11:54pm
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Lauren Hill
Stuck at home at 5 minutes before midnight. What’s tomorrow? Saturday the 6th. May 6th… What was I doing May 6th of last year?
Yeah… I need a beer.
1:06am
Just updated my “About Me” page. I decided to strip away much of the old content and rewrite my bio to reflect who I am right now.
I’ve come to appreciate the password protection option. I should’ve discovered WordPress back in 2004—it would have made managing NexusColony.com so much easier. But, like many things from the past, I didn’t know at the time. I think I stumbled upon it back then, but I stuck with CuteNews, thinking it was more flexible, even though I disliked template systems. I preferred a fully customized UI, after all.
Last night, instead of going to Cygnie’s, Patrick called and we ended up hanging out. Flora bailed out—said it would take her at least 30 minutes to get ready. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Thirty minutes for what?” I joked. “We’re just going out on a Thursday night in Richmond.”
I have to admit, I get it. A lot of girls do that – dressing up just for simple, low-key nights out. It makes me laugh sometimes, but who am I to complain? I like it too, in a way.
Over the past month, I’ve been thinking about a lot. I’ve tried to push it aside the last few weeks, but here’s a confession: I started weight training and cycling on April 15, 2006, the same night I went to Francis’ dinner.
I did something I hadn’t in a while. I opened a bottle of Rodnik vodka – I needed something. I didn’t drink with Pat last night, so I needed a fix. No, I’m not an alcoholic, just… moments like these.
Francis’ dinner was a good time. I played Texas Hold’em with Pat and his dad. The game was fast—thirty minutes, tops. I lost to Francis, though. My pair of eights was no match for his queens. I handed him my chips, grinning, even though I’d promised myself never to gamble again. It’s the stupidity of youth, I guess.
I know I control my own path, but sometimes, the darker side of me feels restless. I’m standing at a crossroads now. I’ll continue being the son, brother, and partner I’m supposed to be. But, when it comes to relationships, I’m done. I can’t give myself the way I once did. Not again. It was the best for the wrong person.
It wasn’t just Cindy; it was me, too. I gave too much, trusted too much. And now, it’s like I can’t believe in anyone the way I did before.
I watched Conspiracy Theory tonight and thought, “I can’t live like that guy, isolated, paranoid.” I’m 27 now. I hope Razor Technology’s FTX takes off, that we get VC funding and see the fruits of our hard work. I want to succeed, not just for the money, but for the legacy – seeing my designs, our projects, everywhere. No more broken promises. I want freedom.
As for Cindy, I think about her every day. But it’s fleeting, and mostly filled with anger, regret, and vengeful thoughts. It hurts, especially knowing that at some point, if I gain power, I’ll be able to ruin her life, should I choose to. I have that power now, and I wonder – should I use it?
No, I’m not petty. I could never expose her, not like those revenge stories you hear. But it’s hard to shake the anger, the hurt. And then there’s the crying, the quiet release of emotion, alone in my room.
Pat told me about his best friend, Jason, who got cheated on by his fiancée. That’s another thing that makes no sense – cheating on someone you’re supposed to marry. If you don’t want to be with them, why commit in the first place?
It’s May 6, 2006. Four days shy of a year ago, I would have been riding bikes with her, talking about the stars, the bog, the crickets at night in Richmond. She looked beautiful that night. I wanted to warm her hands, hold her close. That was May 10, 2005.
And now, here I am.
This vodka’s awful, by the way. Never buy Rodnik’s.
[“Inside of Me” by Madonna]
When I still had my office in 1999 to 2001, I use to play this song on my old but beautifully sounding sound system, amidst black lights, studio halogens, blue ceilings, floor, and walls, blinds up on western windows as the sun sets – pink and orange above… Gorgeous beats… Warre’s Warrior Port, with Albert, talking about Three Kingdoms, bitchy Asian UBC girls, nice sports cars, and chess… [smirks]
It was really nice back in the day. So much freedom. So irresponsible to a degree…
One bottle of Port per week! Hahahahaha! Bills coming out to be $650 (cdn) per night! HAHAHAHAHA! Damn those times… So bad. Damn, I once took a few grand out to the mall with me, and bought my then $2700 laptop all in 20 dollar bills! Yeah… It was fun, but it was stupid.
I started up top BY MYSELF, and went down hard. Now I’m starting near the bottom, going back up very slowly, with loads of setbacks. [ponders]
That’s it.
When my world seems to crumble all around
And foolish people try to bring me down
I just think of your smiling face
And I’m flying
2:21am