Muses & Mishaps

Her Sweetness Just Right

There has been no day or night that I do not think of her. When I am at work, at home, out with my friends, out riding my bike, out hiking – I think of her.

There is one recent voice message she left for me that I have saved on my cell phone accidentally and heard it two nights ago. My heart skipped a beat when I heard her soft girly voice. If I could, I wanted to put my hands on either side of her face and give her lips a kiss.

I am constantly turned on by her, even though she is so far away. There was a night as I laid in bed last weekend, a hot night with the window opened and the fan blowing that I thought of her laying beside me, with her arm over me and her face resting on my shoulders. I imagined caressing her arms with my hand, sliding it from her shoulders to her elbows and back. I would place my hand on her face and rub my thumb gently on her cheeks, maybe she would bite me in the process.

I did fall in love with her and I will confess that I greatly miss her.

However, I knew it was ‘over’ when her uncertainties for us became even more apparent after her trip, facing her ‘troubles’ again, that I cannot do anything to help her at the moment. It was ‘over’ when she last called me three weeks ago and called me by my shortened name as we said our good nights to each other. It was her first time calling me by my shortened name.

The thing is, what I really want is not achievable at the moment and I ‘toil’ away every day ‘trying’ to fill my life up with things that can put my mind a bit more at rest, my body a bit more occupied, my emotions a bit more diluted.

We are still friends, she is still my ‘special’ friend with our ‘special’ page and ‘special’ moments, but as much effort as I can put into this ‘relationship’, it still lacks enough pull for us to work out. I just wished I had at least one kiss from her, one hug, one more time to hear her voice. Alas, it would probably be tough for me to let her go on those. She gave me perspective. She gave me heartache, but she also gave me some emotional love.

[sigh]

You’ll always have a place in my heart, even when the years have gone by. That video of chopsticks and a video letter will be up soon. I’m really busy and want to be less emotionally occupied before I put it up for you. Before this weekend. I love you.

2 thoughts on “Her Sweetness Just Right

  1. Too bad it didn’t work out. You spoke about her so much I thought you two would have gotten married eventually.

  2. Oops, I totally missed this comment! Sorry for the delayed response.

    Erica told me she made an effort to look for a job and a place here in Vancouver, but eventually, after awhile, the reality of her situation settled in more. Plus, really, I was still a bit ‘too young’. Perhaps if I had met her today, things would be a lot more different.

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)