Wanna Come With Me?

1:41am

“Stronger” by Sugababes

It’s time I reclaim myself after this long, arduous journey. If you’re wondering, it’s not that I wasn’t myself – I simply lost something along the way. It’s a hollow, numbing feeling to live like this, and the frustration of not being able to pinpoint exactly what I’ve lost makes it worse.

I need some milk. [returns with milk] Mmm, nothing like milk… 8]

Imagine a Rubik’s cube spinning endlessly, pieces scattered in every direction, some turning faster than others, each trying to find its place. But somewhere along the way, one piece slips away. And when I finally gather myself, I realize that piece is gone. No, this loss has nothing to do with Cindy or our broken relationship – it happened long before I met her, in fact.

I’ll continue to grow, refine my standards, and reshape my mindset, making sure not to repeat the same mistakes more than once or twice. I’ll keep my silliness intact with those who appreciate it… 8] …and maybe even a bit of my mischievousness. 83

But as time passes, people either try to forget their past or go to great lengths to avoid the ones who’ve caused them pain. I’ll admit it here, though – what I should have known all along is that I can be a romantic, considerate, caring, loving, passionate, and sometimes assertively aggressive person. But I’m also someone who tends to bury my emotions, trample on my own feelings, and mock the positivity I feel.

You can’t begin to understand how much I wanted to take her in my arms, hold her close, kiss her, and dance with her when she sang to me in front of that small crowd at Fairbee, back in early 2000. I pushed her away, and I’ll confess it now: I did it because I was afraid. Afraid of so many things.

Though I was still ‘young’ back then, I never relied on anyone to build me up. I saw Virginia as the perfect companion for me. I wanted her more than anything. I wanted all of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I hurt her with my words, my actions, and in the end, she gave up on me. It’s been over six years. I have her phone number, I know where she lives, but trying to reach out and be friends feels impossible.

That’s what I asked Albert – when the future seems so uncertain, is it even worth trying to chase after it?

[chuckles] I can already hear Laura, Patrick, or maybe even Marlon saying, “Damn it Li! CALL HER RIGHT NOW!”

But no. It’s been far too long. She’s moved on. She has her own life, her career, her future. Even in the times I was lost, fooling around with June, then with Cindy, Virginia was still there in my thoughts, from time to time. Regret talking, of course.

I think I’ve started to understand what’s been reserved for me. When I look at my hands, I feel like I know what I need to do. It must be karma—meeting Cindy, going through hell with her and her friends. But did I really deserve all of that pain, the misunderstandings? Did I really have to date a demon?

I’ll make it through the rainy days
I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than i’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright

I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be
I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger

Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what i’m looking for

I didn’t know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn’t care
So I searched into my soul
I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It’s not my style
I get by
See i’m gonna do this for me

2:26am