Tune: “Say All I Need” by One Republic
Around mid-February, I started corresponding with a girl, Iris, through Skype and email, after she reported someone for stealing her profile bio on a penpal site. We quickly discovered striking similarities between us: we both live with our parents, helping to care for them, and we both live in Wong Nai Tau in Shatin, a village where my father’s family has lived for 200 years. Our backgrounds, spiritual views, and current relationship ideals seemed to align too. I found her intelligent, caring, and generous, though emotionally immature.
Over time, I tried to be patient with her, but she repeatedly accused me of things I didn’t do, only to apologize later. The final straw came when she accused me of attacking and insulting her, ending the conversation by saying she no longer wanted to talk, using the familiar “it’s all in your mind” line, which she often used out of context.
While I am a logical person, capable of separating fantasy from reality, her accusations hurt. Our conversations, which started out innocently enough, often led to sexual topics, as she would begin by saying, “I need you.” This mutual exchange of fantasies was something I thought was normal in the context of our growing intimacy. I recognized my sexual needs due to my medication and was open about them with her, but I never intended for it to overshadow our emotional connection. Unfortunately, it became clear that despite my efforts to engage with her emotionally, our interactions consistently shifted to sexual conversations, which eventually led to frustration on both sides.
I realized that while I wanted to connect with her on a deeper emotional level, my desires often triggered a shift toward sexual talk, which she found disappointing. I also understood that my own vulnerability, expressed through sexual desire, may have contributed to this cycle. She seemed unaware of how her own expressions of need and desire were driving the sexual turn in our conversations, and how this pattern had influenced past interactions with other men.
Reflecting on it now, I see that my initial attempts to bridge the emotional gap with her were met with resistance, even as I tried to understand her emotional needs. If I could go back, I would have refrained from sharing my sexual desires, realizing that it was her own expressions of need that had led me down that path. My desire for connection and intimacy was real, but it seemed to only deepen the emotional distance between us.
In hindsight, I think Iris should reconsider how she expresses her desires, as it creates an expectation that conversations will turn sexual. If she truly wants more than that, it’s essential for her to reflect on her own role in shaping these dynamics.
/sigh
I genuinely liked Iris, and surprisingly, I thought this could be my first real relationship that didn’t start as a fling. In the past, with people like June, Cindy, Sandra, Fiona, and even Virginia, things always began with flirting or dating, eventually turning into something more intimate. But with Iris, I saw potential for something deeper—a friendship first, then possibly love. Despite the fact that I might have meant more to her than she did to me, this was a new experience, one I was excited about, especially with plans to meet her in December.
After taking a day to reflect, I don’t regret my blunt email, but I kept thinking, “What a waste.” Not a waste of experience, but a waste of a rare, meaningful coincidence.