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Desert Raindrops

Stress, depression, restlessness, loneliness, emptiness is what describes what I have been feeling for the last few days.

Patrick messaged me a couple of days ago how after he flew back to Toronto, he succumbed to anxiety and depression again. His limited time in Metro Vancouver brought him joy and he reminded me that at any time, if I need an ear, that he would be available for me, as I was for him, regardless of the time of the day or night. That’s how it has been for when Laura was going through her woes back in the day, where I spent countless hours listening and spending time with her. It has been the same with others over the last two decades.

While I utterly appreciate Patrick’s words to me, ultimately, I don’t go to any of my friends when I need someone. I don’t function like most people. I either need solutions or an aid. I don’t need sounding boards, or people that give me cookie-cutter advice I can think up on my own. Also, no, it doesn’t make me feel better if I just let it out, unless the person I am letting it out on is a part of the issues I am having.

I haven’t actively felt loneliness for a very long time. It feels incredibly negative. It’s like when Commander Data activated his emotion chip and felt various emotions, which was quite an incredible experience for him. Unfortunately, I don’t have an off switch.

I hate that I live in the cusp of disaster based on humanity’s folly. If only I am in my elder years, then at least I can pass knowing I won’t have to witness, nor experience the terror of what might come. I wish and hope to be wrong, that humanity from now onward can come out of this. Sometimes. No, all of the time, I feel like a vessel of emotions that the universe uses me to survey humanity’s woes. I often feel I am a prophet for humanity’s woes. Therefore, I keep it all inside and not speak about it, fearing that my feelings may manifest themselves in the real world for others to bare.

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Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)