Dreaming in Technicolour

Couldn’t Look At Her


[“Take A Little Hand” by Gabriela Robin]

I waited until now to enter this rather disturbing dream I had this morning. Sometimes, I dream about really grotesque things, but as most of my dreams are metaphoric in nature, even dreams about being haunted by a ghost of sort is normal to me. However, I was wondering why I had this dream of my ex…

I do not remember the fine details, but I was at home – like this home, but everything was spacier – the house was bigger, my room was bigger and I had different furniture in here. I even had a large aquarium with cuttlefish. 8]

There was someone – I don’t know who that was always with me, but always in the background. My ex was there, but we weren’t together. Her new boyfriend was there with her. I remember every time I talked to her or to her bf, I would take a glance at her but never look at her or him. I tried avoiding them every chance I got, but they were always around. Also, I couldn’t make out the person in the background, but I felt that s/he represented a different aspect of myself.

Somehow we were to meet at a restaurant or to some form of exhibition at mall somewhere with a tall glass ceiling. The walls and floor were all bricks. I went with that person in the background to meet up with them, and I remember going over to a shop that sold fishies and other sea life, and watching a tank full of baby cuttlefish swim. Then somehow, I was in a place with Cindy, and she looked different – like when we first became intimately involved with each other. She looked youthful, more vibrant, happier, but she also kept a lot of her emotions inside of her. She was careful of how she expressed herself, and what she said. In my dream, it felt like she was being careful in case I got angry or something.

Throughout the entire dream, if felt like she and her bf was there to try to make me accept them, and the person in the background felt like a totally different aspect of myself – the minority government that is trying to influence me to go ahead and accept them. I wondered why I couldn’t say no to any of that.

The thing that disturbed me the most was how she looked back at me all the time, and how I only glanced at her. I felt that I couldn’t directly look at her, lest I get reminded of all the shit she put me through, that I allowed myself to go through. It’s just that, she looked the way she looked when we first did stuff together. I felt old in that dream, and detached but attached at the same time.

I questioned myself when I woke up. I asked myself why I suddenly had that dream and only now, and I asked what happened to the majority government that dictates the motivations of my will and my desires? Why weren’t my guards around, and how did s/he (referring to the person in the background) get into my home in the first place?

S/he was subtle, and she was a blurred person, but she was able to subtly influence my interactions with Cindy and her bf. In some ways, it felt as though they need to leave, but she (Cindy) needed me to cut the ropes to their boat, so they can set sail.



8 thoughts on “Couldn’t Look At Her

  1. Yeah, I totally think it was video game girl too… she’s trying to set ya free so you two lovebirds can run away to Vegas and elope!!

  2. Not because of this particular dream! 8] Haha… Well, I made a post at DC in January about my failing relationship with my then gf. You can find that post up top in the “Love & Sex” section. A couple of months after that, we broke up. I didn’t really start giving ‘advice’ until sometime in May and onwards. It’s a fun place for the most part. Some people listen to you and they change their habits accordingly, and some people just totally ignore you. If you look at my ratings, I break about even between Excellent and Bad. So… Yeah… 😉

  3. I don’t think I have, BUT I might have. /ponders  Such is the mind of Leeman. I will check it out online and see if I am interested. Sometimes, I feel that such visionaries and philosophers trick people into thinking the way they do. ^_~

  4. Umm he is a psychologist. I read a bit of it. It’s soooooooo huuuuuuuge. He seemed believable more or less. He says dreams show you what you desire. They are wish fulfillments in some way or the other, according to him. Check it out. It’s interesting how he comes to the conclusions of the causes of dreams. If you are impatient with introduction and all that, start reading from chapter three.

  5. Actually, I have the same thought about dreams. I felt that dreams work two aspects of our inner self: 1) intuition and 2) a reflection of our truest desires. Many of my dreams are vivid and so clear to the point where it’s actually ‘nightmarish’ – scary to wander in such a place. Sometimes, I even become aware that I am in a dream and I yell to myself: “Wake up Leeman! Wake up!”

  6. I sometimes give up trying to wake myself, specially when it is a dream within a dream. But just then, ironically, I wake up. 😀

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)