Flickered Light

Lisa V was my almost-sweetheart during my teenage years. I was 16 or 17 in grade 11, and she was 15 or 16 in grade 10. We shared a class that year. Early in the school term, a classmate tapped my shoulder and handed me a note. At first, I braced myself for a prank, imagining chewed gum or, worse, something gross inside. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised – it was from a girl sitting just a column of desks away.

^ As you can see, like most people, she spelled my name wrong.

From September 1995 to June 1996, my relationship with her was chaotic. I was too young and immature to navigate the attention of a girl who genuinely wanted me. Unable to return her affection, she interpreted my indifference as intentional cruelty, ignoring how much she tested me along the way. For instance, in response to my detachment, she would flirt openly with random guys and loudly announce how much better they were than me. My lack of reaction only frustrated her further. The following year, she transferred from Cambie School to John Oliver in Vancouver.

I posted an answer on Quora back in 2018 about Lisa V here: If a girl likes you, how will she try and make you jealous?.

From 2001 to 2007, Lisa V and I loosely stayed in touch. One night in 2001 or 2002, she called me in a panic. Her boyfriend at the time, who had gotten her pregnant, had mistreated her, and she feared for her safety. Acting quickly, I reached out to my friend Albert, who lived nearby, to help. Despite it being around 1 a.m., Albert didn’t hesitate. We drove to Cloverdale in east Surrey to pick her up. She stood on the sidewalk, visibly pregnant, holding a baby carrier for her firstborn, a large bag of baby items, and a backpack. While Albert loaded her belongings, I helped her into the car and reassured her to rest. We then drove her to her parents’ home in Vancouver. By the time Albert dropped me off, it was past 3 a.m. Albert, who had been studying for an exam at UBC, proved to be a true friend that night—he didn’t even question my request for help.

In mid-2007, Lisa V and I met up at the Cambie Community Centre. We chatted for about 40 minutes, during which she asked if I’d be interested in meeting her Caucasian cousin, Marie. Lisa, being Vietnamese, made a point of mentioning this detail. I had only spoken to Marie on the phone and found the suggestion suspicious. Lisa persisted, teasing me with questions about whether I’d date her cousin. Finally, she directly asked, “Would you be interested in Vietnamese girls?”

I replied dryly, “Does she have kids?”

Lisa, who had two kids of her own, laughed, blushed, and replied, “Maybe.”

The conversation turned reflective, and she asked why she struggled to attract men who wanted her for more than just sex. After a pause, I bluntly replied, “Because you’re boring, and the only thing you offer is sex. What else do you have?”

Though uncomfortable, she laughed nervously and playfully slapped my shoulder – a habit she’s had since high school. Softening my tone, I added, “What you really want is to be loved and respected. To get there, you need to build yourself up first instead of looking for others to fill a void.”

She seemed to ponder this deeply as we left. I knew my words had struck a chord, though I also sensed her fear of loneliness and the possibility of never finding love.

In October 2007, I treated her to dinner at Tokyo Ichiban. On the way back, as we sat in her car parked outside my house, I did something uncharacteristic – I leaned over and kissed her gently on the face. She looked surprised and asked, “What was that?! I thought…” I interrupted with an apology, but she reassured me, “No, Leeman, I didn’t mean it was bad. You just never kiss me.”

Annoyed, I reminded her, “We’ve kissed before – back in high school. Maybe not made out, but we’ve kissed on the face and I’ve kissed your hand.” Lisa, with her selective memory, insisted she didn’t recall, only to second-guess herself moments later. She slapped my shoulder again, a gesture I found increasingly irritating.

As I was about to leave, she stopped me and asked, “Will I see you again?” Something about the moment felt final. My heart raced, and I impulsively leaned in, kissed the corner of her mouth, and whispered, “Let’s have sex.”

Her giggled rejection surprised me, but I shrugged it off, said goodnight, and left.

The next night, Lisa called me late. Marie was at her place, and together, they suggested a threesome. Lisa said, “You were right, Leeman. We only live once. Let’s do it.”

Despite their enthusiasm, I declined – not because I wasn’t tempted, but because I couldn’t stop imagining the noise carrying through the walls of my home, where my parents would undoubtedly hear. Lisa wasn’t exactly subtle in her younger years, and I couldn’t imagine two women being any quieter.

In hindsight, I learned they were frustrated with my refusal, but nothing ever came of it.

[sigh]

After that, I didn’t hear from Lisa V for a long time. Between 2007 and 2009, she seemed to embrace a wilder lifestyle, reportedly having casual encounters with many different men. She lost a significant amount of weight, changed her style, and transformed from a typical darkly-dressed Asian girl into a strikingly sexual, stringy-dressed woman exuding feminine allure.

In 2010, I came across some of her stunning photos on Facebook and decided to reconnect. However, she seemed distant and uninterested, so after exchanging just three brief messages, I stopped reaching out.

Fast forward to February 2021 – I noticed her online status on Facebook Messenger. It struck me as odd since her profile had been removed, but I decided to take a chance and message her. To my surprise, she replied within minutes. Our conversation quickly moved to WhatsApp and voice calls.

Now, I need to explain the mindset behind my actions after reconnecting with Lisa V in 2021.

By then, over a decade had passed since I last saw her in 2010, when she appeared to have embraced her identity as a confident and sexually empowered woman. It had been 14 years since we last spoke, back when she was still the immature and somewhat annoying girl I remembered from high school. And it had been 25 years since our chaotic pseudo-intimate relationship as teenagers.

In 2021, I believed that after two decades of life experiences, Lisa V must have evolved into a fascinating individual with stories to share and a depth of character born from her struggles and adventures. I imagined she had blossomed into someone with a dynamic personality, maturity, and charm.

At the time, I was in a non-monogamous relationship with Amber, which gave me the freedom to reconnect with Lisa V mentally, emotionally, and perhaps intimately. I thought it would be incredible if we could finally become true friends with benefits—two mature, open-minded adults with a shared history.

After a couple of weeks of conversation to gauge how she’d changed, I eventually asked her to be my friend with benefits. She turned me down for two reasons.

• The first was that I had hurt her in the past.
• The second was that I am married.

Both of these reasons mind boggled me.

Firstly, in 1995 to 1996, I was 16-17 and Lisa V was 15-16. I was an insecure teenager back then, where my peers made fun of me and often tried to bully me without success. The only thing I did to hurt her, was not accept her as my girlfriend. She even offered me a blowjob when we were teens, and I rejected her offer. I didn’t even engage her intimately, nor sexually. I never spread rumours about her, and never said bad things about her to other people. On the other hand, she played games with me, trying to get me jealous, and when I had no reaction, she started spreading rumours about me.

Secondly, despite my explanation that I was in a non-monogamous relationship, Lisa V struggled to accept that I wanted a sexual relationship with her. She repeatedly insisted, “But you’re married.” I found this confusing, especially since she had recently shared a story about sleeping with a man who already had a girlfriend. However, he was cheating on her, whereas I was not cheating on Amber. It seemed to me that Lisa V preferred being with someone who was already involved with someone else, perhaps hoping he would leave his girlfriend for her, rather than engage in a mature, intimate relationship with someone who was available. She later confessed that she didn’t like the idea of sharing me with anyone.

I mentioned this to a friend, who suggested that Lisa V might place me on a different pedestal than other men. However, in a separate conversation with Amber, she pointed out that Lisa V likely had a naive view of a potential relationship with me and didn’t want to share me with anyone. Amber laughed and added, “It’s funny that she thinks she would be sharing you with me. She doesn’t realize I’m the one sharing my husband. She’s just a side chick.” Amber also remarked, “Lisa V doesn’t mind being with a guy who’s cheating on his girlfriend because, in her twisted perspective, she sees herself as being in ‘first place.’ The guy chooses to be with her, which makes her feel prioritized. But with you, if she were to be involved, she would no longer be the priority—just someone you occasionally sleep with. She would be in second place.”

^ She sent me this back in April 2021, after I told her I would not mind continuing a friendship with her, after she rejected my FWB proposition. Of course, what she said here was a blatant lie. She still maintained a sexual relationship with at least one other person and seem to be sleeping around with another. So “new me” my ass!

I asked Lisa V to be my friend with benefits because she had once shared that a guy had wanted the same with her, but after one encounter, he never made an effort to see her again. I, being available and interested in a similar arrangement, thought she might still be open to it. So when she rejected me, I was confused – she kept seeking attention from men who ignored her, yet when I, someone who was available and had a history with her, offered a similar connection, she turned me down.

It was then that I realized Lisa V hadn’t changed. At 41, she showed no growth in character or emotional maturity. The only difference was more experience, but her core had remained the same since she was a teenager.

To further solidify my perspective, we reconnected on Tinder by chance. Her profile was empty, save for two sexy pictures – one from over ten years ago. She had once complained about only attracting men interested in sex, and I had bluntly told her that she had nothing else to offer and was boring. In our Tinder conversation, she mentioned wanting a real relationship but not knowing how to attract the right person. I was stunned and pointed out the obvious: her profile was a poor representation of who she claimed to want.

I spent an hour trying to help her understand why she wasn’t attracting the right men. Her profile showcased only pictures, one old and revealing, the other with a lot of make-up. I advised her to create a more genuine profile. When I asked about her hobbies, they were the same as when she was a teenager – shopping and watching TV, neither of which could be considered true hobbies. These were just activities done out of boredom.

Lisa V approaches people and relationships in a completely backward way. Lacking hobbies of her own, she seeks out men with the idea that she needs to get to know them first to discover what interests her. I was stunned when she mentioned wanting “someone who is caring, honest, and makes me laugh.” These are basic qualities expected in any healthy relationship – like saying you want someone who is human and alive!

When considering what she wants in a partner, it should be common sense that a man’s interests should complement hers, not the other way around, where she blindly enters relationships, discovering things only after the fact. It should NOT be:

• I don’t know what I like in men.
• Men have to tell me what they like first.
• Then I will decide whether they are interesting or not.

Those things are totally backwards!!!

Instead, it SHOULD be:

• I love XYZ things.
• My hobbies are XYZ things.
• I enjoy doing some of those XYZ things with other people.
• I like men who do ABC things based on my own hobbies.

Dating is meant to help you discover what you want in a partner. It’s about spending time together, getting to know each other, and exploring compatibility. I’m truly puzzled by how Lisa V approaches dating, as it seems she misses this fundamental process in her initial interactions with men.

[long sigh]

We finally met up after she had flaked before. I treated her to delivered sushi, and we had a pleasant conversation, catching up on a lot. Despite the years, she was still the same Lisa V—older and more experienced, but still engaging. I enjoyed her company; though a bit annoying at times, it wasn’t entirely negative. For a brief moment, it felt like we were simply two adults reconnecting. However, once she returned to Whatsapp, her cryptic and elusive messages became frustrating. In hindsight, I was relieved she rejected my FWB proposition; it would have only brought more drama and confusion.

^ She was telling about how her current fuck buddy wasn’t answering her messages. She then asked me to fuck her. I considered it for a split moment, but decided to ignore it.

Over the next few months, our communication dwindled until we stopped speaking entirely by September 2021. Prior to that, Lisa V shared an incident about a friend with benefits who had stopped responding to her. After her long-term boyfriend passed away, she reconnected with her FWB from five years ago. They had sex a few times, and she developed feelings for him. When she expressed this, he began ghosting her, saying he needed time to sort things out. Rather than respecting his wishes, she reached out using a different number. When he asked who she was, she claimed to be “John,” her son’s name, suggesting it might be his girlfriend who was asking her via text. After some back and forth, Lisa V revealed it was her, which angered her FWB, and he blocked her.

A friend once mentioned that people don’t fully mature until their mid to late twenties when their frontal lobes are still developing, and trauma can cause individuals to remain stuck at the time it occurred. Reflecting on this, I saw how it applied to Lisa V, and it all clicked. However, while it made sense, it didn’t excuse her behaviour or decisions as an adult. I’m not saying she should have known better, but I do believe she should have recognized her repeated patterns from the start, even as early as our twenties. Acknowledging her faults would have allowed her to begin working on herself, perhaps with therapy, or at least by surrounding herself with better influences. Lisa herself admitted that her friends offer her terrible advice and don’t truly listen to her.

For example, when a guy she slept with in 2021 told her he wanted a friends-with-benefits relationship, then ghosted her after they had sex, one of her friends told her, “At least he’s trying,” simply because he still occasionally responded, giving Lisa V the run around. This is not trying; it’s the opposite of trying!

It seems Lisa V’s baseline for what constitutes a decent man is dictated by the minimal expectations set by her friends. In contrast, when Amber praises my good behaviour, I remind her that my conduct should be the default baseline, something that should be expected from anyone. It’s about holding people to a standard of respect and decency.

I had hoped she had grown into a more mature, refined version of the person I once knew. I wanted to reconnect with the evolved adult version of Lisa V, to share laughter and intimacy, and be someone she could rely on emotionally. Unfortunately, it seems that will never happen, and she will remain trapped in the trauma of her childhood – instigated by an emotionally and physically abusive mother, followed by a slew of controlling boyfriends, and men who used her for sexual gratification. I don’t fault Lisa V for what she still is. It’s just that I am disappointed that we couldn’t reconnect as dynamically mature adults.

At the very least, I hope she eventually finds peace and acceptance in whatever she pursues.