Thoughtful Nutmeg

More Than 3cm’s

1:42am

[“Get Away From You” – Terra De Sol]

As my work files render to 300DPI for tomorrow’s (Thursday) print job, I’ll take this chance to enter tonight’s entry. I contemplated whether to restart my private journals again, as in some way – no, in many ways, I miss those days/nights where I would pour my thoughts and my heart out unrestricted, unrated, unbarred (sp?)… Then again, I drank alcohol to induce diluted and lost emotions, in which it motivated me to enter my average 11 page entries. Think of these online ones as the PG13 version of my private ones. Mind you, my private entries aren’t nearly as vulgar.

I never used to swore so much, nor express such vulgarities in ‘public’. I remember a time when Jessica would blow up at me for some thing and throughout the entire ordeal, I would just ‘calmly’ state my position, and try to solve our issues without saying a single curse or a single vulgarity. 100% of the time – no swearing, no vulgarities, not even raising my voice.

What changed?

Well, my mind back in the day wasn’t nearly as tired-out as today. The entire ordeal with Cindy and her friends and family really drained all that was positive in my life. Fighting those battles really killed my pride and what was left of my integrity.

Recently, I talked with Jon and Albert through MSN. I told them when I don’t talk or see them for awhile, I feel as though I drift farther and farther away from my core. As if my body becomes more and more distant with my spirit, and to fill in the distance, my mind has to reach out both ends to hold them parallel to each other, which in return causes my thoughts to stretch and my memories, the emotions, and mechanics to expand thinly. Every time I catch Jon or Albert, or any of my closest brothers and sisters, even if it’s only a few words, I feel as though the distance between my body and spirit either comes back closer, or my thoughts/mind becomes stronger.

[“Unwind” – Flipside]

For the last two months, I had the opportunity to explore new friendships, new intimate connections, and possibly even new potential foes. [ponders] Honestly, I don’t like any of it. There have been a couple of people that I really enjoy my time with. I won’t name them, but one of them gives me a lot of external comfort, while the other gives me… It’s hard to explain but I did tell her this in one of our conversations…

i wouldn’t think of you as my sister per se, and more so as the mistress that owns the sake and tea cafe down the river, frequented by warriors and entertainers, and i just so happen to spend some occasional nights with u, sharing with u my mind, my thoughts, poetry of the heart, and the next day, off i go again… how do you like that metaphor?

If only eh? Unfortunately, the era in which to house such ideas are long gone, and even if it was possible, often the securities and welfare for lives in such an era are usually riddled with political corruption, war, and even anarchy. This reminds me when Jessica once got so mad at me… Mhm… Nvm.

[“Breather” – Afterlife]

So from tonight onwards, I’m going to try to rid my bad habits and revert some parts of myself back to the more positive things… [ponders] Should I though? I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier and realized that I look different. [grins] I remind myself of Kondo Isao… Or at least, getting there. [ponders] So long as I don’t turn out to be like him, I think then it’s all just fine and dandy.

My entries must be pretty boring for my readers. I still have a lot of lurkers. They ain’t bots, or they would have registered on my bot logger.

[“Dreamcatcher” – Johan Gielen]

Techno. Yum. This is how techno should sound. 8]

Ah I forgot to mention one more person from my past who I lost touch with. This time, I’ll name her cuz there won’t be any harm that will go to her. Out of no where, I get a message on my MySpace.com account from Karibear. At first, I thought it was another spam from those dating sites advertising inside MS. When I loaded up my Inbox and saw the picture, I thought, “Hmmm, she looks vaguely familiar.” Then it hit… Karibear = Kari Meddley!

I called her right after I got her new number, left a message, emailed her, and got her reply, etc. I told her I will call her after the weekend. This week is lun for me.

So sleepy… Still have to wait for the 183 megs to transfer over to my server space, so the printers can download and print them later. Less than 20 minutes left!

This week had been friggin crazy! I have been multitasking 3 projects ALL AT THE SAME TIME! I don’t know how I do it really. I amaze myself sometimes – humbleness aside. The thing is, I don’t know how I am going to finish the video on time. I still have about three weeks, but it’s a tough one. Amie’s portfolio was a killer as usual, and the Corporate site v3 for Razor was tiring as well.

It’s 15 minutes short of 3:30am. 29% to go on my upload.

It’s okay though I guess. I hesitated greatly taking Amie’s project on. I told my mom I didn’t want to, but some nudging on her part ‘encouraged’ me to accept it. Mom needs a new pair of shoes! No, actually, she wants me to help my cousin Christina fund her first year’s university tuition.

You know, it seems as though every time I get a raise or I get a major project, and thought I would be able to save money, something like this comes along and ‘ruins’ my plans to save. WHY?!?!?! WHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!

[calmed]

Some of my friends and colleagues who live at home with parents tell me they pay rent, but that idea is very foreign to me. First of all, I don’t understand why they have to pay rent in the first place, and second, don’t they already give money back to their family? For me, I don’t pay rent. I simply and willingly give 60% of my income to my family. They can do whatever they want with it – bills, groceries, wine and dine, clothes, etc. I don’t ask, I don’t care, as long as they’re happy, safe, and healthy, then it’s all the same to me.

The thing is though, I hope I can get out by the time I am 29… 28 ideally, but is Ray going to be able to find us VC? I believe asking $55k a year is pretty reasonable, since I would already have shares in that company, with a rough increase of $3000 per year.

Right. Nothing more boring than the talk of money, business, and career. Yay.

Finally! 1 minute left to upload! Then burn a copy of the working files, gather stuff for my day job, go to sleep, wake up, go to my day job and set up the introduction for the video, etc.

REMINDER: Dr. Tsang @ 5:20pm – Thursday (today) 29th

[“Aerith’s Theme (Piano Version)” – FF7 OST]

[ponders] This song always makes me think about specific things. [Speaking to myself] I know, but it only works like that. I just have to make sure to stay sharp, and continue by doing what needs to be done, and speak no more of those things.

3:31am

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)