It’s 1:10pm, 2024, September on a Tuesday. Today is the 10th.
So I have a decision to make. I vowed to make Amber a star when we got married. There is a lot of resistance on her part, since after achieving her life here, she desired more a very normal, very mundane, very regular life. As I mentioned in the Anneversary entry, we fight for one reason, and that is her constancy in making a promise, then breaking it. There is a 100% failure rate to her promises. There is a wrong here, and that is she and I are at an impasse. My character dictates a defender and a fighter’s attitude. This is something ingrained into my psyche since I was a little boy because I always had to fend for myself. Very rarely, did people stood up for me. They either stood aside, in the background, or avoided the conflict to protect their own interest. In the times that people did protect me, it was literally just three times. Emotional scars are forever.
Amber on the other hand falters the moment she is met with any feeling of discomfort. Like a 2 year old kid that cries when she gets a haircut, even if we snip only a centimetre off the tips, or getting her head washed, even if gently using hand-held lukewarm water splashing none on her forehead and eyes. I challenge myself all of the time. I also challenge others. For Amber, I challenge her a little. If I put a numerical value on how tough I am with other people, it is about a 6.5-8/10. With Amber, it’s about a 1.5-3/10 in the recent months. The reason why it has gotten so low, is because I’ve been using everything I can imagine to try to change up how I encourage her to do things on her own with some guidance, inspire her with the stories of other people, give her perspective to help her realize her own potential, and build her an environment in which she can thrive. The problem is that her mind squanders all of these things, then pushes back by doing the opposite. She does so, because most of her life, as she was being abused by her father, and ridiculed by the rest of her family for taking things ‘too seriously’, she felt that no one ever truly loved her and as a byproduct of that, no one really protected her out of the goodness of their own heart.
It is one thing to know her story, but a different thing for me to go against my lifelong principles. They aren’t principles that I just chose over time. They are principles that make up the mechanics of who I am. They activate when my consciousness fails to express what my heart wants. They are the ‘army’ that protects my castle. Thus, protecting me.
I gave Amber an analogy, a metaphor of what I represent in her life. I am her last line of defense. The person that is her ‘general’ and also her ‘army’ that makes sure no invaders can break her, while she is trying to break free from herself. While she tries to break free of herself, she hurts everyone around her. At least, those that love her. So when I show up in my robes, elegant, intelligent, full of wisdom, I mean to seek her out as my partner in calmness and as equals. However, the moment she feels a slight sting of my touch, even if subtle, she feels I am enforcing my laws upon her. As such, she feels I am trying to belittle who she is, as she is now. She screamed out yesterday, during our fight, “You said you love me, but you can’t even accept who I am, as I am!”
In my heartbreak and grief, my voice was half-suppressed by having squeezed the last volumes of air our of my lungs, but I still managed to say, “As you are is rot, cursed by your past! How am I to love you as you are, when you falter the moment I try?!” I don’t think she actually heard what I said here, because she just repeated what she said. So I continued, but this time with a booming voice, “The only one fighting for you, is me! You’re not even trying to fight for yourself! You’re not even trying to fight for us! Every time you feel challenged, whether that be for the good, or for the bad, you deflect! You blame me for trying! I made a promise to you that I will make you a star, when you cried all those years ago how broken your life was. So I am here for the last 11 years of our lives, fighting for you!”
Our fight, like the last big one we had, ended the way it always ended, but the result of what was said and expressed has left a slightly different perspective in me this time. Yesterday night, before I went to bed, in anger, I told Amber through Whatsapp, I will not attend the party of our mutual friends, but soon after, I deleted all of the comments. Instead, I told her in the morning a partial lie. The lie was that I left a bunch of posts speaking about trust. The not-lie, is that I intended to tell her the blurb about trust regardless.
During our fight yesterday, I said and later forgot, which I remembered again this morning, was as thus, “Trust cannot be built from words alone. Trust can only be built through actions.”
For context, Amber has a hard time putting her trust in anyone, because her family has failed in protecting her growing up. On top of that, they ridiculed her when she was taking things seriously, because all of her life, no one took her plight seriously. So there is a lot of resentment towards her family, especially with her mom. So in the past, whenever we got into a fight, she always told me she simply doesn’t trust me, which hurts because she has done nothing but oppose my every move and do everything counter to what we both agreed on. However, her mistrust of me is not based on actions of bad faith. Her mistrust of me is based on how untrustworthy her family had been. I am a bystander getting shot over and over again for something other people are guilty of.
There is a large part of me that doesn’t want to do ‘this’ because I am dignified, I made a vow, a promise, I’m a fighter, a defender, I have a strong set of principles, I am a stubborn ruler, general, soldier who has seen and experienced so much pain. They make up the function of who I am as a person, and how I achieve things as a function. However, the much smaller part of me is now shouting through a megaphone the size of Mount Fuji, demanding a serious audience with me. This much smaller, usually nearly irrelevant part of me are the civil servants, the scholars, the mentors, teachers, coaches, and apprentices. Basically, they make up the flow of the heart and the connection with humanity. As further context, I hate humanity because it is a stain of life, a curse of Earth, a self righteous virus. So it’s irrelevant because why should I listen to them when they are maintain the connection with society and humans? Alas, no matter how much my dark heart and my cold logical brain brushes them away, I am now listening.
My promises should be broken when it’s obvious kindness is what is needed to fulfill the greater goal of the well being of Amber. I made a promise to make her a star. So yesterday, my intention was to find a different way to make her a star. I want her to be the Queen of the Damned, but she no longer sees herself in that role, nor attitude, and hasn’t for a long time, regardless of what happened in 2021. What happened in 2021 was more about trial and error, rather than ascension and regression. Instead of looking at 2021 as a queen-in-the-making, look at 2021 as what she can be as my private slut. She’s willing. However, she is only willing if I am able to let go for making her a star the way she asked me to in 2010 and 2011. She can be my sun and water, if I truly take all of her into well being, rather than stubbornly push her to do the things that she will constantly be struggling to do, including the things I suggested yesterday, even if they help spark a creativity hidden. Amber is still willing to do all of ‘that’, but she only primarily wants to do them for me, and perhaps others she may eventually trust in. So put away those specific vows, and those specific promises and make her my private slut, my wife-concubine. This will make her infinitely happier and this is something she can definitely do. Kindness is about letting go and doing things for the sake of achieving happiness, rather than sticking with promises that keeps getting broken, and for what? Better to achieve a well rounded amount of happiness with the greater potential to have a loving wife, than a type of happiness that takes a lot of penetration against resistance for the possibility of greatness.
So it has been decreed, that I will break my initial promises to make Amber a star. Instead, I will fulfill her overall well being as her partner, on the notion that she can certainly be a much happier, much more loving, and protective wife. I will speak with her when she comes home from work.
However, this does not discount the smaller things that challenge her personal fears such as swimming better, driving more, being able to do more on her own, etc. It means that I will work with her on the things she wants to work on, rather than on the things that will make her a star one day. I feel the military arms of my psyche psychotically screaming in rage as I typed all of this out so far. Hey, I must do something about all of this to break this repeating cycle of failure and regression.