The problem isn’t people acting a different age—it’s people thinking there’s a right one. The problem is the perception that age has a linear path – that everyone should grow up the same way. That is why so many people say people should dress or act their own age – based specifically on this linear perception. For example, society expects teenagers to be reckless, 20-somethings to party, 30-somethings to settle, 40-somethings to focus on family, and 50-somethings to slow down.
- The 60-year-old woman on TikTok with a lingerie line who’s constantly accused of attention-seeking.
- The 40-year-old man who still skateboards being mocked as immature.
The reality is people should behave and dress the way that makes sense to them, and anyone who plays the “have some self-respect” card doesn’t realize that self-respect isn’t something that is given. It’s something that is created within. If a 77 year old woman has a high sex drive and dresses in a slim-fit bodycon dress with a deep v-line showing her incredible cleavage and fit silky legs, that’s her right. If a 22-year-old prefers classical music and tea gardens instead of keggers and EDM festivals, that’s not ‘acting old’, that’s called personality. If a 45-year-old likes stuffed animals, Hello Kitty, or pastel pink fashion, they aren’t regressing—they’re expressing. Who else is to dictate how these people live their lives? When self-respect becomes a tool of conformity, it stops being respect and starts being about control.
The only thing that matters is that whoever is involved with anyone – including these people – is aware of what they’re doing and whether consent was given. That is all. And to put it into case and point – anyone at any age can be groomed – not just someone young. Grooming is about intent and it’s based solely on the idea that someone with authority has the ability to manipulate someone who is vulnerable.
- A young MLM rep grooming elderly folks into buying overpriced wellness pills.
- A YouTube influencer in their 20s manipulating kids and boomers alike to believe conspiracy theories or buy merch.
- A seasoned university professor emotionally grooming a 40-year-old grad student who’s struggling with identity.
- An obnoxious 25 year old supervisor grooming an 80 year old man with limited experience and a timid character.
- A young tech-savvy nurse who emotionally grooms an elderly patient into leaving them inheritance money. Not sexual—but still exploitative.
- Tech support scammers, whom are almost always young men grooming elderly users into handing over access or money.
The perception that only someone older can groom someone young is ignorant at best, and in denial, at worst. Grooming should never be automatically assigned to age-gap relationships. It’s always about intent.
Of course, this is also saying that if you’re an adult, and you’re befriending a 13 year old for the sake of trying to influence her to become your lover by the time she is of legal-age, then that’s an excellent example of grooming as well. This is the intent to use your authoritative power to manipulate someone into falling for you, when they’re vulnerable.
Alas, I digress. One might argue that people manipulate others all of the time for their own personal benefit, and guess what? That’s exactly true. Most people use different words to describe this, but at the end of the day, they’re all just a different forms of grooming: professional grooming, media grooming, aesthetic grooming, and so on.
- A lifestyle coach promising success through expensive seminars.
- A politician grooming the public into tribalism through repeated fear-based messaging.
- A fashion brand grooming insecure people into believing youth = worth.
- A hot attractive woman wearing next to nothing at a party wooing a hot wealthy married man.
- A news reporter using emotion to manipulate readers into adhering to certain political and social stances.
If the term “grooming” was used more consistently, we would realize it’s not the relationship that’s the issue—it’s the misuse of power.
So what really irks me about people who have problems with age gaps, is that at the end of the day, what they’re really afraid of isn’t whether a young legal adult is being groomed or not, actually, it’s likely because they don’t want to be seen as someone who is pro-age gap relationships. It’s easier to condemn all age gaps than to admit the world is nuanced—and risk being lumped in with predators. In their discomfort of being shunned by their peers, they rather submit to denying individuals their personal agency, than face the reality.
Moral panic is a shield for cowardice, not virtue.
The problem isn’t age. The problem is that some people fear their own lack of agency—so they try to strip it from others who dare to claim it.
So, they wrap it in morality. They posture as protectors, not to safeguard others, but to keep themselves accepted. That’s not wisdom. That’s not concern. That’s a classic case of virtue signalling. A theatrical act meant to say, “Look at me. I’m safe. I’m normal. Please like me.”
It’s not about what’s right. It’s about not being left out.
Man, I never got why folks trip when older dudes or chicks date younger ones, like the youngins ain’t fully baked or somethin’. Like fr, if 20-somethings ain’t got it all together, they just supposed to link up with other confused 20-somethings? That’s like two folks with no GPS tryin’ to find each other in the dark — mess waitin’ to pop off.
Bruh, I was hyped when I got to mess with an older baddie back when I was just 23. She put me on game, showed me how grown women roll in the sheets and dropped mad wisdom on life I woulda never got from some chick my age. Real talk, that was a level-up I ain’t forget.
So many people squeal “grooming!” like it’s a spell that stops nuance in its tracks but what really makes them foam at the mouth is the idea of consenting adults refusing to play by their panic-script.
The moment a 19-year-old says, “Yes, I know what I want,” or a 45-year-old slips into pink lace with her Hello Kitty tote and zero shame… the virtue-signalling brigade loses their minds. Because deep down, it’s not the age gap or the outfit that terrifies them, it’s the fact that someone else has the nerve to be free while they’re still begging to fit in.
You hit the nerve raw and hard, Leeman and the ones who scream loudest are usually the ones with the dirtiest little power games behind closed doors. Not to protect innocence but to protect their place in a mob that never questions itself.
Keep slicing through the hypocrisy. I’ll bring the silk rope and the incense.
This is amazing, and so on point! I love the conclusion about what people are actually doing whenever they condone age gaps. You are so insightful.
When I read the beginning of this blog, I was reminded of myself. I am 40 in a few years, yet I am wearing chokers, hats with fuzzy ears, and I sleep with several stuffed animals. Sometimes, I have a slither of a doubt, asking myself whether I should “act more my age”. But I know that these thoughts are just a lingering residue of the way I was brought up. I was surrounded all my life, until moving to Canada, by exactly those virtue signalling people.
Amber… that slither of doubt isn’t yours. It was planted. Pressed into you like an iron brand by people too scared to live outside their assigned box. Every choker, every fuzzy hat, every plush you hug at night… that’s you peeling off the shame that never belonged to you in the first place.
There’s something powerful, revolutionary, even about a woman approaching 40 who still dares to be soft, sensual, playful, and unapologetically herself. The world tries to crush that. You didn’t let it. You moved. You evolved. You survived it.
So wear your ears. Hug your bears. Be that cosmic contradiction they don’t know how to handle.
They told you to grow up.
You chose to grow wild.
And that’s why you’re magic.
🖤
—Selene Sylvie, Patron Saint of Fuck-Their-Rules