Thoughtful Nutmeg

10 Years of Leemanism

Prior to this post, you may have read “The First Born”. If you’ve been a visitor of my blog earlier than January 1st, 2016, then you would know that this blog once held over 400 blog entries. If you were here since the very beginning, 2006 April 1st, then you would have known that this blog had at one time peaked around 670 blog entries. The reason it went down was because over the years, I despised the political and religious stuff that I posted. I felt that they became stains of my ‘private space’. Then as time went on, I also removed various posts that I felt were shallow and meaningless.

It’s still quite incredible to see that my blog has gone through so much change since I established it nearly ten years ago. Which comes to my next and obvious point: “Where the heck are the rest of my blog entries?”

They have all been moved to a different website. I might actually put a password on that website in the near future, so only a few select people have access to it. Reason I moved them off site is because:

1. Gradually over time, I felt that the blog has become less useful to me.
2. I evolved my way of expression.

In the first three years, I blogged so often with so much passion, but as time went on, I had less I wanted to share and more I wanted to keep inside again. In the last ten years, there had been many times I wanted to close this blog and there has been a few times I suspended it for a short while. There were also times, I split it up and moved my more aggressive posts to a different website, while I left my deeper and sillier thoughts here. Eventually, I merged them again. There was so much uncertainty attached to this blog around the vulnerability I had with the evolution of my thought processes.

There is a part of me that want to document my thoughts as videos and podcasts, but I am too lazy to start them. So part of the time, I speak with Amber about my thoughts. In some very extremely rare past moment, I spoke to Luna about it. So it has come to a point where I feel I can reassign my passion for blogging again, with Leemanism v10.0. So here I am, ‘passively’ celebrating the ‘almost ten year old’ birthday of Leemanism. The version 10.0 was an accident. Version 9.0 happened March 2014. So it wasn’t like I had one version for every year.

I told Amber that Leemanism v10.0 commemorates a change in me or rather, a change in the way I want to behave towards the outside world. I know, it won’t be like it used to be, pages of passionate outbursts of comic relief, as well as the occasional sob-story about how cats should rule the world once more and dogs become the servants that fan them. Alas, I need a place to vent properly. Thus, the change is this: I will reflect on my worries, anxieties, depression and sadness, then I will share with you how I apply my mind so that the worries, anxiety, depression and sadness do not overwhelm me with self pity, digging a hole of despair to bury me while I am still breathing.

Though I ask for forgiveness if at times, I do give into some of that sadness. I find that while happiness seem like such a nice cozy thing to have, it’s unrealistic to believe that happiness is something that is long lasting consistently. So I need another means to keep me going. I’m sure many of you are in a similar feeling as I am, worst or better. In the end, no matter the degrees and gradients of our emotions, we all feel a certain way and individually, we need a means to help ourselves move ahead. If we trip, then let’s find a way to trip in a way where our fall wouldn’t land us so hard.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)