Amber grew up in a broken family. Sister was abused, Amber was abused. Mom didn’t take her children’s childhood abuse seriously. Father killed himself many years later. Mom didn’t really take care of her until later, and even then, it was still a very broken relationship. Sister tries to do various things to ween herself up, but of course, trauma like that never heals. It can only be treated and worked through. It was by the sheer grace and will of her sister’s boyfriend, later husband, that rescued them from the throes of brokenness and even then, he’s not even treated like a king. He’s just the son-in-law and the husband that gets yelled at every now and then by his wife.
The biggest problem with Amber’s sister is that she’s the weakest link of the family and also the most judgmental. One time, I posted a pic of Amber having an intimate moment with me on Instagram. The first thing Jessica did was commented if that picture was necessary, which I responded in jest, that more will be coming. She told Amber that I was dead to her from that moment onward. Not only did she come onto my Instagram to harass me, but she just proved that she’s a judgmental prick. Furthering that, it had nothing to do with her. It was my photo on my Instagram account. Don’t like it? Jump off the bridge if it pleases you, but don’t do it in my backyard.
This spiralled out of control. Instead of coming to my defense, Amber disowned her entire family thinking they are all judgmental assholes, unfriended them on social media basically. I posted up another picture of Amber in varying facial poses with a medium-sized description describing Jessica. Her daughters, especially Larissa misread my post as something solely offensive towards her mother. Except she didn’t get the original context. So she removed me on Instagram, angry that I had made an offensive post about her mom. From then onward, Amber tried doing erotic softcore media for a few months, but I felt that she was doing it out of spite, rather than doing it because she really wanted it. So on and off, for a few months, this went on. Until she realized she couldn’t. After a disappointing bit, we decided to take the entire project down.
What further infuriated me was that Amber declared water under the bridge when Jessica told her she will come here to visit Amber. Amber got super excited and never once asked how I felt. She even had the gall to tell me ‘everything is okay now’.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Who decided that for me? I surely didn’t decide that for myself. To this day I am still upset at Amber for deciding that on her own. NO ONE decides things for me. Not my mom, not my friends, not Amber. Only I decide for me.
Now, the three major things that were particularly upsetting are…
- Amber cares greatly what her family thinks of her. She has repeatedly told me she doesn’t, but everything she does that is visually in-line-of-sight with her family, she shies away from. She literally would just not do it, if her family can judge her for it. On one hand, she will say how much she hates her family for XYZ, but on the other hand, she can’t be herself. She doesn’t realize this, but she literally represents the whole attitude of her family as a mascot, and that is a major turn off for me. I don’t represent my family. They represent themselves.
- When we first met, she was a different person than she is later on. When we first met, my perception of her was that she was her own woman, that she was a sex goddess, that she was very open minded, and no matter how broken she was, ultimately, she was the epitome of ‘the devil herself’. Her early persona inspired me. She made me feel like I had found ‘the one’. I don’t mind a broken person. I will do what it takes to help that broken person if she wants it. The only thing I mind and care about, is how honest they are and whether what they do will dishonour me. Gradually, as time went on, Amber unmasked herself and in the recent years, I realize she is the opposite of who she was. In short, she basically gaslighted me into believing she was a different person. This is not saying she and I can’t be together today. This is saying, I have to work with triple the amount of effort to make us work, because she went from sex goddess of Lucifer’s ilk, to peasant girl who is under the strain and chain of her family.
- Amber cares what society thinks of her. I don’t. Of course, we all do to some degree, but I specifically have next to no care for society. I only care enough so I can survive. Amber on the other hand, vent about society, but like every other normal person on the planet, she’s only doing it to vent the atrocities of mundane bullshit. At the end of the day, no matter how people say they prefer to be weird and unique, they are still normal socially-driven individuals. I am not. I am not socially-driven. When society says pointy-toed heeled shoes are in, I look at them and shrug. When society says apple cider gummies are in, I roll my eyes. When society says people should be ABC, I cock an eyebrow, and walk away. I am a vampire that feels alone in the world. Amber is a human that fantasizes about vampires, feeling lonely in the world.
I need someone who is exactly or close to what she says she is. I need an empress, a lover, a general, a friend by my side. I don’t need a peasant girl who fantasizes about being a queen. I need someone to rule the world with me, who isn’t afraid of the competition because no one can compete with her. I don’t need someone who vents about wanting to be rich and powerful, but see power, then run away from it.
I am far from perfect, but I don’t give a flying fuck what my family thinks of me. I mostly don’t care what society thinks of me. Society is a means to an end, but definitely not the end. To Amber, society is everything. To Amber, her born-into family is everything.
Basically, I am struggling daily because Amber prefers to live a normal life, since she grew up in an abnormally broken one. There is nothing wrong with that. However, she only wants a normal life. While she vents about tiring work, lame job experiences, passable income, no real lifestyle freedom, ultimately, her actions disprove what she says. Her actions constantly prove she rather live a life that sucks, than live a life that will give her power and freedom. I have lived a short period of my life with power, money, and freedom. So a normal life sucks. A life with power, wealth, and freedom is infinitely better. You can do anything, anywhere you want, at any time. With a normal life, you are at the whims of everyone else. So for me, it makes absolutely no sense why someone would choose to live so poorly and vent, than to take the reigns of power and just fucking be free.
Today, while Amber was giving me head, I took some very sexy, very classy photos of her legs, feet wearing high heels, in a pose that obviously looks like she’s giving me head without show her head and face. She warned that is definitely not something she wants me to post on Instagram. This was the exact photo, but way better quality, and much nicer looking, as the one I originally posted four years ago, which Jessica harassed me about. No nudity, no obscenity, just an intimate moment not revealing, just an expression of love. Yet, that is unacceptable, because society says it’s gross, because Jessica says it’s gross. Therefore, it’s not acceptable for Amber.
We got into a huge argument, because ultimately, she told me she can’t be the empress she fantasizes about. She thinks me referring to her as a peasant girl was an insult, but it wasn’t so. It was an analogy about ideology and attitude. I told her my mentality of love is about lifestyle, it’s about doing things as a couple. I would not shy away from most things if my partner desires me to do things with me, because my mindset is created around the idea that we can be a powerful union of anything. If she wants to see me nude and post up pictures of me as thus, sure! Let’s do it! So long as it pleases her and excites her! If she wants me to fuck another woman, while she pegs me, alright! Let’s go! If she wants to post up videos of me eating her pussy out, awesome! Let me have that buffet! Unfortunately, Amber’s mentality is about what benefits her and everyone else is a byproduct of what she deems convenient. She is always selfish because trauma has made her super protective of what little she has. Ironically, I’m a part of what little she has, but she treats me as an outsider she sleeps with.
Eventually, somehow, we managed to get to the absolute focal point of why she is the way she is after she asked herself, “How did I become like this?”
I responded without rage but with major irritation, paraphrased, “Somehow, no matter the amount of effort I put into your well being, at the end of the day, somehow, you believe you owe your entire life to your family, the same one that abandoned you, judged you, laughed at you, didn’t take you seriously, and barely did anything for you. My parents and myself have done more for you in the 12 years you’ve been with, than the entirety of your life with your mom, sister, and relatives, but what do we get in return? Absolute obedience to the people that has brought you nothing but harm. Somehow, you’re so entrenched into absolutely needing the love and warmth from abusive people, than to be grateful for those who actually took action to help you.”
In short, she has become this non-exhibitionist because of her reunion with her family. She retorted, “Then you shouldn’t have tried reuniting me with my family.”
I responded, “How the fuck would I know they would influence you the way they have?! Every broken woman and man I’ve met in the entirety of my life so far, except you, have been the exact opposite. They reunited with their broken families, but became powerhouse individuals on their own, doing their own thing, becoming the people they want to become, often times breaking off further communications with those family members they tried reuniting with.”
I didn’t know Amber would become a slave to her family’s judgmental influence. I didn’t know that Amber would go from sexually hungry hot goth-like busty demonic girl to socially-driven normal girl who occasionally bites. I still see glimpses of who Amber used to be, but it’s so frustrating and disheartening that it’s possible she just will keep rejecting me until she is only a shell of what she was. She was glorious and beautiful. She was super sexy, super hot, and a fucking demon empress. Now, she’s just some woman who thinks society is right, her sister is right, and she needs to shy herself from being divine.
If she’s my queen, then everything else she wants from me is easy to do. The problem is that she requires me to do all of the above plus more, treat her like a queen, and treat all that as what the package I am blessed with. The problem is, I don’t feel like a king. Never have. She puts a crown of newspaper shavings and willow tree vines on my head. She gives me a sceptre made from twigs. She gives me a rotting couch. Pushes me down on it, sits on my lap, and calls me ‘king’, but treat me like I’m in last place. I am in last place after herself, her nieces, her mom, her sister, her family, her job, her perception of society, her surroundings, and her friends. I am literally last place. It seems the only things she really does for me, is a byproduct of convenience and what she perceives as basic responsibility. Where as, I made a vow, and I intend to keep it. I am ‘simple’ in the sense, she is my life, so that’s all there is to it. Unfortunately, it’s not the same in reverse. To her, I am a pawn on her chessboard. Her sister is a bishop, her mom is the rook, her nieces are the knights, and society is the king, while she’s the queen. I am all of the pawns to be used accordingly. First to fight, first to go. What has her sister done for Amber, that Amber owe her love and life to her, yet give me so little?