Beyond Raging Waves II

10:25pm

[“Univearth” by DJ Krush w/Tetsuro Naito]

It has been about a month and a half since I used a chain of curses, but I wish to vent my bottled up anger here. Living with my parents have always been daunting and quite testing. My dad especially always tests my patience.

So as my friends know, a majority of my income goes to my family. I basically have no financial freedom. I’m 27, nearing 28 and I mutually depend on my family for shelter and food. Looking at people who live on their own shows me that they have the ability to take care of themselves, but the majority of them cannot take care of themselves as well as send enough money home for their family’s expenses. Let’s put this into perspective – say $3000 for basic monthly expenses.

My mom and my dad has always been hand-laborers. They work with their hands and get the occasional shit from their supervisors and managers. Obviously as I can see, they have quite a bit of emotional abuse from that over the last three decades. It’s something I cannot compare to. However, they always – 100% always, fail to see that things like this cannot be compared, yet they always – 100% always compare it anyway.

Now as with my closest friends, they know I am insanely patient person, but sometimes, I do have my limits. I find it hard to hold grudges against my parents, but as I get older and things get colder between me and the outside world, I find myself more and more distant from things that society and even religion writes what is moral and what isn’t.

What the fuck is morality? Virtue and goodness? Bullshit. If that was the case, people wouldn’t even be people. They would be machines.

So I’m dicking around on the net, just doing crap and nothing and my mom continues to come in to my room, pestering me about my work – that she doesn’t see me working on my projects, even when I told them I am super busy. For fuck sakes, I’ve been working on the video project non-stop – 6 hours straight during the day and up to 4 hours straight every evening for the last 35 days. Going on my hikes and mountain biking with Pat just gives me very temporary relief, but my brain is over-burnt and my emotions are over stressed. I lost weight again – from 121 to 117 in total. As someone genetically born slim, eating lots and gaining weight is super tough. Imagine to my surprise when from April to last month, I was able to gain from 109 pounds to 121 pounds with exercising and mountain biking!

My parents always compare it to people who have it harder, but they always fail to realize that people cannot compare to others in terms of personal stress and pain. The feeling is relative to the individual, their will-power, their strengths and weaknesses. If everyone can compare to everyone else, then the same can be said that my parents can do the exact same things I can – but they cannot.

They just don’t understand, and they will never understand.

So my mom pesters me and I blow up. I don’t blow up that often – maybe once a month or once every two months – a LOT better than when I was younger, where I blew up and had arguments nearly every day. I blew up and defended myself and told my mom that it would be normal for me to take a few hours break from my work, weekend breaks don’t do anything for me. I want to chill, take it easy, etc. You know what she said in return? Fuck, this is hilarious that it makes me want to cry. She said that throughout my entire life, I have never followed through any thing I have ever done.

[ponders]

Alright, let’s see here…

1. I failed high school
2. I started up my own design firm for two years, that failed in mid 2001
3. I freelanced over 200 projects between 2001 and 2005 – I finished 99% of them
4. I started weight training in early 2002, my mom said I will get bored and stop in 3 months, to this day, I still weight train about 3 times a week
5. I started road and light trail cycling in mid 2002, my mom said I will get bored and stop in a few months, to this day, I have taken my Ironhorse to Alice Lake a couple of times, rode Pacific Spirit a few dozen times, rode from Richmond to Stanley Park and back a couple of times, cycled a distance of more than 4000 kilometres over a period of about 4 years, went on numerous rides around Richmond’s west parem, to Iona, etc… hmmm
6. I joined Razor in late 2003, and since then have devoted countless hours, days, and nights to their company, even through my relationship troubles with Cindy, I managed to finish 99% of all the projects Razor gave me
7. I joined two other companies because my parents weren’t making enough money (amongst other reasons), I finished 100% of all the projects they gave me. I spent straight days and hours doing this damn it to hell video production, causing me lack of sleep, moodiness, and loss of appetite.

So hmmm… I guess the 1% of the things I never managed to finish gave my parents the impression that I can never finish what I start?

Speaking of bullshit, guess what happened after my mom left to go to sleep, slamming her door? I was ready to shut up and just cool off, but no, my dad from downstairs had to yell at me in Cantonese that I am always mad – always mad? When have I been always mad? My dad has the bad temper – I see him get mad at least once a week. He scolds me and says that I am the only one suffering – FUCK! Where is the relation? I never said nor did I even express that. I specifically told him that mom attacked me first, then guess what happens next? He tells me to shut up. What was going to do then? Sit quietly, with these raging emotions, ready to just get up and leave this place. I rebuttal again and said that mom attacked me first and that he is being biased and unreasonable. He tells me to shut up again. So I shut my door, and as I shut it, I heard him say the exact same usual shit, “If you don’t like it here, then leave!”

Yeah, I would if the family didn’t take 60% to 70% of my bi-weekly income. Guess what – to all you white washed retards – I’m not going to leave them and never give money to them. I’m not as cold-hearted as all you bastards and bitches you leave home at 18, pursue your own happiness and dance and drink your disgusting lives away.

Of course, I’m generalizing my last comment.

So again as I have said to someone recently, I am stuck. If I have more money, I would leave. I definitely would leave. If emotions weren’t relative to an individual, I would have a lot more reason than some people that I know to leave the parents home.

One thing I really hate about my mom and my dad, is that they never see things in perspective. My mom says she understands, but she doesn’t. She only thinks she does. In return, they act prematurely – that’s why they get themselves in these stupid problems – throughout their entire 3 decades since my dad came to North America seeking a better lifestyle.

People can threaten my life – to kill me – that’s fine, because once they kill me, that’s that, but to threaten my shelter due to my obvious inability to move out by using cheap tactics such as my dad’s is just plain bullshit.

Catch 22 – how glorious.

[ponders]

It just means I’m not making enough. I want to move out. I want Razor Tech to become successful so I don’t have to continue to work two fucking jobs and give most of my income away. I don’t believe in faith, but I do hope Razor can pull through sooner than later. They giving me 5% is nice, but I need a constant salary. We need VC/Angels/Grants… It’s been a long time enough. It’s time to move onto the next stage damn it.

I can’t continue to live here, under the constant pestering and scrutiny, biased, one-sided, illogical roof of this house. I understand why my brother lives more outside and away from inter-family politics and I try to stay away from that shit too, but sometimes, it’s hard when you’re defending yourself.

With all these words said, I even thought of reverting back to my colder self. It’s nice to be silly, but it’s genuinely nicer to be my true self again. I like how it used to be, just the super tight circle of friends – the only ones I entrusted my emotions and my shattered ‘facade’ to. Nowadays, I feel broken up, as though there is two of me.

Silent ambition. Just take it all in.

11:01pm