Coal & Diamond

11:08am

Just got up from a 7 hour sleep. Not bad. I have to complete the working version of my client’s web site today though. [sigh]

Another dream…

I dreamt I was with 3 friends that I met through Patrick, one of them being Francis. We all agreed to drive vans separately to some location. The first two guys successfully drove to their destinations while me and this other guy made some wrong turns, but did eventually make it as well. Upon parking at a industrial centre of sorts, the view switched to birds-eye-view like an isometric video role playing game in mainly 2D. The other two guys easily made through the stage, where as my other friend and I separated and got stuck at dead-ends and got lost. However, we did eventually get to a clearing intersection and the other two guys made it to the ledge of some building. I pointed toward a gradual decline along the wall and so they went down to join us.

After we met up again, we all cleared the stage and I was in someone’s basement with this rather cute looking Chinese girl. She was on top of me, kissing and doing all sorts of naughty things to me. She was wearing a blue and white maid’s dress with her hair tied into two pixie tails. Her top buttons were opened and her breasts were bare and gorgeously stiff and large – a bit larger than baseballs. 8]

Anyway, after sex or something like that, we talked about stuff and realized I wasn’t very comfortable telling her about my feelings. I didn’t want to upset her. However, she insisted and I told her that I really liked her and I recognize that she cares deeply about me and tries to do a lot for me, but I have priorities that I have to tend to. I told her that she is a part of my top priorities but most of my other priorities make up the majority.

After trying to state my stance, she looked not as happy but she nodded and said she understood and cuddled up to me. I felt like shit but at the same time, I felt as though I finally made it clear where my heart is at.

I remember thinking that she isn’t exactly what I want in a companion, though she is willing sexually and she looks cute and she was considerate and caring and stuff, she wasn’t what I preferred. In reality, though the type of girl and type of relationship I dreamt about was an ideal one – one that would allow me comfort and possible refuge, it was also not the exact type of relationship I wanted. Unfortunately, I want to flirt freely, casually date here and there and choose a woman whom I can have an intimate partnership with, but nothing too serious. I want her to be independent and not too emotionally attached to me, but that’s the thing. Though I want her to be independent with a strong character, wit and sexual vigor, I also want someone like that girl I dreamt about.

So after all these years, I still have this dilemma. Then again, after all these years, the type of girls whom I have had intimate relationships with were mainly the latter – strong and sexual, very independent, etc. When people ask me what I want in an intimate relationship, I tell them that I know exactly what I want, but I rather not answer it as it will take too long to answer any questions afterwards. However, what I’ve said above is pretty much it.

Personally, I can’t stand people who can’t be decisive. When I’m with my friends/family, I reflect what they do because I know that group dynamics usually dictate a choice between options. On the other hand, when I’m with Jon, I can usually say what I want to do and we’ll do it. Just like at Razor, I give Ray and Jason all these options, they think about it and ask me which to go for and I choose one. I know what I want and I know what I need to do. It’s just that I want both in this case. [laughs] In a sense, I want to be two people – one without the other’s set of desires. Alas, that is just fantastically tiring.

Now that I think about it, maybe that girl in my dream represents what I really want. Something I didn’t think about previously is that maybe when we’re alone, when I am the most vulnerable, she allows herself to shed her barriers and such away and try to connect with me intimately through spiritual, emotional, and physical means. Whilst ‘outside’ with others or in public, she is a strong person with wit and charm that allows me to adore her greatly?

[chuckles]

That’s impossible for me to find and accept someone like that. I’m not saying I can’t or I haven’t met someone like that. I am saying that it’s (almost) impossible for me to find and accept someone like that. Why? Because knowing myself, I know I do not deserve such a connection. I don’t have much to offer her in return.

[ponders]

Think about it, someone like that would like to travel and learn and experience different cultures and such. It’s not that I don’t want to travel and experience new things. It’s because I have other priorities and money goes to other things. Sure if I made $1 a year with corporate ‘donations’ exceeding the millions, then yeah, I’ll travel in business class to a wide variety of destinations with my loved ones. Another thing is that I tend to stay too comfortable with my immediate surroundings. Though I am confident for the most part in the things I do and will do, I am also a very strong cuttlefish that tend to stick to familiar surroundings – UNLESS I am already out of the country with lots of moola, then sure, I don’t mind getting lost.

Anyway, I’m getting way off topic.

I love to learn about new things, taste new dishes, drink new wines and juices, try new things, etc, etc. I don’t look like that type of person, but I am. Just because people never or rarely see me doing other things, I really want to and I used to, it’s just that nowadays, I don’t have that viable oppportunity.

[sigh]

I thought about Patrick, on how long he’s not been with someone intimately and reflected that back onto myself. I didn’t ask myself, “What if I ended up without someone intimate for a few decades or forever?” No, instead I asked myself, “Will I choose to continue this path, denying myself intimate companionship?”

When I say intimate companionship, I don’t mean flings and casual sex. I mean long term relationship(s). Like Jon, I don’t need it. It’s just something that might be nice to have. My top priority is to secure the welfare of my family through the means limited to my psychology and will-power. Having someone in my life intimately will deter myself. Then again, now that I am talking about it so much, people may feel that I do need someone. On the contrary. I just never really talk about this with anyone, even to myself. I’m simply spilling my guts in one massive wave.

I can’t see myself doing the dating game. I used to spend countless hours and effort into finding the most rare things or creating the most sentimental and meaningful things. June and Fiona mind you were two of my past partners who were the most creative and most mature. Their actions equaled to mine. So even though Fiona did whatever she did in the end, what made it so hard about it all was because of her sentiment and consideration.

[sigh]

Check this out: my female friend told me about a fairy tale book she loved when she was in her toddler years – circa mid 1980’s. That book was out of print by early 80’s. She didn’t know the title to the book and only knew about one of the stories about some elves and cookies and a troll or something like that. It took me one year to find that book in near-mint condition. It didn’t cost me much, but I had to dig quite a bit, with countless hours and days of going through hundreds of books like that. When she got it, she was really happy. For myself, I got little in return. My ultimate goal was to give someone from her childhood back to her, which in turn made her really happy.

I thought, can I do something like that again for someone in the future? I probably can, but do I want to start another intimate relationship again? Not really.

Unlike some people, my choice in women isn’t dictated by physical attire in majority. I can fall in love with someone who isn’t as physically attractive as my preference as long as she has all the ‘right’ stuff in character and interests. Mind you, physical attire still does come in second place.

I prefer girls that resemble cats. 83

With that said, my idea of a perfect companion isn’t someone who is hot in terms of physical attire. Instead, it’s someone who is gorgeous as a whole. Being perfect incorporates all her flaws, all her insecurities, all her blemishes in life. Without them, she wouldn’t be perfect – she wouldn’t be human. [wink]

My partner will show me how to be human. She will be brave enough to open my eyes wider and she might even be perceptive enough to teach me that I don’t always have to look at things from around and from different sides – sometimes, it’s good enough to look at them at face value. She will complement my life, but she will also complete my emotional structures.

[ponders]

Right, enough about this. This is the only time I will ever say so much in one setting about stuff like this. So don’t expect me to come out so easily the next time.

12:11pm