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Eternally Beautiful

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11:22pm

Work mode coming on in about an hour. Just chilling. Came back from a work-out. Pat allowed me to increase weights on four exercises. It was a pretty good sweaty work-out. I noticed that it’s more relaxing with all the lights turned off, so I’m going to work-out next time around 10pm with all the lights out. 8]

[“If I Could Teach The World” – Bone Thugs `N` Harmony]

So what is this entry “Eternally Beautiful”? There are a few reasons – two of which held/hold a higher degree of importance. I’ll explain the first one.

[“Encounter” – FF7 Advent Children]

After I got out of the shower, which was about 20 minutes ago, I decided it was time to back-up the 18.8 megabyte database for the NexusColony forum project, then destroy the project completely. Now I know 18.8 megs doesn’t seem like a lot, but did you know back in the late 1990’s, an optimized web site would most likely have a maximum total of 300 kilobytes worth of HTML pages and graphic files? Back then, many web sites weren’t even dynamically driven and most ‘dynamic’ data were stored in flat files – eg: txt or dat files. Actually some web sites that use news systems like CuteNews still uses flat files. This is due mainly to people not wanting or not knowing how to setup a database.

Anyway, it wasn’t until the new millenia that web sites were able to preload material using Macromedia Flash technology, and in other more advance web design firms such as Mad Rhino, used Java and possibly other means to preload massive web sites. That’s where you hear about streaming media – music, sound clips, videos, pictures, and even text and games.

[“A.S.A.P” – Utada Hikaru]

An active web forum that’s been around for two years, probably has about 100 megs of data in the DB. Considering the NC project was aimed for a smaller audience, having almost 19 megs of data is pretty friggin huge. Imagine importing that into an empty MySQL DB! That’ll take forever if I have to transfer it through a browser!

[grins] Geek talk. You like?

[“Amaranthine” – Enya]

“Amaranthine” if you noticed is a special folder. It is the only Cindy-related folder that still exists on the server. “Amaranthine” is Gaelic for “Eternally Beautiful”. Now do you understand?

Amaranthine (LINK) as I mentioned in another entry somewhere, are 90% of the memories I had the opportunity to share with Cindy in the 15 months we were together. It actually started off as a text document I started on my computer early last year. Then I decided to move it to the web and password protect it. Eventually I opened a private web site called “Gravity” for Cindy and I to enter our thoughts, messages to each other, and dreams, etc, and I integrated this “Memories” diary into that. “Gravity” was named after an ending theme song for an anime I saw early last year named Wolf’s Rain.

When we broke up in September, I closed Gravity in October and restarted it as “Destiny”. The graphics and the theme changed for it, and Cindy and I continued to talk through there when we couldn’t in person and elsewhere. Eventually Destiny closed down as well in January 2006. That broke my heart, because Cindy didn’t even fight for it to stay open.

It was a test as you can see, on my part towards her.

I reopened Destiny as “Amaranthine”, named after Enya’s song and album “Amarantine”. I will skip a few details here, but I’ll clear out the confusion first.

So this entry is dedicated to two things mainly: 1) my NexusColony.com project that officially died late last month, and 2) to the memories I shared with Cindy Lau from 08/29/2004 to 03/25/2006.

Please remember my words here – beauty is poisonous and everlasting, unless of course, the right antidote comes to free its ‘victims’. If you’re spiritual (not religious) enough, you may find that nearly all of my sentimental entries have some sort of relation to beauty.

[pauses]

I’m not feeling sad or anything right now, even though I am listening to this song. The lyrics…

You know when you give your love away
It opens your heart,
everything is new.
And you know time will always find a way
to let your heart believe it’s true.

You know love is everything you say;
a whisper, a word,
promises you give.
You feel it in the heartbeat of the day.
You know this is the way love is.

(Chorus)
Amarantine…
Amarantine…
Amarantine…
Love is love is love

You know love may sometimes make you cry,
so let the tears go,
they will flow away,
for you know love will always let you fly
-how far a heart can fly away!

(Chorus)

You know when love’s
shining in your eyes
it may be the stars
fallen from above.

And you know love
is with you when you rise,
for night and day belong to love.

I’m just nostalgic in a lighthearted sort of way. I am feeling numb more than anything.

I like this song and Sarah Brightman’s “Free”, but “Free” is more sad in tone and in speech. I can relate myself to “Free” in correspondence to Cindy much more. For this song, it’s more ongoing… Cindy didn’t fit this song – a little yes, but not enough. I wished she did, wanted her to, but no.

Anyway, after I submit this entry, I’m going to delete the NexusColony forum. Everyone, please light a white candle for my baby – who coincidentally started and ended parallel to the time I was friends with, intimately with, and fell in love with, then departed with Cindy. It was good for some of it, but not good enough overall – for both of them, no matter how much I wanted them to work.

[bows]

You know when love’s
shining in your eyes
it may be the stars
fallen from above.

[“Free” – Sarah Brightman]

12:31am

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Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)

I am one of the few I am one of the many