869702400 Seconds Ago

1:58am

Equals to about 27.55979 years – approximately the length of time I’ve been around.

[“Horizontal Departure” by Norman Feller]

^^ Western Dyke Trail overlooking the North West into the Georgia Straight – May 16th, 2006 cycling with Pat

I’m sleepy, so this will be short. The summer as with every other season has came and went. Of all 27 summers I’ve had the chance to live through, this summer was the most active for me. Since late May, I’ve had the opportunity to nearly fill up every week of some form of outdoor activity. I would like to thank Patrick especially for his courage in dealing with me, as well as the obvious task of setting up the hikes for The Chief, Garibaldi camping and hiking, Alice Lake mountain biking, the recent Whistler hike with Jenny and Albert, and various other biking rides around Vancouver and Richmond.

It was also this year that I took the initiative to trying to meet with new people and expand my usual super tight circle of friends. It was also this year that I allowed myself to follow through on a major instance – kind of like a follow-up to something that someone once suggested for me to do. As with a lot of post-break ups, I had the chance in dealing with different types of people for different reasons.

From mid Spring all the way til now, I’ve spent a lot of time with Pat, Albert and Jenny, and Jon’s recent visit to Vancouver with his gf Martine, and then of course the tidbits here and there of people. I would like to whole-heartedly thank everyone for this experience. It’s been better than the last year and a half for sure, and even more so, a lot better than every other year before this – in many ways.

If you said, did my experience with Cindy dictate a lot of these new experiences? I would answer by saying that she was really a catalyst. Maybe it’s true that women in general (that I know personally), take it harder than the guys when they break-up with someone. My heart calmed in less than a month after we separated, though certain things would pop up and a tsunami of raging anger would engulf me momentarily, the other 95% was quite calming for me. Nowadays, all I think about is sex. At least sex was quite good with her. To the basics of our relationship, sex was the best thing. Everything else lacked.

Anyway, like the other day, I told Albert that it’s difficult not being perverted and openly sexual in conversations when one week I was having great sex and the next, I had to use alternatives to please myself. Finding another girl to be highly sexual, willing to experiment and try new things, as well as have great conversations, deep thoughts, sharing of emotions and dreams, intelligent and witty enough to counter my own, and cute enough to be comfortable to my eyes is way too difficult.

I thought about the whole silly laughing thing that I can do, but you know, it’s not really me. It’s only the ‘other’ me. I feel that I belong somewhere else, doing something else, wearing something different, driving a different car, going to a different place to work, talking with different people, doing different work.

Hmmm… What am I talking about?

And to this day, only Albert can read between, around, below, and into the lines that I churn out the best. Of course, there have been a few times he didn’t catch the meanings, but overall a good ratio. I can tell you that 90% of the females and 80% of the males in my circle of friends and family only catch about 5% or less of the things I say or enter here in my blog about.

One of my greatest pleasures in life is to have people piece things together and find the targeted answer within my words. [ponders] Aside from Albert, Kathleen was able to read a lot of my words quite well. That was about it. That’s why I was attracted to her – for that one aspect.

I hate it when I have to explain in detail about myself, about my thoughts. It defeats the purpose of initiating conversation in the first place because it would no longer be a conversation but some form of lecture.

I like to keep things simple. I like it when Albert smiles at two or three words of an incomplete sentence I would say, or he would ask a question but begin it with one or two words, and I answer his question with my own one or two words of an incomplete sentence and so on and so forth. Our minds are in-sync a lot of the times. It’s so easy to communicate with him without talking so much. Of course, Albert likes to rant and vent and talks a lot himself, but that’s just his own worries, stresses, and frustrations that need to be heard.

When I initially corresponded with Erica, she sounded quite interesting, and had hoped that it would be similar with her – deeper thoughts matching deeper thoughts. Alas, it’s possible I expressed some form of insincerity with something I rather not say here. Of course, it would seem that way. How disgusting it is when everything comes crashing down on my all at once, eh?

[“Velveteen” by Yoko Kanno]

Why would a person strive to be different, when being different is a natural phenomena? To try to be different, one basically conforms to the whole trend of caring to not be the same as every one else. Then again, that defeats the purpose because when you try to be different, you tend to become the same as everyone else that try to be different. Thus, there are a lot of similar different people out there.

[ponders]

I find you in my fears
and in my fascination
I taste you in safe water and it drowns me

And finally, the video production project for Sky-Watchers’ Photokina 2006 in Germany this October to November is completed.

Good night.

2:36am