Thoughtful Nutmeg

Desert Raindrops

Stress, depression, restlessness, loneliness, emptiness is what describes what I have been feeling for the last few days.

Patrick messaged me a couple of days ago how after he flew back to Toronto, he succumbed to anxiety and depression again. His limited time in Metro Vancouver brought him joy and he reminded me that at any time, if I need an ear, that he would be available for me, as I was for him, regardless of the time of the day or night. That’s how it has been for when Laura was going through her woes back in the day, where I spent countless hours listening and spending time with her. It has been the same with others over the last two decades.

While I utterly appreciate Patrick’s words to me, ultimately, I don’t go to any of my friends when I need someone. I don’t function like most people. I either need solutions or an aid. I don’t need sounding boards, or people that give me cookie-cutter advice I can think up on my own. Also, no, it doesn’t make me feel better if I just let it out, unless the person I am letting it out on is a part of the issues I am having.

I haven’t actively felt loneliness for a very long time. It feels incredibly negative. It’s like when Commander Data activated his emotion chip and felt various emotions, which was quite an incredible experience for him. Unfortunately, I don’t have an off switch.

I hate that I live in the cusp of disaster based on humanity’s folly. If only I am in my elder years, then at least I can pass knowing I won’t have to witness, nor experience the terror of what might come. I wish and hope to be wrong, that humanity from now onward can come out of this. Sometimes. No, all of the time, I feel like a vessel of emotions that the universe uses me to survey humanity’s woes. I often feel I am a prophet for humanity’s woes. Therefore, I keep it all inside and not speak about it, fearing that my feelings may manifest themselves in the real world for others to bare.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)