The More It Happens

1:37am

I was just thinking throughout the day that there are things that has been stopping the ‘progression’ of certain situations from happening in the last year since I came back from Hong Kong, but before I continue, a tune for you…

Tune: “I Do” by Yoko Kanno
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port

A couple of nights ago, I received a call at 2 in the morning from Pepper. The offer was very tempting, and unfortunately, I agreed to it. She came over about 30 minutes later in the cover of darkness and we had hardcore pornographic sex mostly in silence and quiet whimpers. We finally finished around 5am. She was sprawled on my bed, hair all over her sweaty body, tummy down, snoring gently, as I leaned up against the side of the bed with varying thoughts. I felt like lighting up a cigarette, but I didn’t smoke. She briefly raised her head and whispered if I wanted to go again before she left. I turned over to her and my dick twitched. Her glistening tanned body looked so fuckable. So couple of ‘quickie’s later, she was finally out the door by 6am. My mom was up by 6:20am and noticed some high heel marks on the tiles in front of the doorway.

As this year gets closer to my trip to Hong Kong again, things keep popping up. There are all these temptations, and my mind and body is completely split in terms of desire and holding back. To say the least, I feel stupid for making up excuses, but I want to make up excuses to stop myself from committing any actions that may lead me astray. Sounds off eh? Astray? Leeman?

It’s difficult to admit this, but what I used to be able to do, is not easily doable as I age. It’s not that I am incapable. It’s because I can’t justify doing any of them. Yes, it’s fun talking and chatting away to the wee hours of the night, flirting and talking dirty as the night goes on, but I almost feel as if it’s enough to just know that I can.

Jon, does that sound familiar? Except you were at least 4 years ahead of me…

Tune: “Return To Innocence” by Enigma

On a different evening, Pepper called me again and asked if I liked it when she licked my balls. Before I could answer, in her very feminine girly voice, she asked if I can fuck her brains out again. She was very bendable and enjoyed have her legs spread out with her head between her knees. The offer was tempting. Very tempting, and I really wanted to do it, but as much as my body wanted to, but mind kept thinking, “Nah, no, this isn’t what I really want now.”

I said no, but she ended up coming over anyway, because she ‘genuinely wanted to talk’. We ended up making out, with a lot of molesting, and finally fucked like bunnies. She even licked the cum off my dick as I dribbled my last squirts. She constantly stared up at me too. After she left, she sent me a text message, “I want you to remember me forever.”

[sigh]

Let me put it this way: when I created this site, I was searching for a way to release the emotions and thoughts that had built up inside me. My previous relationship had left me broken, and I couldn’t find solace from anyone except myself. So, I thought this site could be the bandage for my pain, a way to express my feelings and have my voice heard – for those who feel misunderstood or wronged, but don’t want to wallow in bitterness.

Yet, as some of you may have noticed, the site slowly transformed. It shifted from raw reflections to rants, to surface-level musings that didn’t truly capture the depth of my soul. I realized I was no longer expressing myself in a way that resonated with who I truly am. What you see when you meet me face-to-face is still me, but there’s a hollowness within. It’s exactly as Albert once said – a sentiment I won’t repeat here. But what I will say is that part of me is now missing, because much of it resides here, in fragments scattered across these pages. I am no longer the whole person I once was, because a part of me is now lost in this space.

The dreams I had before, even before my past relationship, feel like distant hopes that can never be fully realized. In reality, my thoughts and emotions have become intertwined with the vastness of the internet. All that remains is for the web to awaken – a concept that may seem absurd now, but trust me, there are many things some of us knew long before you ever first logged into the digital world.

Last night, before I turned off my computer, I emailed Michelle with this line:

What are your own thoughts lately?

Before that, I had plenty of wine, but I wasn’t drunk. The Port was excellent.

She replied to my email, sharing her reflections on life, death, and existence. I imagined us sitting together beneath a pagoda, meeting either for the first time or perhaps the hundredth, listening to her answer the question I had asked. How wonderful it would be to pick up where we last left off, to continue that conversation.

That said, I find myself caught in a paradox. The more I resist things from unfolding, the more I yearn for something deeper — something I’m not entirely comfortable admitting here. Yet, on nights when I receive a call from Pepper, I realize that I don’t want anything more after all; in fact, I wish for less. Pepper brings me comfort, but also discomfort. In my early 20s, I thought Virginia was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Her grace, intellect, and personality were captivating. Then I met Pepper, who felt like an evolution of Virginia, yet so much more fractured. Part of me wants to love her, and it’s clear she wants to love me too. But another part of me knows that if we fully embraced that love, it would only deepen our brokenness.

[pauses for a moment]

This song… it’s been one of my favourites since it first came out all those years ago.

Here’s something you might not know: I’ve made 2,222 entries, though only 315 are visible to you. That’s a lot of typing since March 2006. Crazy, right?

Sometimes, I dream of being a monk, living in a Shinto Buddhist temple, sweeping the grounds, caring for the shrines, passing my days with books and calligraphy. If only I didn’t have to take these shots, but even then, I still have to think about my family.

[thinks for awhile while switching songs]

Tune: “Goodbye My Master” by Yoko Kanno

I’m done.

2:40am