Still Awake

6:21am

[“Lament of the Highborne” by Russell Brower & Derek Duke]

I tried to go to sleep around 2am, but after about 30 minutes, I got back up again to do something. Went back to bed around 3:30am, but ended up lying in bed restless until around 5:30am.

The last few days have been a slight reflection of a year ago. The difference however, is that I’ve been working non-stop straight for the last three days, totally to about 25 hours of Razor work. It was quite a bit of pressure to draw up a rough concept, and work without much of any preparation, then I had to draw my own illustrations – the area I am least experienced in. However, the result is about 90% to my satisfaction.

Right, so the last few days coupled with my work and some stuff between two close friends have been quite hectic. For me, it came at a bad time, but no doubt, it’s a lot worst for them.

You know, I have this song in my cell phone called “Once Upon A December” that I have grown quite fond of. It’s my default ring-tone. I think my heart feels like that most of the time – like that song.

Anyway, I got some emails and MSN messages asking about my well-being. If I haven’t replied yet, I would just like to say that I appreciate them. I’ve just been really tired mentally lately, and getting worst. I’ll get back to all of those whom I haven’t replied yet at the end of this week after I’ve finished up the rest of this project, and complete some of my other stuff.

For those whom have been asking me about my now infrequent contributions at DC, well, very suddenly one day last week, I felt distant from many things. I’ve been listening to a lot of Opera and similar type of music as well. I’ve been thinking about things Jessica have said to me years ago. I’ve also been thinking about various things over the last few years – every major event that has happened and how I handled them.

This is what I see often in my mind – as if people are walking away from me, and all I have to do is call out to them, but when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. They look back, while they walk away, and though they can see I am trying to say something to them, they don’t stop and eventually, they fade into the mist. Then I end up pulling a pencil out of my pocket and scribbling what I want to say in short form on a piece of ragged paper.

One of the biggest problems I have with trying to keep in touch with those not in my ‘local’ vicinity is that I lack the small-talk, or simple “hi’s”, “hello’s”, and “how have you been doing?” For most of my out-going emails, hand written letters, and similar things, I put time and mental and emotional effort into them. Since I find small-talk naturally meaningless, I more often than not, never reply back to emails in time – to keep those receiving interested. Considering my work drains me, as well as other ‘unknown’ aspects I don’t divulge here, I never seem to have enough energy to get back to people in the second place.

So please bare with me. If not, at least, forgive my negligence. At my work(s), I do more than just do hands-on ‘labour’. I also manage an entire ‘department’. My bosses and my partners may not be able to fire me unless I’ve done something ultra massively negative, but I have the weight of the company on my shoulders. If any one of the senior staff loses grip on their part, the company may fall altogether.

Like my work, I am the senior managing partner in creative. I am all visual – well, mostly. Investors, market research, clients and consumers can only see the representation of the company through the things I create. Programming, engineering, and admin comes later when there is an established relationship. If I don’t put my weight into the projects, the company may never take off, or get known, or achieve alliances. Like the last three days, I have unfortunately, allowed certain negative things to seep back into my life. I have to be more careful, let’s just say. This migraine doesn’t help either, and of course the total lack of sleep.

However, despite all of this constant pressure amongst other things, I seem to be handling a lot better than I did when I had Loud Productions. The difference being, I have a ton more experience, humility, and objectivity, as well as management compassion and execution. The thing is though, I would rather never have to hire anyone and know that the project is under sole criticism of my work, thus knowing if it fails, it’s because of me, than to have to hire someone and know that I don’t have complete… Well you know what I mean.

Anyway, aside from work crap, I’ve been feeling down lately, more down than usual. As well, this latest event with Mr. Whiskey and Ms. Orange Peels have added a bit to it, but not by much. Just some things that’s been on my mind. There are so much more worst things in this world, yet things like this continue to happen anyway.

Well, I’ve already said too much. So I retire for the time being.

6:53am