To break out of my religious rants lately and back into Leemanism, I was just thinking throughout the day that there are things that has been stopping the ‘progression’ of certain situations from happening in the last year since I came back from Hong Kong, but before I continue, a tune for you…
Tune: “Kishida Shun” From Kakyuusei 2
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port
A couple of nights ago, I received a call at 2 in the morning from Pepper. The offer was very tempting, and unfortunately, I agreed to it. She came over about 30 minutes later in the cover of darkness and we had hardcore pornographic sex mostly in silence and quiet whimpers. We finally finished around 5am. She was sprawled on my bed, hair all over her sweaty body, tummy down, snoring gently, as I leaned up against the side of the bed with varying thoughts. I felt like lighting up a cigarette, but I didn’t smoke. She briefly raised her head and whispered if I wanted to go again before she left. I turned over to her and my dick twitched. Her glistening tanned body looked so fuckable. So couple of ‘quickie’s later, she was finally out the door by 6am. My mom was up by 6:20am and noticed some high heel marks on the tiles in front of the doorway.
As this year gets closer to my trip to Hong Kong again, things keep popping up. There are all these temptations, and my mind and body is completely split in terms of desire and holding back. To say the least, I feel stupid for making up excuses, but I want to make up excuses to stop myself from committing any actions that may lead me astray. Sounds off eh? Astray? Leeman?
It’s difficult to admit this, but what I used to be able to do, is not easily doable as I age. It’s not that I am incapable. It’s because I can’t justify doing any of them. Yes, it’s fun talking and chatting away to the wee hours of the night, flirting and talking dirty as the night goes on, but I almost feel as if it’s enough to just know that I can.
Jon, does that sound familiar? Except you were at least 4 years ahead of me…
Tune: “Return To Innocence” by Enigma
On a different evening, Pepper called me again and asked if I liked it when she licked my balls. Before I could answer, in her very feminine girly voice, she asked if I can fuck her brains out again. She was very bendable and enjoyed have her legs spread out with her head between her knees. The offer was tempting. Very tempting, and I really wanted to do it, but as much as my body wanted to, but mind kept thinking, “Nah, no, this isn’t what I really want now.”
I said no, but she ended up coming over anyway, because she ‘genuinely wanted to talk’. We ended up making out, with a lot of molesting, and finally fucked like bunnies. She even licked the cum off my dick as I dribbled my last squirts. She constantly stared up at me too. After she left, she sent me a text message, “I want you to remember me forever.”
Let’s put it this way. When I began this site, my heart wanted an outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts into. All that crap that happened in my previous relationship needed some bandages and no one could really help me except myself, and so I thought creating this site would help alleviate that emotional pain and anger. To have my thoughts and my voice heard, for those whom have been misunderstood and have been wronged, but don’t want to be petty about it.
However, as some of you have noticed, the site started to dwindle with my inner thoughts and replaced by rants and raves, and occasional skin-deep thoughts. What I realized was that, I was no longer me as my thoughts and emotions poured out on here. What you see in person is still me, but I felt hollow. The thing is, it was exactly like Albert had said in the past, which I won’t say here. What I will say is that part of me is now gone, because a lot of it is here, or fragments of it. I am no longer me, because a huge part of me is here.
What I wanted before, even before my previous relationship is but a dream, and that dream can never be realized because in reality, my thoughts and my emotions are simply one with the net. The only thing now, is for the net to awaken. Some of you may laugh and ridicule it now, but there are a lot of things you don’t know that the few of us had already started long before you logged into the internet for the first time.
Last night, before I turned off my computer, I emailed Michelle with this line:
What are your own thoughts lately?
Before that, I had a lot of wine, but I wasn’t drunk at all. The Port is very good.
She emailed me back about her recent happenings, and her thoughts on life and death and existence. I imagined her and myself sitting under a pagoda, meeting for the first time, or maybe even for the hundredth time, and listening to her answer the question I asked her through email. How nice would it be to pick up where we last corresponded eh?
With that said, I wanted to say in this entry that the more I reject things from happening, the more I find that I want something more – something that I find uncomfortable saying here. Then the nights where I get a call from Pepper, I find that I don’t want anything more and in fact, want less. Pepper makes me feel good, and not so good at the same time. When I was in my early 20s, I thought Virginia was the most beautiful girl I had ever set my eyes on. Her mannerisms, intellect, personality was all so lovely. Then I met Pepper and she’s like an evolution of Virginia, but so much more broken. On one hand, I want to love Pepper and it clearly shows she wants to love me too. Then on the other hand, we are clearly so broken, that if we actively expressively love each other, we will break each other even more.
[pauses for a moment]
This song is good. It was and is one of my favorite songs since it first came out all those years ago.
Want to know something? I’ve made 2,222 entries, even though you can only see 315 of them. Yeah, that’s a lot of typing since March 2006. Crazy eh?
Sometimes, I wish I was a monk living up in a Shinto Buddhist temple, sweeping the grounds, taking care of the shrines, and passing time reading and writing calligraphy. If only I did not have to take these shots, but even then, I still have to consider my family.
[thinks for awhile while switching songs]
Tune: “Goodbye My Master” by Yoko Kanno
Don’t breathe the Port wine in through your nose, or it will kill your senses. The alcohol is quite potent and might make you dizzy. 20% isn’t much, compared to the Absinthe I use to take, or the 40% to 50% mixed drinks back in the day, but it’s still very solid. It’s not like regular red wine, where you can still see through it, Port is a thick liquid. Don’t give it to children, or it will destroy their liver.
[thinks for a bit]
Sometimes, hmm…. Yeah.