Being Beautiful

7:20pm

[“Forest In The Morning” by Akira Kosemura]

^^ Turn up your speakers or put on your best headphones. I entered this entry in three different times. The first being the actual entry, then the second being the ‘revisions’ while I was listening to this song, and then the third when I inserted this player with the pictures and text that went with them. The actual tune was downloaded from one of my all-time favorite underground groups – Monotonik, release 167. They started out with ambient techno back in the mid 1990’s, and gradually turned into IDM and pure ambient tracks. ^^

^^ Yup, that’s Benny… 8] ^^

(the actual article starts HERE, but you can read the intro anyway)

Today was rather retarded. I got out of bed at 1pm, turned on my computer and well, the computer was turned on but the hard drive didn’t boot. So I played with the internet stuffs for a bit and finally figured I should get a new system. After about an hour of that, I saw a word that for some uncanny reason, I never thought of doing – the word is “repair”.

So I drove over to Addax Computers where I bought all of my office computers a few years ago, and after an hour and a bit later, I went home with a fixed computer and 512 megs more DDR2 RAM. Yeah, I really tried not to buy, but $60 is pretty good for half a gig @ 533mhz. Unfortunately, because my existing RAM is 333mhz, that 533mhz will go down to join its ancestors.

Well, my system isn’t a powerhouse, but it’s about mid-range now. A year and a half ago, it was considered to be one of the few and top systems. Today, it’s barely mid-range. Check this out:

– Pentium IV, 2.8 ghz
– 1.5 GB DDR2 RAM
– 256 MB, EGVA nVidia eGeForce 6800 XT Video
– 80 GB Hard Drive + 200 GB Ext HD

I HAD a 16x DVD Burner, but after barely two months, the lense ‘broke’. Warranty was for 30 days. Next time, I shall purchase extra warranty. That’s $50 down the drain! So now I’m using my old 48x CDRW Drive.

In a conversation with Jon a week ago, we’re thinking of switching over to Mac’s. The PC/Windows combinations are just stupid. Microsoft is a dumb company. Why not Linux? Well Linux isn’t exactly compatible with most of my software. [sighs and sobs]

Right. So that ends my rant for my beautiful computer. Oh yeah, even if it’s a bit old and dated, it’s still my baby. 8]

Don’t you just love my entries? The thesis is so different from the actual topic, and the topic itself sometimes only takes up a third of the size of the thesis. HOW?!?! HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?! HOW DO YOU DO IT LI?!?!?

I don’t know. Ask me when I’m sleeping. I might be able to provide you with an easy answer then. 🙂

So what about Being Beautiful? Well, I recently as you probably have known already, was engaged in a rather stupid debate on beauty and porn. I’m not going to debate porn here, cuz I don’t care much about it. I only lended my thoughts on DearCupid because Ms. Anti-Martini came back to attack me again. Bitch needs a big black guy to knock her up real good – maybe even make her feel like a ‘real’ woman again. She reminds me of this phrase “I’ll get you and your little doggy too [cackle] [cackle] [cough] [choke] [cackle some more]”… 8/

[sigh]

^^ During a break at Iona Beach around March 2004. This was one of many cycling rides we did to and from his house. We talked a lot about his feelings, his thoughts, etc. That was only 2 and a half years ago, yet it felt like… I’m not sure. It feels long ago and just like last year… ^^

So what is beauty? Beauty is mainly in the eye of the beholder. My argument at DearCupid was based on one thing and one thing only. That is, the topic there was physical beauty – the core, raw brutal idealism of physical beauty. It had NOTHING to do with sentimental beauty, nor emotional beauty, connective beauty, spiritual beauty, and intellectual beauty. It was ALL physical beauty.

The thing that really ticked me off about Ms. Anti-Martini was that in every single post she made, she made it sound like the only thing I look for in an intimate relationship with anyone is based solely around physical beauty. For some reason because I mentioned that physical beauty in its most rawest form has to do with the refinement of a person’s physical attire, she automatically thought that I am a pimply pig who only goes after the porn star look alikes, and that I would detest and despise my lover being less physically beautiful if she would give birth to our son, leaving stretch marks, possibly gain some weight, and be tired all the time and moody.

^^ That’s Patrick in 1994 – a few years before I moved to where I’m living at right now. This pic was taken in my house back at Knightsbridge. Wow… 8] ^^

First of all, if that was the case, I wouldn’t have dated any of my ex’s. Let’s look at Cindy, since she is as close to what I find appealing physically most recently. When I first met her, she looked to be about 110 pounds, possibly no more than 115 and no less than 105. She was really cute, though she also looked a bit domineering – externally strong and independent and cold – I like cold girls. Cold girls turn me on very greatly.

[ahem]

Yes, and she had pretty much everything physically that I find appealing. Now she isn’t the most beautiful woman in the world. For me to say she was, I would be lying and I would be delusional. I am a designer, a photographer and a director of sorts. I know what is beautiful and what isn’t. I know what is refinement and what isn’t. However, just because I recognize refinement in someone’s physical attire, it does not necessarily translate to me being completely and utterly attracted to physical attire alone.

^^ Current house, current room, totally different layout. Those paper flowers you see behind Mr. Robot were actually a part of a whole box of them – 143 of them all made for Virginia. I never gave them to her though. Instead, after she left me for good, I gave most of them away. Aside from the pot of flowers I gave to my mom a few years ago downstairs on top of the fireplace mantle, I also have four more in my room. It’s atop the 3 bulb stand-up lamp that I used to have back at my office. Of course it means something symbolically. There aren’t many things I do or did that don’t have meaning… 8] ^^

What else did Cindy have that I was attracted to? Aside from her coldness, I really liked her semi-directness. I liked her ability to talk to strangers without acting polite. I liked how she wasn’t afraid of trying new things, experience new things, and such like that. I also liked how she accepted my invitation for biking, when that was the first time we’ve met each other. Of course, then as the months came and went, I learned to find more about her, and was attracted to those aspects of her as well.

She was physically cute – physically an ideal size and shape. Even when she weighed about 120, I was still totally attracted to her physique. Hell, if she gained another 10, I would be totally fine. She is 5 foot 5 inches tall. She had stretch marks. She had acne. She had a few scars on her backside. She didn’t always shave her legs. However, aside from all the bad shit that happened, I found those things of her’s – naughty and nice to be traits that I find yummy. I didn’t look at each detail in detail. I looked at all her details that made up her entire self. I liked her entire self.

^^ An old bedroom layout. I used to change my bedroom layout once every month or two. Lately (the last 2 years) I haven’t done much of that. ^^

Now let’s put another girl into perspective. I hope Jessica and her boyfriend wouldn’t mind me using her as the example – not that she will ever read this. She’s only logged in once or twice! 8]

So for Jessica, from the first time I saw her photos all the way to her most recent ones, I find her to be very physically appealing. Through my eyes, she may not be gorgeous in terms of some of the models I have had the chance to work with, but to me, through my chemical and emotional combinations, I find Jessica extremely sexy and very attractive – physically. There had been times I wish I had a chance with her, alas, just because person A finds person B attractive and possibly have some form of desire to have her in his life, it doesn’t mean that person B would feel the same way. That is the fact of life, and of course, I totally and utterly accept that. 8]

What else did I find Jessica attractive aside from her physical attire? Well we got into quite a lot of fights back in the day, so I didn’t like her bad temper, and she almost always jump to conclusions before I even say anything about them. I didn’t like that she smoked her health away, and drank like there’s no tomorrow. No matter how much I tried to encourage her to try to stay fit, she would rather look good than to be healthy. Plus it wasn’t like I could fly over to HK on whim, so I wasn’t able to be there by her side.

^^ Those shells in the background came all the way from the Phillipines… Was it the Phillipines? Oh crap. Sorry about that. I just remembered that Jessica sent them to me after her trip somewhere in Asia. I still have them. ^^

Yeah, so what else did I find attractive about Jessica? Her ability to talk a lot about herself, and care about those whom she loves as friends, lover, as family. Her ability to be strong even in the face of a broken heart, be strong in the face of the world – being independent. She has a softer side to her – somewhat of a ‘fantasy’ side of her. Not that she is a fantasy, but I don’t know how to explain this, but she feels symbolic to something superstitual. I am just simply attracted to her flaws as well as her positives.

Anyway, I’m going to use another female, a friend of mine, that is if she doesn’t mind. Don’t worry Spongey, I won’t say your weight and I won’t say anything about anything. Now, Spongey is actually quite cute. Now mind you, I am speaking ONLY from the physical aspect of it.

Yes, so Spongey is actually quite cute. Her head is round, her face is round, her body is roundish. However, despite herself thinking that she is too chubby, I find otherwise. She looks healthy, she might not be fit, but she can still be physically attractive. Of the hundred or so times I’ve seen her in person, I think she has only worn make-up less than a dozen of those times. When she wore make-up, she looked nice but personally, I prefer that she didn’t wear any. Though of course when she wears red lipstick, coupled with long straight hair, wearing mainly all black, and adorn her ears with those huge hoopy earrings, I find myself barely able to control myself.

[laughs]

^^ One of my favorite animal pics titled “Treachery”. 8] ^^

On top of that, she has a great personality. Aside from her religious views which doesn’t always make sense and does get on my nerves from time to time [wink], she is a very cool person. She is very considerate, very nice, very warm and sweet. She’s like a stuffed animal who would give you comfort when you cry, or give you company when you’re lonely, or give you fun when you’re reading a book by yourself… 8] She’s quite well-rounded, willing to try new things, and can be very feminine even if she is tomboyish most of the time.

So one more example… [ponders] One of my clients, a woman in her late 30’s, is a professional. She’s had two kids. I’m sure she has stretch marks. So what? It’s part of the natural change of a woman that has given birth. As a man who could be in love with her, things like that just basically means she is the mother of my children. Thus, there is no reason for me to love her any less because of that. MY GOSH! Yeah, so that client of mine is very attractive physically. Her bubbly personality totally adds to her overall beauty. I can’t help it. I am totally biased.

^^ Back in Feb 2002 with my Snowman. He was built in that morning with my mom. I remember as I was getting ready to head back in, my mom continued to build up his foundations. I told her, “It’s getting cold. You should go back in too.” And she replied in Cantonese, “I want to make him strong, to stand against the wind and rain. I’m putting more snow around his ‘feet’ so he can stand up straighter.” I couldn’t help but smile. There aren’t very many mom’s in this world that would say and do things like that. You know? I told this to Jessica and she told me she wished she had a mom that said stuff like that. I think another reason why I was attracted to her, was because I wanted to give her a better life as well. Meaning, I was drawn to her emotional hardships. ^^

The thing is, though I recognize refinement in physical attire, I am attracted to personality. Personality attraction is the primary medium that I find myself being more connected to. Physical refinement is secondary. However, I would be lying if I told you that I can date someone who has absolutely no physical refinement.

Spongey asked me not long ago if I can date someone who is anal probing ugly but has an awesome personality, and at first I told her that I couldn’t. Later on, I also added because people who have butt ugly physical attires usually have their mentalities associated with their butt ugly externals. Mind you, I said “usually” and not “always”. Mind you again, I have found some super gorgeous men and women who has had smelly rectum personalities.

^^ Tiger Martial Arts Club June 1998 to August 1998, and then a few weeks here and there for the next 3 years. I don’t remember everyone in this picture, but from L-R: Benny Waters, me, Dai SiHeng Benny’s dad, Tom Buckland behind him, Dai SiHeng Benny himself, Roger Voss behind him, some dude, Jonathan Tsang behind him, and the rest… Those were great times. ^^

A day afterwards, I went back to her and gave her a slightly different answer. I said that if I was blind, then hell, I wouldn’t mind, so long as she is good to me, and that she has a killer personality. However, because human beings are born with eyes usually, we are susceptible to recognizing beautiful things physically – to any degree. Thus, individuals try to find a balance in physical, emotional, connective, spiritual, and sentimental beauty in the people they are apparently attracted to.

What Ms. Anti-Martini failed to take into consideration was that my argument was based solely on the core brute ideal of physical beauty. If the topic was about beauty in general, then I would have argued with emotional, connective, spiritual, sentimental, AND physical beauty. Alas she was just too intangled in the anger and rage she had for me to even come close in seeing it.

^^ May 2006 with Patrick on the Western Dyke trails in Richmond. ^^

In the long run, personality is key. Unless I was some narrow-minded inconsiderate fucktard who has no sensibililty in family values and obligations, then sure, I’ll go to LA and buy a porn star to be my wife. However, I am neither any of these things supposedly, so I am going to be opened to anyone that comes along, casts the bait, and tries to lure me in. Whether I bite or not, or bite and get away is another thing.

Please make a note though, attraction doesn’t necessarily translate to me desiring someone in an intimate companionship way. The way my intimate desires work splits into three primary shades: 1) Sexual Lust, 2) Friendship, and 3) Deep Companionship. So for the example of Cindy, my initial feelings were Sexual Lust which lead to Deep Companionship. Due to my illogic, I allowed myself in negative situations with her. In short, she wasn’t a good #3, but she made an excellent #1. For Jessica, there was #1 and the feeling of #3, but ultimately, #2 was the most admirable and honest feeling. The client is mainly #1, and well for Spongey, it’s mostly #2.

^^ Up on top of Grouse Mountain, Oct 23rd, 2003 – L-R: Patrick, me, Carlo, and Dolerich. Taking the picture was Laura. ^^

You understand how attraction works? In another example, I’m going to use Spongey’s cousin – I was attracted to her initially with the goal for #2, but through a night of Port, well, that turned explicitly into a #1. That’s a ‘story’ I rather not get into however.

Oh, and if Ms Anti-Martini ever reads this, well, I’ll tell you that though I have the tenacity to enter such thoughts, I can very well assure you that as far as my physical attire goes, I may not be damn ugly, but I am not physically appealing through my eyes. As a designer in the industry for the last 7 years, you would think that I would try to make myself physically more refined? Alas, no. My work may be superficial in nature, but my combined mind and my personality traits are a lot more sentimental than that.

To give you an idea, I got all of my past relationships mainly through personality alone. Which by the way gives me so much more mental satisfaction. If you look physically great, it’s a lot easier to attract women/men for sex and similar relationships, but when you’re working with something that people cannot initially see, it takes a lot more effort. Well, I wouldn’t say it takes any effort on my part, as it just comes naturally.

Think about it. 😉

8:42pm