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Quiet Mourning

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Well my G-Ma passed away last morning. No one was ever close to her, but she was someone I admired and respected due to the hardships of raising 7 kids on her own during the 1940’s to 1970’s. I am glad my mom saw her just a little over a month ago and got spend some time together.

For so long, I worried that my mom wouldn’t be able to take it, considering how she normally is, but at the end, she ‘shrugged’ it off saying it’s sad, but decades has passed and life gets tiring for the old. It’s an inevitable scenario. I was also fine for the entire day, save the anger I had towards my Christian family members who are trying to give her a Christian burial, then my friend Laura asked if it was possible that she SUDDENLY became a Christian in 2012 after all these years. That is like me asking her if it’s 99% likely she will ditch her faith and become a Sikh by next January. However, I calmed down, removed my FB posts and apologized. I reacted too fast without thinking where she is coming from.

Then a few moments ago, I was in the game Minecraft after having a short Skype conference with Benny and Selwyn about a possible hacker on our client’s server. I went over one of my smaller floating islands and created a ‘grave’ for her. I used redstone torches to signify the red candles they normally use at grave sites and a pot of yellow flower. Then pulled out the tall grass around it to clean it up. I know it’s silly, but then suddenly, my eyes started watering and then waterfalls of tears spewed out. Couldn’t stop it.

I guess this goes back to a blog entry I posted up some years ago probably in 2006 or 2007 about my parents. In the past, sometimes I wondered how I would deal with the death of my parents. Will I be ‘fine’ until everyone is gone, when I can finally mourn quietly to myself like right now?

You know what? I’m so used to this, yet, it can get a bit hard at times. To cry silently, letting the tears roll down my face, down my chin and neck and into my shirt, while I hold back any sounds. It’s hard to swallow, as if when I swallow, my heart is being pulled at.

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Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)

I am one of the few I am one of the many