1:16am
Tune: “You Sang To Me” by Marc Anthony
[audio:ma_yousangtome.mp3]A few months after Virginia gave up on me, I heard this song play on the stereo. The lyrics didn’t click until around late August 2000.
All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can’t believe I didn’t see it in your eyes
I didn’t see it, I can’t believe it
Oh but I feel it
When you sing to me
How I long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies
And I promise you this time I’ll see it in your eyes
I didn’t see it, I can’t believe it
Oh but I feel it
It has been six years already. When I was with June, I was happy. It was very apparent, but Virginia was on my mind most of that entire time. She was on my mind for a long time, because I felt that I pushed someone that I really adored away, just because I felt at the time that I wasn’t a good enough person. I tried to give myself many reasons – negative ones and neutral ones. When everything fell apart on me in June 2000, I broke down. It was an extremely painful month for me. Over that summer, I locked myself in the washroom late in the night, while the security guards left me alone to my tears and suppressed silent cries.
I think I really ‘needed’ love back then, but it really wasn’t the right time. To this day, I still believe I did not deserve her emotions. Six years is a long time for younger people.
In early 2001, right after June and I became intimately involved, Albert sent me a letter and a poem. That poem is hanging on my Eastern wall. It has almost always been there since then.
Do you know why this song means much to me? Because there was one night in April 2000 that I visited her down at Fairbee where she worked, and there were quite a lot of people in there – customers. She put on a song by Bette Middler called “The Rose” and she stood up in front of me and sang to me.
I was an idiot and kind of ignored her. I know I hurt her. I was immature and stupid. Every moment, every day, for years, to this day, I think back on that – now a lot less than before, but I think about her and her song and my stupidity and that was my biggest regret.
Since then, over the last five years, there were times I just wanted to steer towards the absolute ambitious path. I wanted to work hard and play just as hard. I wanted to be the ‘chess master’, and manipulate scenerios, so I can achieve certain goals, for a bigger goal, but over the years, I have developed morals, ethics, and principles. Even now, after all this shit with Cindy and her family and friends, after an impulsive action corresponding Erica’s words of believing in my moral standards, and looking at Jon, Ben, Graeme, and Albert, and then looking at myself, I think Virginia was and has become a huge focal point in my life.
I failed her… Or rather, I failed myself in realizing my dreams and my true desires, and so today, I refocus back on my past and use that to take steps towards the future.
I have never believed in true love because I recognize the frailty of relationships and love itself. Virginia is indeed the goddess that I had portrayed, just as Albert’s poem depicted, she is indeed very immortal because she will continue to linger on in me.
After some tedious searching, I found her working home number, and we talked a bit. My goal was to try to build a friendship with her, but I am sure she would rather forget about me altogether. I was selfish. I thought that if I had the chance to build my friendship with her, I can re-establish my true-self and go towards the future without the tempting desire to play.
Spiritually, I worshipped her. I felt that she was perfect in my mind, through my eyes, and in my heart. How can I taint and soil such a perfect figure? She is everything I wanted. I wanted to hold her, hold her close to me, brush her hair, caress her hair, and kiss her. Of all the girls in my life thus far, I never thought of having sex with her. I thought that all I wanted to do was hold her hand and take a nice long walk somewhere.
Back in the day, I couldn’t open myself up to her, to anyone. I kept everything to myself. I avoided pictures with everyone, including with my family. I suppressed all of my emotions – I dealt my emotions solely on my own.
I thought a lot less about Virginia after my trip to Hong Kong in October 2002. That night, taking off from the airport as the plane ascended, turned, and I looked downwards at illuminated lights of MongKok, Tsim Sha Tsiu, Kowloon, Victoria, and Hong Kong Island, I kind of said my good byes to her. I ‘left’ her there.
Then my freelancing took off, joined Razor, worked my ass off, joined this other company hopefully temporarily, and just waiting for VC to happen with Razor. I really need this. I need this break. I can still continue with the hardships through Razor – as long as it’s for Razor.
As I mentioned to Albert, for years, I have felt that my sole purpose in life was to secure the welfare of my parents. I have often layed on my bed thinking what will I do when my mom and my dad are no longer here. I thought about my brother and I have to keep in touch with him, because I would be his only direct family.
[“Marry Me” by Amanda Marshall”]
[ponders]
Yeah, I’m silly, humorous often with friends. I like to keep things simple. I don’t like too much conflict – some is okay. I want to be a kid sometimes. I want to laugh wholeheartedly. I want to play – as in have a good time riding our bikes together, or walk around a park, or chill somewhere, or play tag at the playground, stuff. I want to fold paper aeroplanes and paper boats with my young cousins. I want to melt crayons together and draw pictures. I want to take big chalk pieces and draw on the pavement. I want to go sledding in the winter with Ed and Albert at QE Park. I want to try to make sushi some day out of the blue. I want to go into the building of Razor and be greeted with my team mates, “Hey Boss, I just finished this. What do you think?” Then I’ll look, be satisfied, smile and wink and give it back to him or her and reply, “Good work.” Then walk into my office and check my messages, possibly even get an e-card from one of my friends…
It’s very ideal.
Too bad really, because I am a realist – mostly.
You know? Aside from Albert, Jon, and occasionally Laura and Patrick, sometimes, I feel tired that I have to be the one to keep in touch with everyone else. If I don’t do anything, everyone else will just fade into history. So what does that actually mean? To me, that means everyone else is trivial. It sounds harsh, but that’s the reality of it. For years, I’ve been trying to keep in touch, but at this age and after all this time, I’m just tired of doing that.
[“You Are Not Alone” by Michael Jackson]
I know that sometimes I look tough, most often than not, I look indifferent, sometimes even a bit snobbish and arrogant. Of course, this depends on where you meet me or when we hook up. When we’re in a group, I might walk off by myself, because I like to be by myself sometimes. The thing is, I know my ‘family’ is nearby.
In the past, I told Albert that I like to walk behind everyone, so I don’t lose sight of them, so I know exactly where they are. I like to be back there to watch them talk, laugh, and mingle. It’s really very interesting.
Nowadays, I might walk in front, away from everyone because I like to ‘scout’ ahead. I like to be the lone wanderer, with the occasional messenger or caravan of food and other yummies come up to meet me.
So what changed? Experience over time. My ordeal with Cindy taught me many things, and it opened a lot of things about myself. I definitely cannot be like how I was back then. I can’t do all those things again. I might be selfish to think like that now, but I see myself as a positive tragedy.
There are people like that out there who just don’t ‘need’ anyone intimately in their lives. Ray is a good example. Yes, sometimes, I might want someone in my life intimately, but I don’t need someone.
I just need myself to achieve my goals.
This may sound contradicting, but with that short warmth from Virginia, and for me to hurt her emotionally, and going through the last few years through bad and a little good, Virginia has become something like a pendant for me. To everyone else, she is an invisible pendant around my neck, close to my heart. It’s glowing very brightly right now, yet only I can see her. The subject isn’t whether I am in love with her or not, or whether she is married to someone else or not. The subject is that she is a representation of my morals, my core codes.
Albert and Jon have always known me to be very mellow, silly of course, and easy to forgive. I may be a bit selfish sometimes, but I recognize it more often than not and try to correct myself just as quickly. To have that sort of affinity with two of my closest soul mates is something I not only value, but preach within constantly automatically. I may not totally agree with some of Albert’s methods and stuff, but those are tidbit personality traits that we all have. Without those tidbits, it would make each of us boring and generic. [wink]
[ponders]
[“Nothing Compares To You” by The Cranberries]
I’ve been thinking of going for the rugged look, after I get to my desired weight – or along the way. I’ve always wanted to own an Indian motorbike, have black leather boots, a nice long black leather jacket, spikey hair, and thick dark orange sports shades. 8]
I wonder how I will die sometimes too. Will I die of old age in bed, in my sleep, or will I die sitting on a lawn chair, reading a book, with a glass of juice beside me? That second one would be nice. Hopefully my last view would be a nice one.
No, I’m not depressed or suicidal right now. I’m just being thoughtful. I’m way beyond depressed – way beyond the Twilight Zone. I’m kind of like in a wind sail boat, sailing in the air, amidst blue skies right now… No land to see, just blue and a few clouds along the way. Just keeping it simple.
Hmmm…
I’m going to do a test. Aside from a few people, after our Moustache Cafe outting on the 27th of this month, I’m going to cease all contact with people who don’t ever contact me, and see where that goes. It’s a good way to prune out the trivial ones. Ben and Graeme don’t count, cuz I am at the wrong here.
[yawn]
There are much more to say, but no willpower to continue. Must eat and sleep. More cartoons! Yay!
2:20am