Kith & Kin

Quiet Mourning

Well my G-Ma passed away last morning. No one was ever close to her, but she was someone I admired and respected due to the hardships of raising 7 kids on her own during the 1940’s to 1970’s. I am glad my mom saw her just a little over a month ago and got spend some time together.

For so long, I worried that my mom wouldn’t be able to take it, considering how she normally is, but at the end, she ‘shrugged’ it off saying it’s sad, but decades has passed and life gets tiring for the old. It’s an inevitable scenario. I was also fine for the entire day, save the anger I had towards my Christian family members who are trying to give her a Christian burial, then my friend Laura asked if it was possible that she SUDDENLY became a Christian in 2012 after all these years. That is like me asking her if it’s 99% likely she will ditch her faith and become a Sikh by next January. However, I calmed down, removed my FB posts and apologized. I reacted too fast without thinking where she is coming from.

Then a few moments ago, I was in the game Minecraft after having a short Skype conference with Benny and Selwyn about a possible hacker on our client’s server. I went over one of my smaller floating islands and created a ‘grave’ for her. I used redstone torches to signify the red candles they normally use at grave sites and a pot of yellow flower. Then pulled out the tall grass around it to clean it up. I know it’s silly, but then suddenly, my eyes started watering and then waterfalls of tears spewed out. Couldn’t stop it.

I guess this goes back to a blog entry I posted up some years ago probably in 2006 or 2007 about my parents. In the past, sometimes I wondered how I would deal with the death of my parents. Will I be ‘fine’ until everyone is gone, when I can finally mourn quietly to myself like right now?

You know what? I’m so used to this, yet, it can get a bit hard at times. To cry silently, letting the tears roll down my face, down my chin and neck and into my shirt, while I hold back any sounds. It’s hard to swallow, as if when I swallow, my heart is being pulled at.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)