Orange Juice @ 1:34am

[“Infinity” – Vargo]

I think I am hopelessly lost in the realm of intimate emotions. I wasn’t willing to let go and this is where it got me. I thought I would be stronger than this, but as I was wandering around in SWG, I felt that there is indeed a ‘pool of acid’ in the depths of my heart. It’s not killing those loving emotions, but as it continously heals, the acid continues to repeatedly melt away the layers, like a never ending cycle of healing and wounding. I know it’s making my heart stronger with every passing moment, and I hate to admit this, but I find that it’s not very healthy psychologically.

[” Castillos De Arena” – Ibizarre]

I wish I still have that nostalgic feeling, back at that moment in the late summer of 2000, in my office alone, as the sun was setting, the sky became an ocean of pink, orange, and blue. I experienced the streaks of the sun’s rays through the western blinds, the point in which the glass met the light were like stars bursting millions of light years away, dying, fading, and just making the last of its journey into the furthest reaches of space and beyond.

It was indeed a vastly sad time for me, as I battled the loneliness, the abandonment, the lost of friendship, support, love, and financial stability, as well as the major supression of negative emotions inside. However, as sad and heart breaking as it was, I was comfortable. I was young(er), inexperienced, and though I lost almost everything, I had one thing and that was my integrity.

Today, I lost that integrity – at least most of it. Though I do not actively think about this, the idea had come across a few times: Why did I allow it? Was I so blinded for the desire to be loved that I sacrificed my integrity to love someone that didn’t deserve it in the first place?

She was right about one thing, I wasn’t truly in love with her. I mean, yes, I did give my love to her, and I showed her that I did love her, but in truth, I couldn’t constantly feel it. I wanted to, on top of being dutiful, responsible, and unyielding, I stayed beside the burning demon. Indeed, for whatever she did during and afterwards, spreading 2-faced gossip and such, she will deserve all the vengeance I will be dishing out to her and those ‘close’ to her. Unfortunately, it was my fault for allowing her to abuse my emotions.

I have definitely changed. You see, a lot of things from my past not relating to her slowly faded. However, the break-up of this immoral relationship brought out every possible negative element in me, redefined, reformed, and resetted into place. I am a lot more ‘out-of-touch’ than ever. I feel as though I no longer can simply feel with the tips of fingers, no longer taste the mild sweetness of life with the tip of my tongue, and no longer have the motivation to breathe in the freshness of the air with my nose and mouth.

Let’s say one day, Razor Technology gets bought out for 450 million Canadian dollars, I will possibly get 22.5 million of that. Let’s say I would be 32 by then. So five years from now. Yeah, it’s a nice fantasy. I will still continue to work, to try to achieve my ‘real’ goals, but with 22.5 million, I would have realized the entirity of my immediate goals. That is to stabilize the welfare and health of my family. Then I can finally do what I’ve always wanted to do, but where would I start?

[“On Your Shore” – Enya]

I’ll worry about that when the time comes. 8]

I don’t want to work for the rest of my life for the sake of making money. I want to work for the rest of my life because it adds to my experiences as a person, seeking refuge in my art, in my concepts and ideas. There is nothing more satisfying in that aspect than to have my own work on display across the country, across the globe, and have millions of people experience my work every where.

I cannot father children, so this is my only way to be ‘remembered’. Unfortunately, it will eventually fade with time, as new artists are hired into the fold and my work will eventually be replaced.

This is how Heaven prunes the human race, but getting rid of the blood lines of entire families. So far, I’ve worked nearly my entire life. Do I still need to keep working like my parents to the day I die? There are many people in this world who live like kings and queens who don’t deserve it, but their ancestors made sure their descendents would live well, where as my ancestors were mainly all farmers with the occasional imperial magistrate here and there.

A few days ago, I even humored the idea that I would sell my soul to the devil if one existed, so I may achieve my goals sooner, but what if hell did exist after death? Then I would go on for an eternity of pain and torment – supposedly. Then again, I am not a religious person, thus either way, the idea would not be ‘realistic’.

Completely honest and sincere, I wish I did not have these feelings of vengeance. I do not want to get back at Cindy and her friends and loved ones. I do not want to plug obstacles along the timeline to steer towards subtle revenge for all those whom have wronged me. I do not want to hate anyone. I do not want anyone to continue misunderstand me. I do not want people to misinterpret my words, my thoughts, and my actions any more. I just want to live through life as life has given me. I want to be free. I want to live my life to the fullest and experience many things.

You see, I am a very curious person, though I do not show it outwardly. I am always curious in almost everything. That is why I appreciate the littlest things in life – from the rain drop pools gathered on the window sill to the way the tree leaves sway with the wind currents in a forest. I can instantly imagine myself in a different perspective and feelings…

[“All Roads Lead Home” – Gregory Kyryluk]

There are many things I regret, but I try not to think about it. It’s just that… It’s just that, no matter how stubborn I may be, no matter how cold I am, and no matter how solid and strong I express myself, I actually have a very soft heart. All this armour is very tiring, and drains my energy, and more often than not, I know it actually hinders my ability to be aware of those who actually care about me.

The thing is, I don’t want to take this armour off, fearing that similar things that had happened to me in the past may happen again. Then again, I want to find a comfortable refuge. I want someone whom I can worship and adore, and experience life with, and hopefully, she feels the same way about me too. I have never admitted this before with anyone. Though my closest friends have a feeling, they don’t actually know that I desire this aspect very strongly.

I know however, it’s contradictory to other things I want. I mean, I want a meaningful relationship with someone, but at the same time, I want to play. I want to have lots of passionate sex, lots of kinky sex, lots of mind-blowing quickies. Sex is very important to me, because I constantly crave it. It is not equal to love itself, but love incorporates sex.

You know, before I met Cindy, one thing I feared was the superficiality of my own desires in sex and physical attraction. I feared that if I got myself involved with someone and over time, she gets old and I would no longer find her sexually appealing. However, though that is quite possible, I noticed that as my relationship with Cindy extended, especially in the better days with her, no matter how much more weight she gained, or no matter how much more tired she looked, and the less she dressed up and dressed more casually, I felt that my care and consideration and love for her grew. The more those things grew for her, the more I was sexually attracted to her. I mean, based on the usual scale, she isn’t exactly the best looking girl, but through my eyes, she was very cute, very yummy, and very my-type. I liked her a lot for all the good and some of the bad things she was. Too bad that the further bad things she had made her so much more fucking bad.

[“Because I Love You So” – Jim Jenkins]

I tried forgiving her, on my own time, but I cannot. I cannot forgive her. I tried, you have no idea how much I tried just forgetting about her. Everything…

Hmm… What a damn coincidence that this song would come on just now.

You know what I did that was COMPLETELY out of my character recently? I joined a dating site called MatchMaker.com. I expressed an interest in a girl with the alias MinMin_L or better known as Miss Mindy Lum. She’s 24, 5-5, Asian, and studying to become a CGA. We exchanged a few emails in the last three days, but from her first email to me, I felt she wasn’t interested at all, or rather, she’s not interesting me.

Honestly, I joined MatchMaker.com looking for some casual fun, possibly some sex, and if not, then maybe just meet new people for new friendships.

[“My Man” (Remix) – Billie Holiday]

Anyway, earlier, I sent her a blunt email questioning what she is looking for. I don’t know what to expect, but I do hope she will either ignore my email and never reply to me again, or if she does reply, she will actually give me a mature response.

Did I grow up too fast?

Yes you guessed it, I’m going to mention Virginia here. I just wish she would call me back and allow me to show her the new, much more mature version of me. I know it will never happen, and Albert suggested that I don’t do anything. He didn’t give me direct advice because I asked him, “Is it prudent to not pursue something with someone if the resulting end is extremely vague?” He basically said yes. Then I asked myself in an earlier entry here if that was my problem – that I don’t try hard enough?

Should I try? That was a rhetorical question.

[“Good Bye Kiss” – Jacky Cheung]

Cygnie once said to me that his time for luck had passed. This was back in early 2001. He was my age now. Has all my luck passed?

Simply put, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

2:26am