Posted in

Those Walls I Built

0

Tune: “Halo” (world tour version) by Beyonce
Drink: Root Beer
Mood: A bit heart broken

A few weeks ago, I happened upon a song by Beyonce while I was searching for a completely different song, thinking this was the one. It resulted in me listening to it for over 2 days straight. It’s a powerful song with a powerful tune, especially the world tour version where she sings it live. This song could be used by religious people and it could also be used by those involved in a romantic relationship. It can also be used by those whom have found their idols, mentors and ‘big sisters’ and ‘big brothers’.

The lyrics goes like this:

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

When I heard this song and read its lyrics, I automatically thought of Amber thinking from her perspective. I am not saying I am her angel or her ‘saving grace’, but it does make me think about her and how she has opened herself up to me. I never once doubt she had opened herself up to me finally. What I doubted was her method of communication. However, right now at this instance, it is much more beyond than just a doubt.

As many of you know, long distance relationships only work if communication is consistent and constant. As with all types of romantic relationships, the only way it could ever work is if both people grow together even if one person is on a different period of their own life.

I found that I need a woman that is growing with me and not someone who is still stuck on square one. I can’t slow down or stop and wait for her. There are a lot of people counting on me, let alone my own desires to experience life and advance my career and hobbies. I want to wait for her and I want to take her hand and walk side by side with her to see the world, to experience the world, to experience love, to extend that love to our friends and family, but can she? Will she be able to?

I have always been a man of action. I may not be very sporty, or very hardcore in gaming, or very business-minded, or very career-oriented, etc, but I have always been someone who kept going even when I was in the crappers. I was someone who had a lot, lost it all, then slowly regained my momentum again.

I am also someone who encourages and motivates my friends and family to do things, to help give them strength to go for the things they want, while offering constructive criticism. Yet, I find that I hold back with Amber because she doesn’t want a counselor. To me, she just wants to take those steps on her own and that’s fine, but when will she take the next step and will she actually take the step and how far is one step?

Indeed, it looks condescending when I say every half a step she takes, I already took five full steps, but that’s what it feels like.

I want to wait for her, to grow with her, but I feel that as I try to, I find that I am still outgrowing her. I need my woman to stand with me, not behind me and definitely not far behind me. I want to be there for her for the happy and the sad moments. I want to experience new things with her, while experiencing the old things she has already experienced and show her the experiences I’ve experienced.

I take her seriously and I try to ease off on being anal. I try to be there for her, yet honestly, I don’t really know how to do that. What does that mean? Do I sit there and listen or do I say something? I end up saying words of comfort, but is that right?

I ask myself so many questions when I deal with her. “Am I doing it right?”

I’ve gone through many lovers in the last 15-ish years. I know what I want and how to achieve what I want, but what I want and know how is still not the same as what two people need to do together to make a relationship work. It’s not really a relationship if only one person makes most of the efforts. I know she tries in her own way, but honestly, that’s not enough for me. “Trying” is fine if “trying” was consistent and constant.

Let’s take my messed up relationship with Iris, the girl before Amber who lives in Hong Kong. When I was down, she made a video of herself dancing to cheer me up. Every week, she made an audio or a video letter for me. Her emails were massive. She would be doing something every day and she would tell me her feelings of that day, the things she did that day, the things she was pissed about, the things she was thinking of doing and we would exchange our thoughts on the subjects. She had a career as an university teacher, a stage manager at a theatre and she loved dragon boating. She was very intelligent, she had a lot of world knowledge and she was talkative and knew when to shut up. She made an effort by sending me music CD’s and letters that she hand wrote herself. She made the effort in trying to make me see why she was worth my effort to go see her. She did all these within a period of two months. People may say that Iris is not the same as Amber and that’s true. However, even though Iris was taking heavy anti-anxiety medication, sleeping pills and anti-depressants that were killing her psychologically and emotionally, she still made the effort to overcome her issues.

On the other hand, I want to say that Amber has done stuff for me within her comfort zone, but we’ve been ‘together’ for ten months and there hasn’t been much effort on her part. I ended up questioning myself lately why we are together. What is the foundation of our relationship? What is holding us together? I try to remind myself why I want her in my life and the idea is very nice, but I am doing almost all of the work and you know what? It shouldn’t be ‘work’.

I shouldn’t have to like bits and pieces of her. It should just be that I have fallen for her and I accept her. Yet, I am standing here alone.

I want Amber to be in my life, I want to be her shield when shit happens, I want to be the hand she can reach out to, the shoulder she can lean on, the voice that will stand up for her and the man she can rely on. Alas. I am here thinking of all these thoughts and it saddens me because she is the last person on this planet besides my parents whom I want to hurt.

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)

I am one of the few I am one of the many