Flickered Light

Lisa was my teen almost-sweetheart. I was 16-17 in grade 11 and she was 15-16 in grade 10. We both attended the same class. One day during the first two weeks of school, a classmate tapped my shoulder and handed me a note. For a moment, I thought someone played a prank on me with something nasty in the folded paper like chewed gum or worst, loogie. Alas, I got a lovely surprise from a girl the next column of desks over.

^ As you can see, like most people, she spelled my name wrong.

To summarize the 9-ish months from September 1995 to June 1996, my relationship with her was all over the place. I was too young and immature to deal with a girl who wanted me. When I couldn’t reciprocate affection back to her, she translated that into me deliberately trying to hurt her, conveniently disregarding the fact she did everything she could to test me in the process. For example, because of my outward indifference, she would grab some random guy, flirt with him like crazy, then loudly proclaim how much better he was than me. I ignored her which frustrated her even more. Eventually, she left Cambie school for John Oliver in Vancouver the next year.

I posted an answer on Quora back in 2018 about Lisa here: “If a girl likes you, how will she try and make you jealous?“.

We continued to loosely keep in touch from 2001 to 2007, where in 2001 or 2002, Lisa called me one night in a state of panic that her boyfriend at the time who impregnated her, had mistreated her and she was in fear for her life. So in haste, I reached out to my friend Albert who lived a block from me in Richmond to go rescue her. It was around 1am by the time we picked her up from near Cloverdale in east Surrey. She was standing at the sidewalk with a pregnant belly, a baby carrier basket for her first born, a large bag of baby stuff, and a backpack. While Albert loaded her stuff up, I helped her into the backseat, then told her not to think too much and get some rest. After that, we drove to her parents’ place in Vancouver. By the time Albert took me home, it was just after 3am. Albert had an exam a few hours later at UBC. He was studying when I called him. Albert was truly a great friend and brother. He didn’t even ask me any questions when he helped me rescue her.

Anyway, that experience didn’t do anything for Lisa. It didn’t temper her wits, nor expand her mental horizons. She continued to stay the exact same way throughout those years we still spoke. In the majority of our phone conversations from 2001 to 2007, Lisa called because she repeatedly fell in love for men who used her for sex. One night stands, short term flings, no-strings attached sex, and guys who wanted her to be a friend with benefits without the friend part. She called me because she needed to vent her feelings to me and asked questions like “Why don’t they love me back after all I’ve done for them?!” and “If they don’t want to see me again, why don’t they just tell me?!” This might not seem too apparent for my readers, but ultimately, even though Lisa asked many variations of these questions, it all came down to one thing: “Why doesn’t anyone love me?”. What she was really doing was a cry for help. A cry for love. This stemmed from the mistreatment she had as a teenager by her abusive mother – something I wasn’t fully aware of until recently. As a child, her parents should be the first ones to love and protect her. Instead, her mother abandoned Lisa with unfounded accusations and abuse that has ingrained into Lisa’s very own existence to this day. In short, Lisa has been running on her hamster wheel of despair chasing a nibble of elusive love since she was a child. She’ll take whatever she can get, voiding herself from any personal accountability on the notion that finding love trumps everything else.

You see, Lisa has become a black hole of loveless despair. She seeks sex from men, because that’s the most she can get out of men she wants. It’s as close to love and adoration she can get. When men are fucking her, that’s a display of lust and desire. It gives Lisa a sense of closeness and being wanted. Lisa giving consent to the men she is attracted to, gives her the illusion of power. It gives her the idea that she is not totally at loss here, that she does have ‘ability’ and is attractive enough to be wanted. That men do actually want her, regardless what happens afterwards. What she really wants is to be loved, to be cherished, to be adored, and showered with attention. When you tend to her day-to-day repetitions, you will notice her entire life’s existence is about getting men, but in that single minded focus, she forfeits everything else. She forfeits her self worth. She is a shallow person who works out at the gym solely to attract men’s attention and not because she wants to become healthy for herself. She doesn’t have any meaningful hobbies except watch television and shopping. She doesn’t read books, she rarely reads/watches the news, she doesn’t do anything except the bare minimum to keep herself relatively sane. In short, she is a boring person and that shallow personality eventually shows, especially after the fucking is done. Men don’t want to be with her for anything other than sex, because that’s all she has going for her. She’s a barely interactive sex doll, and it’s all free so to speak.

One may read my paragraph above like I am hammering down on her, but actually, this is the excess of stress that I couldn’t keep in much longer. Unlike all of the men in her life, I have been the one who was honest with her from the get-go. I was the one who rescued her from an abusive boyfriend. I was the one who tried my best to give her advice in hopes she can see her own faults, to improve her attitude in life. I was the one who stayed until she decided to do something for herself, even if her choice ended up with men that used her.

Before we stopped speaking with each other near the end of 2007, Lisa and I met up at the Cambie community centre, where she asked me why she doesn’t attract men who want her for her and not just for sex. I remember blankly staring at her for a bit, then answered, “Because you’re boring and the only thing you can give is sex. What else do you have to offer?” To give you context to this, the following is an excerpt of a blog post I published back in January 2007:

So I met up with Lisa at the Cambie Community Centre for the first time since 1999. We hung out there, talked about stuff for about 40 minutes when she asked me if I would be interested in meeting her Caucasian cousin Marie. I said “Caucasian” because Lisa is Vietnamese.

I didn’t have much of an opinion about Marie, since I have only spoken with her on the phone and never met her in person. Lisa told me I should consider her cousin, since her cousin thinks I’m cute. I raised my eyebrow and thought it was too suspicious. She continued by asking me if I would be interested in dating her and of course, I just stared at her with a subtle smirk, because Lisa tends to go around in circles before getting to the point. She continued with her usual pestering of the “whys” and “why nots”. So I finally asked, “You really want me to meet Marie? What purpose would that serve you?”

After she went around in circles testing the waters of how I might respond, she finally outright asked, “Would you be interested in Vietnamese girls?” Which I replied, “Does she have kids?”

You see, Lisa has two kids, is a year younger than me, and is Vietnamese…

She laughed and blushed and replied, “Maybe.”

[sigh]

I didn’t want to date her. I didn’t want to date anyone. I would have preferred to have Lisa as my friend with benefits, but even then, I was not eager to make that proposition because I was not eager to invite the same headaches I’ve had as her friend who listened to her cry, rant, scream about all of her failed attempts at getting properly loved by her flings and fuck buddies.

I saw Lisa again in October of 2007, when I treated her to dinner at Tokyo Ichiban. On the way back to my house, she parked in front of the gate briefly. Something came over me very suddenly, which was completely out of my character. I reached over and kissed her face gently. She suddenly looked super surprised and rhetorically asked, “What was that?! I thought…” I cut her off and apologized. Lisa continued, “No Leeman, I didn’t mean it was bad or anything. You just never kiss me.”

That annoyed me a bit and I responded, “Actually we have kissed before. Back in high school. We never made out, but we’ve kissed, usually on each others’ faces and I’ve kissed your hand before.” Lisa has selective memory and tend to remember only the negative things. She then proceeded in an annoying manner, “Are you sure?! I don’t remember any of that. Wait, maybe. I don’t know!”

I rolled my eyes, and she slapped my shoulder again. My goth, that’s annoying. As I was about to leave her car, she suddenly stopped me and said, “Will I see you again?” It’s odd she asked that, because it actually felt like this was our last time seeing and speaking with each other. So very suddenly, my heart beat went up a notch and I reached over again and kissed the corner of her mouth. She closed her eyes and I whispered, “Let’s have sex.”

I guess I took her by surprise, because she rejected me right then and there with uncomfortable giggles. I shrugged and said good night before leaving her car.

The night after that, Lisa called me really late at night. Marie was at her house and they both wanted a threesome with me. In Lisa’s exact words, “You were right Leeman. We only live once. Let’s do it.”

Well, I declined. Not because I didn’t want to fuck two horny girls who actually wanted me, but because I couldn’t get it out of my head how we will sound in my bedroom that is next to the living room where my parents were watching television at a quiet volume. I’ve heard Lisa moan before when she was a teenager. She’s not subtle. So I imagined that two horny girls fucking me would probably not be quiet. I foolishly declined their offer. I found out years later, that they were frustrated with me, but didn’t do anything about it afterward.

[sigh]

So that was that. I never heard from Lisa for a long time after that. Apparently, from 2007 to about 2009, she had a lot of wild sex with many different men. She lost a lot of weight, and changed the way she dolled herself up. Basically, she went from run-of-the-mill darkly-dressed Asian, to super-sexed-up stringy-dressed Asian who permeates sexual feminine energy. Sometime in 2010, I saw a few very sexy pictures of her on Facebook and tried reconnecting with her, but she was aloof and uninterested. So I stopped contacting her after three short messages.

Then in February 2021, I saw her online status on Facebook Messenger. I thought it weird that she’s online, but her profile was removed. So taking a chance, I messaged her. She responded within a few minutes. After a bit of that, we took our conversations to Whatsapp and voice calls. Now I need to bring a point of understanding in why I did what I did after reconnecting with Lisa in 2021.

By 2021, it had been a bit over 10 years since I briefly saw her become a strong sexual female who I had thought, had finally took control of her own life. It had been 14 years since we last spoken, where she was still that immature annoying girl who didn’t really grow up since her teenage years. It had been 25 years since our messed-up pseudo intimate relationship when we were both teenagers in high school. So by 2021, I thought after going through two decades of life’s experiences, Lisa must have evolved into someone who has a lot of stories to tell, and an evolved personality to be admired for, a dynamically mature individual who I can reconnect with. I thought she must have blossomed into a glorious person with many interests, after having gone through the hardships she’s had, and the sex she has experienced.

In 2021, I have become a sex positive person, with a very open mind, and dynamically mature in how I deal with life. Since I was also in a non-monogamous relationship with Amber, I could use the opportunity to reconnect with Lisa mentally, emotionally, and intimately. I truly thought how amazing it could be, if we could finally be true friends with benefits together. Two mature sexually open minded adults with a history from a long time ago was a lovely thought.

So, after some back and forth to get a feel how she has become, I asked Lisa to be my friend with benefits about two weeks later. She rejected me on two notions.

• The first was that I had hurt her in the past.
• The second was that I am married.

Both of these reasons mind boggled me.

Firstly, in 1995 to 1996, I was 16-17 and Lisa was 15-16. How did I hurt her? I had hurt her unintentionally by not reciprocating her desires and love for me. At 16-17, I was going through heavy depression while trying to figure myself out. Lisa didn’t help matters when she tried to test me, by intentionally saying things for the sake of trying to hurt me emotionally to try to get a jealous reaction from me, which I never did. I never tried to hurt Lisa. Me hurting her was an accident, a byproduct of me being emotionally disconnected while dealing with my own issues. Her hurting me was not an accident. She tried to hurt me by obnoxiously and loudly say how she prefers XYZ boys over other boys like me. So when she rejected me 25 years later on the notion I had hurt her, I almost laughed out loud.

Secondly, even though I told her I am in a non-monogamous relationship, Lisa couldn’t accept the fact I wanted a sexual relationship with her and couldn’t stop repeating, “But you’re married.” I was confused, because she told me a story of a recent experience, where she was sleeping with a guy who already has a girlfriend. Except, that guy was cheating on his girlfriend. I wasn’t cheating on Amber.

I mentioned this to one of my other friends and she said that perhaps Lisa puts me on a different pedestal than the rest of the guys. However, in a separate conversation with Amber, she told me that it’s more likely that Lisa just has a naive view on the possibility of having a meaningful loving relationship with me, but obviously doesn’t want to share me with anyone. Amber laughed when she said that, because she also said, “It’s funny she thinks she would be sharing you with me. It hasn’t occurred to her that *I* am the one sharing my husband. She’s just a side chick.” Amber also mentioned, “Lisa doesn’t mind being with a guy whose cheating on his girlfriend to be with her, because in her twisted mentality, she is considered to be in ‘first place’. The guy chose to sleep with Lisa, which makes Lisa a priority. If she ends up with you, she would no longer be a priority, but someone you occasionally have sex with. She would be in second place.”

^ She sent me this back in April 2021, after I told her I would not mind continuing a friendship with her, after she rejected my FWB proposition. Of course, what she said here was a blatant lie. She still maintained a sexual relationship with at least one other person and seem to be sleeping around with another. So “new me” my ass!

The reason I even asked Lisa to be my friend with benefits, was that she previously told me a guy had wanted a friend with benefits relationship with her. Yet, after he slept with her once, he made no effort to see her again. Since I was available and wanted a friend with benefits, unknowing that Lisa hadn’t changed all that much at the time, I propositioned Lisa on the notion she’s still up for having a friend with benefits. So when she rejected me, I was confused as to her reasons, because these other guys keep hurting and ignoring her, but she continue to want their attention. Yet, I am completely available and actually have a history with her, that want to be friends with her, but she rejects me anyway.

So it was at this point that it dawned on me that Lisa hadn’t at all changed since she was a teenager. There was absolutely no growth in character and no evolution of her emotional maturity. Very disappointingly at 41, she was still the exact same as she was when she was 15-16. The only main difference is that she’s had more experience under her belt, but nothing else.

To further prove my thought process here, we actually connected on Tinder by sheer luck. As a ‘just for laughs’, we ‘Liked’ each other on there. Upon visiting her profile again, I realized her profile was blank and she uploaded two of the sexiest pictures she had of herself, one of which was an old one from over ten years ago. Earlier, I mentioned that Lisa had asked why she only attracted men that only want her for sex, in which I responded that she has nothing else going for her and she is a boring person. In a conversation that ensued after connecting with her on Tinder, Lisa mentioned she really wants to find someone who wants a proper relationship with her, but doesn’t know how. I was flabbergasted by this, because I pointed out the obvious.

I tried reasoning with her, “Your Tinder profile literally has nothing on it, except two pictures of you. One is a picture of you from over ten years ago showing cleavage, and the other, a more recent picture where you’re wearing a crap load of make-up. You seriously don’t know how to get into a proper relationship?! Perhaps you should start putting up a proper profile on your Tinder page!”

I spent an hour trying to make her understand that men would see her profile and immediately see her as someone whose looking for sex and not someone whose looking for romance. So I asked her a bunch of questions about hobbies. I found out her hobbies are exactly the same as they were back when she was a teenager: shopping and watch television. Those aren’t really hobbies! Those are things people do when they have nothing else to do!

The way she tackles people and relationships is completely backwards! Since Lisa is lacking in hobbies herself, she seeks out men on the notion that she must get to know them first before she realizes what interests her. I mean… WHAT THE FUCK?! o_O When she said “Someone who is caring, honest, and makes me laugh”, I blankly stared at my phone screen for a few seconds in disbelief. Those things are the defaults to all healthy relationships! She might as well have said, “Someone who is human, is alive, breathes air, and has a brain.” Well, duuuuh!

When figuring out what she wants in men, it should be basic common sense that men should complement her own interests, and not the other way around, where she goes in completely blind, not knowing anything until after she speaks with them. It should NOT be:

• I don’t know what I like in men.
• Men have to tell me what they like first.
• Then I will decide whether they are interesting or not.

Those things are totally backwards!!!

Instead, it SHOULD BE:

• I love XYZ things.
• My hobbies are XYZ things.
• I enjoy doing some of those XYZ things with other people.
• I like men who do ABC things based on my own hobbies.

Even if you don’t know exactly the things you want in a guy, that’s what dating is for! Dating is literally hanging out with someone on the notion that there is a possibility for further intimacy. Dating is when you hang out, speak with each other, find out your compatibilities and incompatibilities. I am totally at a lost as to how she proceeds with the whole dating aspect of her initial meet ups with men.

[long sigh]

Regardless, we did finally meet up once, after she flaked out. I treated her to delivered sushi and we had a pretty nice bit of chatter. We had a lot to catch up on. When she was here and we talked, she was really the same old Lisa, except older and more experienced. I actually enjoyed her company. At the very least, she wasn’t boring, even though I still found her a bit annoying but not fully in a negative way. It felt like high school all over again, without all of the other bullshit that set us back in communication. It felt for that brief moment, that we were adults catching up on lost time. However, once she departed and went back to talking on Whatsapp, I found out just how stressful it was to get clarity from her. Basically, as time went on, Lisa spoke in cryptic ways, leaving things out, being mysterious, and basically, being very annoying. I felt blessed that she rejected my initial FWB proposition. She would have brought me endless torment and drama any time I went into hermit mode, which I do a lot.

^ She was telling about how her current fuck buddy wasn’t answering her messages. She then asked me to fuck her. I considered it for a split moment, but decided to ignore it.

Some more stuff happened for the next few months until roughly September 2021, where we stopped speaking with each other completely again. Before that, Lisa had shared with me an incident about a friend with benefits that stopped responding to her. Basically, to cut that long and stressful conversation short, after her long term boyfriend passed away, she started seeing her FWB from 5 years ago again. They had sex a few times, where she started to have feelings for him. She told him this, and he started ghosting her. He told her he needs time to sort out his own shit first. Instead of respecting his wishes, she sends him a message using a different number. When he asked her who she was, Lisa told him it was John, her son’s name on the idea that whoever sent her a response, could have been her FWB’s girlfriend. After some back and forth, Lisa told him that it was her, which inflamed her FWB. He thought Lisa was playing games with him, then blocked her.

My fucking goth. Lisa is just a walking contradiction and a shit stirrer. How is it possible that a 41 year old woman, after going through all the stuff she had gone through, still have the exact same mental ability she had as a teenager? One of my other friends, while speaking about someone completely different, mentioned that people don’t fully mature until their mid to late 20s, where their frontal lobes are still developing. Trauma also causes people to get stuck forever in time, when the trauma itself happened. So remembering this conversation, I applied it to Lisa and it all made sense suddenly. However, regardless of it all making sense, it still didn’t excuse her behaviour and attitude. It didn’t excuse her decisions as an adult. I won’t argue that ‘she should have known better’, but I will argue that she should have recognized those faults of her since day 1 we spoke about her repeated pattern of behaviour since we were in our early 20s. From recognizing those faults, she could have owned up to herself, and gradually ‘fix’ herself, possibly even with the help of therapy. Better yet, how about get better friends? Lisa told me all of her other friends are pretty useless in the sense they give her some of the dumbest advice ever, and they don’t really listen to her.

For example, when she slept with a guy earlier in 2021, he told her beforehand, he wanted Lisa to be his FWB. After they had sex, he ghosted her. A month after that, Lisa asked her friends for advice, and her friend said, “At least he’s trying.” On the notion that he still responded, even though he broke every single promise to hang out, he was ‘trying’.

That’s not trying! That’s literally the opposite of trying!

It seems Lisa’s baseline for the idea of a decent man is perpetuated by how her friends think a decent man must be, at the very worst bare minimum in the ‘quality’ of what a man can be.

To give you further food for thought, whenever Amber praises and compliments me for my good behaviour, I remind Amber that my good behaviour is the default baseline. At least it should be. I am not using myself as a reference point. I am using this behaviour and attitude for every single other person out there I’ve come across, as a reference point.

In short, I wanted Lisa as my friend. I wanted to hang out with her. I wanted to eat stuff, play video games, talk about life, and take strolls around parks with her, WHILE occasionally have some sex and intimacy with her. I didn’t ghost her after she rejected me. I stayed for as long as I did, even after all of the same bullshit that keeps happening in her life. It’s too bad that she says she wants a friend with benefits, but keep connecting with men who only wants the benefits. It seems perhaps that’s what she wants all of this time, kidding herself that she’s really up for a friend.

Like I mentioned in a different post, I don’t need more unrest in my life. Still, I was disappointed that after 25 years, she still held onto things from our far past, that shouldn’t mean anything today. Obviously I’ve outgrown that immaturity and insecurity of my past. Of course, it annoys me that she conveniently disregarded her own wrongdoing on the one sided notion that I was the only one who had hurt her when we were teenagers. Rhetorically, I asked myself, “How is it possible, that people can selectively choose what they remember, filtering out everything else?” In short, I truly believed that people should be able to change and evolve themselves, especially after two decades of experiencing an adult’s lifestyle, but after dealing with Lisa, I realized some people simply never evolve or evolve very little. The 41 year old version of Lisa is just slightly different than the 16 year old version of herself. The difference is that she’s older, has had more experience, and has gone through even more hardships.

There was a part of me, that really wanted to reconnect with her on the notion she has become a much more refined, dynamically matured version of who she used to be. I wanted to desperately connect with the evolved adult version of her, to be able to share laughter, moments of a sentiment through a broken past, a buddy to cuddle with, and occasionally have some hardcore pornographic sex with.

[sigh]

Still looking for my ‘perfect’ FWB.