The late summer of 2004 stands out. A year after I got back into biking, nearly a decade after the van that hit me left me blind in one eye. The trauma was never treated – just buried. But 2004? That was unforgettable, in part because of her.
We met at a Red Robin in Metrotown – me with Carlo, her through him. I don’t recall the details. Just that she came over, sat across from me, and clinked glasses. A few exchanged words. Before we left, I invited her on a bike ride in Richmond. Numbers were exchanged. That was the beginning.
She arrived on a dusty navy bike that needed help. I tuned the brakes, cleaned the gears, oiled the chain. While I worked, my eyes kept drifting. Her fit legs, sculpted frame, and playful pigtails weren’t lost on me. She knew it too – I spent most of the ride behind her. She flexed her perfect bubble butt whenever she could, and mischievously smirked at me whenever our eyes met.
That balance between maturity and mischief pulled me in. Our messages were flirtatious, sometimes deep, sometimes stupid. We rarely met, but the tension lingered. When we finally did connect, it erupted.
December 2004. She laid next to me, soft from a massage, eyes flicking toward mine.
“Is there something you want to do?” she asked.
I kissed her, slow and deliberate. That night, she taught me what climax could be. Hers – again and again. Sometimes six, sometimes ten in a single session. Her body melted under my touch, begged for more, gave in with abandon. She was magnetic. It wasn’t just sex – it was exploration, hunger, rhythm. She rode me once and came six times in eight minutes, moaning uncontrollably with her mother twenty feet away. At a restaurant, meeting with her ex, they talked casually, as I grabbed her thong and flossed her ass crack. She leaned in and whispered with a growl, “Do you mind?” Which I responded with a wicked grin, “Not at all.”
She was everything I needed then – intelligent, independent, dominant yet soft. She was generous with her time, effort, and femininity. She raved, she danced, she handled herself. We clicked in and out of bed. Until we didn’t.
When her mother’s surgery left her hospitalized, Cindy asked me to visit. I made excuses. I didn’t go. And that silence? It killed everything.
By the time I offered, it was too late. She’d seen me for what I refused to accept: unreliable. That fracture became the truth she couldn’t unsee. Passion turned cold. Her kisses became quick pecks, her loyalty evaporated. Her friends talked shit. She didn’t defend me. When I decorated her friend’s wedding venue, I was invisible. Her mother openly suggested a doctor instead of “a freelancer.” Cindy didn’t object. That silence said everything. Once, at a party, she sat on another guy’s lap in front of me like I wasn’t even there. And I stayed. Out of guilt, nostalgia, stupidity – who knows.
We were done by March 2006, after a few too many breakups and reconciliations. She was too passive to end it. I was too stubborn to walk away.
In truth, we were never fully compatible. I was introverted, depressive, emotionally ill-equipped. She didn’t have the patience – or perhaps the instinct – to meet me in that space. Amber eventually did. Cindy never could.
If I had been who I am now, we might have been great friends. Maybe lovers without labels. Someone to bike with. Someone to fuck in moments of tension and talk about music in moments of calm. But that version of me didn’t exist yet. I was messy, uncertain, and more boy than man.
She once told me I was four of the best candies out of ten – not enough to build a future on. In hindsight, she was right. And the feeling, frankly, was mutual.
It’s been almost 16 years and change. The pain has dulled, but the memory remains. I’ve looked her up from time to time – saw that she kept cycling, tried surfing, travelled more. Her body still looks amazing. I’ll give her that. But I’ve never reached out. Lisa Vo taught me the danger of nostalgia – it forgets why things ended.
In all these years, I’ve never bumped into any of my past lovers. Not even when I visited Hong Kong in 2006 – Cindy had left just a week earlier. It’s as if we were cosmically timed to miss each other forever.
Maybe we passed each other on a street once – shoulders brushing, hearts unaware.
I don’t regret that it ended.
I regret how I handled her hurt.
Whatever cruelty she inflicted wasn’t intentional. She withdrew instead of confronting. She let her friends do the talking. She nudged me out instead of pushing me away. That’s not evil. That’s passive detachment.
But I wasn’t innocent either.
I should have been there when she asked.
I should have bowed out with grace when I saw her love was gone.
Still, I learned.
From her silence. From my absence. From how badly I wanted to be seen.
And now, I let her go for real.
Wherever she is now, I hope she still smiles when dancing, still crushes pavement with her tires, and still knows how to lose herself in pleasure.
P.S. Original comments from past Cindy-related posts have been moved here, preserved for context and reflection. Think of them as echoes, not endorsements.
Reflecting on this chapter of your life, it’s clear that while it was fraught with challenges, it also paved the way for growth, for a deeper understanding of what you truly need in a partner.
If only I knew you back then… I would have kept your mind and your body too busy to be heartbroken for long. 😉 ♥
If you would have known me back then, darling, I would have been 27, and you would have been 12… Yeah, thanks but no thanks, babe.
Yeah you told me before. Odd how that is. I can see your army of puppies and another army of kittens… 8o
*HA-CHOO!!!* I’m allergic to cats. Seriously. :s
Sure I can do that. You’ll have to give me an ‘exact’ time… Well, say the earliest time you’ll be arriving. Just you right?
That’s a nice pic of Lucy Liu. I had no idea she was 38 years old! You know you’ve made it big when you’re on the Simpsons 🙂 hehe
Questionnnnn… would you be able to pick me up from the airport on Thursday August 31st? 😀 My flight arrives around noon.
We’re no more destined to be, than fate holding us.
Nice, thanks! 8]
depeche mod/ the smiths
What’s the name and artist of the song?
AND yes, half a year, max! [nods] 8]
Hello Mr. Kage.
You know, there once was a wise man who said that a happy ending is an unfinished story. Very cynical, ultimatley true. All good things come to an end, luckily so do all bad things.
I listen to music too much, so I think in lyrics. One lyric this post brings to mind is ‘When you’re born a lover, you’re born to suffer’ which is true. I wish I was a misogynistic womazing prick sometimes. It would be an easier life.
Another lyric from my favourite band/artist(being the ‘fashionably depressed even in the summertime, god i thought it would be over by now’ type of person I am):
“Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm
Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm
So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?
The story is old – I know
But it goes on
The story is old – I know
But it goes on
Oh, goes on
And on
Oh, goes on
And on”
Which is pretty depressing.
My advice, be depressed for half a year max, then snap out of it.
Don’t take this the wrong way pal, but Hal-9001 has got your back! Chloe can get fecked!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! You know what? I thought her contact info was outdated, but guess what? I called her ‘old’ house number again, wondering if indeed that was a Russian guy, and lone behold – IT IS her house number!
We talked a for about 10 minutes or so. OMGOSH! She’s studying the EXACT SAME THING AS CINDY!!! Except, she is ACTUALLY PASSING! Meaning, she’ll be writing her finals this month, and if successful, she’ll go to the states for med school, then back to B.C. to do work probably.
That is very interesting. From the sounds of it, she’s all grown up… I was surprised actually that she still remember me. We exchanged cell numbers. I’m not going to call her again. Well, I mean, not until she calls me back at the least. I don’t want to intrude in her space you know, especially after all these years.
This time around, if it’s good, I want to pursue a friendship with her. 8]
Omigosh… This is somewhat irrelevant but I couldn’t resist… I know she was special to you but maybe she was the Rong girl?? *hyuk hyuk* :B
Yeah, damn… I was going through an emotional break-down this early morning and sent out a massive email to everyone. I was so down, so hurting, so damn frustrated. No words to describe my emotions… [sigh]
Ok, no more picking me up at my place. Besides, when I’m back, I might not be living at home.
And the world keeps getting smaller. Man, next thing you know, you’ll find out Nelson’s sister was my arch-enemy in high school. Haha jk. That is too freaky.
And you don’t necessarily need to enter happy thoughts on AMT. No fluffy air bunnies! That’s what makes your site so interesting. Raw, uncut and straight from the heart material.
As per HK, I’m leaving this Friday and I’ll definitely send you pictures once I have them. 🙂
Yes, I have definitely been trying with much difficulty to not allow myself to see her. I promised my mom that I will not step foot beyond her gate.
[sigh]
You know what sucks so bad? Is that you live one street down from her – your house is exactly across from her’s – with one house and a road separating them. More often than not, I would take your road (27th) from Fraser, then turn right then turn right again onto 26th.
So many many memories of her, and that area. What a coincidence that I meet someone from totally different parties, and she just so happens to live pratically right next to you here in Vancouver.
You know what’s even funnier? Her new love interest Nelson Kwok was Cara’s first boyfriend. Remember Cara? That was Albert’s first girlfriend.
I hate to say this, but we live in such a small world.
Anyway, I will have to side with you and DitS. I have to try my best to forfeit her, not try to be her trainer, etc. I just have to do it.
Well, I’ll try to enter happier thoughts here at AMT from now on.
Thank you. 8]
BTW, you going to send me pictures of your HK trip? There are a few places you HAVE to visit – Lantau Island and the big Buddha, Ocean Park, Victoria Peak and the thousands of kite flyers… Actually, I’ll tell you more in email. 8]
Nope, didn’t read all of it. In fact, I was gonna post, “Is that what you call a POST?!” haha. Well, I never fail to get a dose of sex ed from ya 😉 hehehe. What can I say? I’m sure you don’t need to re-read all your journal entries to know that she’s treated/treats you like CRAP, and uses you only when it suits her fine. Selfish, really. I’m curious as to how she can sleep at night without feeling the least bit remorseful or upset as to how much heartache and grief she’s dished out to you.
It’s great that for the sake of your honor and integrity, you have kept back your ‘demons’ from lashing out and seeking vengeance. I think in that is the best thing to do that you will not regret in hindsight.
Revealing that you are 100% weak against her, I agree with DiTS that you should cease ANY contact with her. This is especially once you’ve resolved that there is no way to work out your relationship, then I think it’s the best course. You don’t want to have your wounds agitated any longer before it can finally rest up and heal. Heartbreaks suck, been there and done that, but you WILL conquer it. You will…
Did you read the rest of the entry? I added much more after the second paragraph… Reason was because as I mentioned, DW phoned me as I was typing this out, and she ended up coming here.
Game plan? Well, like I said, I am weak against her, even though Albert has made 100% logical reasons why she is a fucking bitch relating to Nelly, the type of person he is to be dating someone like her, etc, etc – unfortunately, I still have feelings for her. Yes, I have a lot of vengeance, and the petty demons are knocking on my door as I try to bar them in, but I’m controlling them. I want to hurt her back dearly, but at the same time, i want to keep my integrity – at the very least.
Honor holds very little value in today’s day and age, but for the very few, at the very least, I can rest a tiny bit better every night that the very few that take honor into heart are those close to me.
I questioned, “DW did not once shed a tear for me. She continued to allow her so-called friends that she admitted to not having an ideal relationship with (except for the Calgarian friends – they are pretty good people) to attack me and not defend me, and she basically allowed herself to treat me like crap, etc, etc, I was wondering, does she even feel ashamed? Embarrassed at the very least?!?!
FOR FUCK SAKES!
So what’s the game plan?
Awww, Li. I’m here obsessively checking your site for updates but I’m also around cyberspace if you need me. Praying for you too. *hugz* I’m coming back in August!