[“Expand Your Mind” by No Noise]
Looking through my collection of high-res digital photos of the GVRD depresses me every time. I thought – how beautiful it is in a city from the outside-in, yet how ugly it really is on the inside-out.
[“Believe” by Franka Potente]
You know, sometimes when I am at my silliest, I seem to ‘go-out’ of my body for those moments. I can see myself – the darker side of me just floating about, grinning/smirking, and ‘thinking’ that there will be a time when I will go back. It feels like months of ‘heat’ is being disposed of in this form. Being silly, being absolutely ‘perverse’, being ‘weird’ and ‘fucked-up’, but when I was ‘scouting’ head earlier today in our ride around Pacific Spirit, I was thinking how wonderful it would be if I can train on those trails almost every day – no pedestrians, no other cyclists – just ride as hard and as fast as I can to relief whatever is on my mind.
When Emma read my “The Empress Of Kei” entry, she told me that everyone has their own issues and their own thoughts and setbacks, etc. What I am still kind of on edge in my thoughts is whether I am the mathematical complexities of a formula too intricate to calculate with mere human intelligence, and that I am but a single point on a dimension not quite conceptualized, where everything and everyone is but one point in ‘space’, where everything is related to everything else – distance is but a theory.
In other words, am I really with other people, or am I alone – or rather, are ‘we’ alone?
Sometimes, I wonder whether Albert is a figment of myself, or rather, is Albert a complex calculation of ‘formulas’ that make up a ‘section’ of the world, in which the ‘individuals’ of the world intertwine to ‘represent’ the world but as one and the same? So why do I feel embarrassed in sharing something ’embarrassing’ to ‘others’, when they may possibly be just one and the same? Possibly because as an ‘individual’, I cannot realize that ‘we’ are all one and the same, thus our limited minds believe we are all different individuals. Thus, as an individual, we believe we have our own minds and traits, etc, but possibly we all just represent a point in space – all and the same.
^^ Went to the airport Thursday August 31st to pick up Laura around 11:30am which ended up at 12:30pm actually. This girl that you can’t see clearly with this low-res phone cam pic looked quite cute. Her body is exactly the type I like – not too slender, with a little meat, fit and a bit curveous for her size and height, hair just up to her upper/mid-back. Though her clothes were a bit baggy, I can see the shape of her legs and body. I couldn’t stop grinning and told Albert I thought she was cute and yummy.
Lots of pics to upload in a few days… 8]
As we walked back to Laura’s place from Honolulu’s on Main, I was being all gross and silly again and heard Albert and Pat talk about girls who always find the same guys over and over again, and the ‘odd’ ones like me who can make them laugh, etc, etc. What they don’t know (maybe), is that girls who seek laughter of that sort don’t have long lasting relationships with guys like me. I thought about my initial relationship with Cindy and I didn’t make her laugh at all in the beginning. It was only after our first intimate encounter that I made her laugh her head off.
There’s always of course the daring factor, but being silly allows me to ‘hide’ myself. I remember a few years ago, I would be quite quiet, very observant, and I silently analyse everything and cause a chain of events to happen to get to my goals. Today, I try to sabotage that natural ‘action’ by being an extreme version of what I’m not like on the inside. Like right now, typing out my thoughts, I am completely expressionless and I even have a tinge of vengeance circling my heart.
[sigh] I know my excessive amount of picture taking can bother some people. I think like I said above, I’m doing it for two reasons: A) to sabotage my internal desires (I mean to allow the darker, colder side of me to come back out) and B) to ‘test’ their tolerance of me.
[“Juuni Genmukyoku” by Kunihiko Ryo]
Why “B”? Different people may give me different reactions. Some of those reactions come off bluntly and without tact – very often. The rare few like Albert, Jon, and Pat give a different reaction – the ones I like. They may not like it, but they don’t hate it. Sometimes, I feel like Yoda who lost his mind, taking photos of people, just in case one day, I lose my mind for sure.
About a decade ago, Jacek, Tom, and I made a pact – whoever becomes completely disabled or loses his mind, the other must ‘rescue’ him and put him out of his misery.
[ponders] That pact no longer holds, but the idea still does.
^^ Albert skipping work to wait at the airport with me. SHEXY!
When I showered early this night, after coming home from Laura’s place, I thought I should stop taking pictures of certain people like Emma and everyone else who hasn’t connected with me from the deeper internals. Reading about someone’s thoughts is surface reading compared to people who have witnessed the experiences I’ve been through and vice versa.
Sometimes, I think back on the nights I experienced Albert’s sadness, or have him experience mine a few years ago, and wonder how we come to this point in time – joking, laughing, and eating and playing lots, while working of course. Sometimes, when people see me quiet, I always have reasons like being tired, listening to the conversation, thinking about what to do, etc, but in the back of my mind, I am always observing everyone around me. I am always automatically/naturally thinking about where they were, what they did and how they felt, and how they got to this point.
Like myself, the last month was killer stressful for me. I think I am pretty good at masking it, even when I say I am stressed. At home, at work, I don’t really show much of it. It’s when I drive out to the Fraser River or the Western Dyke trails that all of that stress really shows. When I am alone, under the night sky, sighing, breathing deep and sighing more, that I find a whole ocean of tears and tiredness continues to slam against my internal mental barriers. The same ones that kept me barely together 6 years ago.
Of course, today, I am conditioned for mental and emotional hardship. Sometimes, the strength I indirectly receive is from what I think on how my parents got to this point in life. Stress and pain is relative to the person, but I would be shameful to say it that way, though it may be true.
Just like this song by Kunihiko Ryo, I feel as though my heart is that Er Wu playing its slightly sorrowful tune representing my present thoughts and emotions, then the slow but gradually positive guitar in the background would represent the strength that holds me together. [sigh] I constantly feel this way.
When Patrick told me that he cried for Agassi’s lost – his hero, etc, I found it cute in a good way (so don’t think I am making fun of you). I felt as though I am a World War veteran witnessing a boy losing his firefighter hero to a fire accident – still surviving but never able to work again. As though a part of dreams in becoming a great firefighter one day has shattered a bit. As though that dream is a bit more foggy now. It almost makes me want to bring him to a Chuck E Cheese and give him a bucket of coins so he can play his sadness away. It might bring a smile to my face, then when I face my own issues and my own stresses again, I can always think back on his happy smiles. It won’t make me feel better, but maybe when I fail again, it might not be as painful again.
It’s true what Albert said – it’s one thing to have an idea how stressful something might be, but it’s something completely different to actually do what you’re doing and go through similar things.
It’s “do or die” in our world. There is no “maybe”.
As grunts, we die so damn slowly but painfully over a long period of time. So when we finally get promoted to a commanding position, we lose a large part of our empathy because those who were once above us have caused us to behave against what we truly desired in the first place. Hearing Albert want to work just to achieve wealth is a bit disheartening because at the same time, I understand and can agree to it.
^^ Laura’s funky expression!
This shit day-job is my ‘wealth’ acquiring goal – it’s something I hate doing. Razor on the other hand is my ‘foundation-building’ goal – it’s something I love even if the work sucks sometimes. In the day, I am a grunt. In the night, I am a commander. Two kingdoms, damn…
Anyway, it’s late. I’m tired. More pics soon! 8]