That same husband has unattractive traits outside of the marriage, like be a doormat, and is easily pushed around, isn’t ambitious, and doesn’t have many hobbies. So just because something is considered good by society’s standards, it doesn’t meant it’s really that good based on the needs and wants of those involved directly with that relationship.
Society will always reward people’s contribution to a common ideology based on the concept of goodness and wholesomeness. However, in the process of that, society will also punish the individual for the choices they make if society deem those choices unacceptable behaviour, regardless of the reasons why those choices were made in the first place. That is why many retired porn stars will tell their interviewers they felt ashamed of themselves for showing their sexual selves off to the public. That’s because society condemned them for it. A sex positive society would not, and if they had lived in a sex positive society, they would instead have felt liberated and happy. I am not condoning infidelity as the go-to choice for an unhappy relationship. My first suggestion will always be to break up with their partner, work on themselves, then be opened to new and better relationships. Infidelity is a byproduct of a situation where you’re stuck and need to keep yourself relatively happy, or at least, give yourself a break from the stresses of an existing relationship.
Ultimately, my advice is this: before anyone get too deep into their new romantic relationships, during their dating phase, each person involved should communicate clearly what their needs and wants are, on top of what their relationship rules should be, and what their personal boundaries are. If you leave it until you’re married, you’re most likely going to get into a situation where you’re going to regret your marriage, and if not, then slowly resent the person you married, as well as start hating yourself for it.
One last detail. One could argue and ask, “You believe infidelity is needed sometimes. Well, what if your wife cheating on you behind your back with someone else?”
Of course, I would be upset at first. However, that upset would eventually turn into heavy self reflection. I would ask the question, “Why did she cheat on me?” If it’s infidelity, the answer would be simple. Based on our relationship dynamics and our personalities, the most possible reason is because I cheated on her in other non-infidelity related breakage of our relationship rules, such as not loving her enough, or not paying enough attention to her over a long period of time, or I have been cold and hurtful consistently. Etc. While what she did would be considered wrong, I would also accept responsibility on my part for not giving her enough of what was needed for our relationship to thrive. We would ultimately sit down and talk about it. In time, our relationship may evolve, or simply, break apart.
Don’t get me wrong. A person is only a doormat, if that person has experienced the same shit repeatedly, yet continues to stay in that relationship. If after we work things out and my wife still cheated on me, most likely, I would divorce her.
On that same note, I have brought up divorce with Amber within the last six months. It had nothing to do with infidelity and everything to do with breaking her vows to me. Unlike most other people who bring up divorce on a whim when they get into big fights, I have never brought up divorce based on such frivolous things. I have only brought up divorce based on major incompatibilities combined with constant broken promises, that even her PTSD cannot excuse. Alas, this might be for a different blog entry at a different time.