Thalia told me that she can never be in a polyamorous relationship because she cannot fathom a non-committed relationship. Which made me laugh out loud, because her monogamous relationship is anything but committed. Where as my non-monogamous relationship is super committed.
On the idea that I wanted to pry her away for sexual reasons, about a month and a half ago, Thalia remarked that she can never be disloyal to her partner because they are in a committed relationship, where they both have each others’ backs. However, if Thalia and Daffodil are truly in a committed relationship, then firstly, they would not have needed marriage counselling for as long as they did, which eventually yielded no resolution. Furthermore, Thalia wouldn’t be overwhelmingly stressed out, as she has been for the last ten years because her partner puts a very low amount of effort into the maintenance of the family. He basically puts in a very basic minimum and then calls it a day. All of this has resulted in the consideration for divorce she brought up back in 2022 noting she may consider it when her kids are old enough. This also brought about the idea that she may have become asexual due to the lack of the desire for intimacy, earlier this year in 2024. Then when I criticized her partner for being an entitled do-next-to-nothing POS, she defended her partner’s abilities by using the least enthusiastic instance she could think, only a couple of months ago, to try to put a positive spotlight on him. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? If you have to resort to picking out specific things that make him look more like a gimmicky husband with next to no redeeming qualities, then he hasn’t done nearly enough.
Some of the biggest red flags of their relationship started right off the bat, during their literal honeymoon shortly after they got married. Then from there, it was just stress after stress, heartache after heartache, and then excuses after excuses. So with that said, I wonder if Thalia even knows what commitment actually means. It seems that she and people like her believe commitment is about sticking around, regardless whether either partner has done enough to warrant either of them to stay with each other in the first place. Many people stay married due to the convenience of what their marriage provides, but ultimately, yield next to no intimacy, romance, love, and friendship. They are literally roommates that occasionally have sex with each other, and celebrate a few days out of the year because they feel obligated to. On top that, they are so intertwined with common society such as their extended families and married friends with children, that actual separation and/or divorce would be seen as a huge dent in their individual reputation, no matter how subpar their relationship dynamics have become.
First of all, commitment is fulfilling the vows partners make towards each other. Period. Unless it is the act of the universe impeding you, there are no buts and what ifs. You’re either committed, or you’re not. Being half-assed, half-hearted, sometimes-able, sometimes-willing, mostly-useless, doing-bare-minimal are all massive red flags and are automatically considered NOT being committed. Now, I am not saying partners must do their 100%. I am saying if you’re barely doing 50% and less, then you’re not committed. When I looked at old photos of Thalia and Daffodil being super in love with each other, I wonder if they were in love with the idea of each other, rather than actually being in love with each other. One would think that if they were truly in love with each other, they would do everything to meet the needs and wants of each other, bearing in mind, that they must make personal sacrifices in changing their own attitudes to make their partnerships work. I am not saying you must change who you are as an individual. I am saying if you involve yourself with someone else, then you must do everything that needs to be done to make that connection work. There should be free flowing ideas, conversations, emotions, and even disagreements between partners. If you feel you’re being unheard, being disregarded, disrespected in any way, not taken serious, having the things that need to be done brushed aside, and not being fulfilled, then your partner isn’t committed to you.
Secondly, unless it’s a health issue, people only become uninterested in sex and intimacy when their partners turn them off. Amber and I have sex 3-4 days per week on average. We hug and kiss every day. We talk and hang out because we’re best friends. We have dates, draw mushy pictures for each other, and do what each of us can, to help bring happiness in each others’ lives. We strive to help create an environment where each of us can grow and blossom. We’ve been married for 11 years. The only times we didn’t want to be intimate with each other, was when we were too tired, too depressed, or we were at the lowest points of our relationship. When people are in love, no matter how busy they are, they desire each other emotionally and physically. They don’t ask themselves if they have become asexual. They don’t sigh every time their partner wants sex. They don’t pretend to orgasm just to avoid upset in their partner. They don’t stop themselves from openly trying to communicate with each other, on the notion they may start a fight. Amber and I openly communicate our needs and wants. When either of us make a mistake or fuck up, but we don’t realize it, we tell each other calmly without accusations, and without sarcasm. When something doesn’t work for either of us, we tell each other, and we try to make it work, or try something else. We’re actually trying to grow old and grow up together. We’re not competing with each other.
My mentor who is in his 70s and his wife in her 50s, are still having a lot of sex to this day. They have one of the most enriching, busiest lives ever, with kids, and they’ve been married for 30+ years. So don’t lie to me and give me the excuse that you’ve outgrown sex, when clearly, the reason why Thalia has no interest in sex is because the love between Thalia and her partner is based on an idea, rather than based on friendship.
Thirdly, fighting has to make sense. Fighting has to result in the evolution of the relationship. Fighting should be about trying to resolve the big issues, because once you resolve those big issues, then nothing else matters. All the small things that might annoy us, are irrelevant in the bigger picture. Not because they aren’t important, but because those small things become easily irrelevant when we talk about them willingly, then resolve them on the notion we want to become better partners. A lot of couples fight for really stupid reasons. Much of it are just nitpicking at the smallest things, because the big things in their lives aren’t being met. So when they resign themselves to the idea they will never be able to resolve the big things in their relationships, they then start to pick at the small things, becoming super petty in the process. Amber and I don’t have fights for things like this, because we resolved them as they came up. When Amber and I fight, it is because her PTSD has invaded her mind and tries to expand itself into my well being. In the process of trying to mentally shake the corruption that has conquered her mind, I am often faced with that same corruption from all around. I’m not just fighting alongside Amber against that corruption, but I am often fighting against her because that corruption has taken over her. Also note that I am still human with human emotions. While I do my best to fight alongside Amber, unfortunately, when I feel like she has stabbed me in the back, I become hurt and that hurt becomes anger.
In short, we have fights because of her PTSD. We don’t have fights for any other reason. Pettiness isn’t something either of us are fond of. So when we hear or read about the fights most people have, we usually just sigh.
Before I proposed to Amber, I had a strong feeling my life with her going forward will be a difficult one. I just didn’t know how difficult. So I knew, regardless of my faults at the time, that to move forward with my marriage with Amber, it meant I had to change the way I have always been, to meet the demands of living with a partner who has strong mental issues. The first 8 years of our marriage was hard. It was even more difficult from years 3-8 when we started living together. Battling her mental issues was a battle that constantly felt hopeless, but I have been a fighter all of my life, since I was a little boy. Perseverance is a trait that has grown on me since my early 20s, after the failing of Loud Productions Inc., a company I founded and miserably failed. Our marriage started to become better from year 9 onward, and much more so in the current year.
Now, I just want to say that true commitment is about what we do for each other based on the needs and wants of each person. It’s firstly about compatibility, then secondly, about personal sacrifice without sacrificing your personal identity. At my core, I am still the same Leeman Cheng as I have been since my 20s, but my attitude and behaviour has greatly changed in the last eleven years. This is the same with Amber. She went from a demure train wreck who could not go out without support, to a courageous power house that does most of everything on her own, with a little guidance on my part. I am still learning how to evolve myself on my treatment of Amber, and evolving my ideas on creating an environment that is suitable for the both of us. It has been a journey through thorns and bellowing ash, as well as through lush fields and awe-inspiring vistas. It’s all worth it because we’re both becoming more, and our relationship is becoming stronger, easier, and mushier.
I made a vow to Amber, a promise, a commitment, and I intend to keep it to the day I die, maybe even beyond that, if ever. So don’t tell me that we are not committed to each other, just because our relationship dynamics are different than most of everyone else. Commitment isn’t just about sticking around through thick and thin. It’s about actually being committed to each other actively, striving to make a better life for each other, while formulating a strong relationship going forward. Amber and I are poly, because we have a strong relationship, and a strong commitment with each other. Everyone else that enters our life, are flavours to be experienced, and with those experiences, they boost our own relationship. None of these things diminish our commitment to each other. So next time, before you condemn a poly or open-relationship as being non-committal, you should first look at just how committed your own monogamous relationship is in the first place. Just being together and doing base minimum is NOT being committed.