[“Octopus City” by Url]
This is a tune I’ve been listening to since last night by the digital music collective known as Kahvi. Albert, it’s release 201 by Url.
I haven’t listened to any underground stuff for a long time, but ever since Pat decided to create his own stuff with Fruity Loops and Reason, I have been considering to get back into tracking, but it takes so much creativity out of me. One of the reasons it was so natural for me back in the mid to late 90’s was because depression and anger fueled my desire to track.
Anyway, I wanted to enter this entry because I had a conversation with a female friend about falling in love with a guy who’s like the perfect prince to her, but she’s heartbroken because she also won’t allow herself to date him. So she called me to vent. I’m posting this up with her anonymity as well as the fact that it reminds me of another one of my female friends whom has had this problem as well. Honestly, I find it ridiculous and I didn’t agree to any one of her points. It was just frustrating for me to listen.
[sigh] Silly silly girl. I say, all you need to do is exile yourself in a place full of your ‘type’ of people. Maybe you’ll find that perfect prince again with the same religion as yours.
As all of you know, to me personally, I am against religious doctrine, but I do understand why it’s needed.
One of the major reasons why I admire and look up to Jonathan (Fong Pei) is because of his internal strength and togetherness. He’s calm, and doesn’t get angry nor does he panick. Only times I have ever seen him angry was on two occasions in last last 12 years I’ve known and have been friends/family with him. Since high school til now, his character hasn’t changed much, and I don’t see why he needs to be changed. From day one that I’ve met him to now, he’s as calm as ever, as collected and as stable in the mind as ever. In fact, if I am a weak person myself, I might even create a religion around him. [laughs] I’ll call it Jonathan and followers will be known as Jonathans. “Those Jonathans are wicked! Let’s convert!”
Joking aside, the friend who called me will be known as Muffin. So out of the blue, my cell rang and I picked up to hear the sobbing of Muffin. At first, I thought it was ‘you know who from my password protected’ who called me again about you know what. Alas, I was fortunate and it wasn’t. Immediately, I sighed and asked, “Is that you, Muffin?”
The last time I talked to her was at least 8 months ago or something like that. After waiting for her to sob it mostly out, she finally said something coherent. I tried in my limited power to try to cheer her up and eventually after an hour later, she told me what was going on. I listened and listened and listened and made occasional “mhm’s” along the way. Whenever she asked me “Do you know what I mean?”, I always answered, “Yes, yes I do.”
Afterwards, she thanked me and asked to see me. Alas, I declined and told her I needed to do my work which has been piling up on me forever. I also felt that she really didn’t need to see me. It was just her way of trying to thank me in person. So if you (Muffin) reads this, you don’t need to thank me. Just be glad I didn’t scold you on the spot. Though next time you ball your eyes out again, don’t hesitate to call and vent to me. 😉
Basically, this is what she told me – she met a guy a few months ago. They hit it off really well. The guy is well established, charming, sweet, considerate, sporty, masculine, family-oriented and reads the Art of War, and practices Aikido as a hobby. He’s a bit older than her, in his mid 30’s and lives on his own. He has a great family, lots of brothers and a younger sister whom they are very close. He’s supposedly a great cook, does a lot of charity work, and backpacks around China. She even said I would like him, and I’m sure as he reminds me a lot like Albert, Pat, and Jon. Yaddi, yadda, etc, etc, etc.
I have to admit, when she was telling me all that, I had the urge to say, “Just get to the point!” Alas, I was nice and considerate enough not to. Hehe… 😉
All these great comments as well as some particulars, she finally got to the damn point and said, “But I’m heartbroken Leeman! It’s driving me insane! I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him. I go through work thinking about him! Everything I do from getting up, eating, and walking my dog, I am reminded of him!”
Please note that Muffin is an independent, well-educated young woman. She can take care of herself. So I was a bit surprised to have heard that from her.
I asked after her rant, “Ah I see… Let me guess, you’re not together with him for a reason that exceeds all reasoning?”
She said, “My parents don’t agree to it! My friends tell me that I can do better! BUT I CAN’T! HE IS THE BEST and I have never met anyone like him nor do I think I will ever meet anyone like that again!”
I listened more about her rants for a few minutes and I finally interrupted her, “I’m sorry Muffin, but I have a feeling that you’re trying to avoid the real subject here. So far, you’ve told me about him, how you feel about him, and how your family friends don’t agree with you about him. Ultimately and remember, this is about you and him and no one else. Please just get to the point, though I know you wish to tell me more about how perfectly missile shaped his cock is and his perfect smile can make any woman faint, etc.”
At least she laughed a bit to that last comment, then she finally said the “R” word. Can anyone guess what that “R” word is? [grins] That “R” word is “Religion”.
In her exact words, “We believe in different things. Our religion is different.”
I asked her, “Let me guess – he won’t convert right?”
That set off another bout of light sobbing, and we didn’t say anything for the longest time when she finally asked me, “What are you thinking about?”
I had a vague smirk on my face and asked, “What do you expect me to think?”
She answered, “I know you’re not big on religion, least of all with your experiences in Christianity, but I called you because I trust your opinion.”
I laughed and said, “Then trust me when I say that I am probably the worst person to go to if you’re coming to me about religion.” Alas, all she said after my comment was, “Please Leeman! Please tell me what your thoughts are!”
Coupled with excessive sighing, I told her my thoughts. In short, I said to her that religion and Christianity is her forte. Without it, she would be lost. I also told her that she shouldn’t stop believing in it nor should she compromise her beliefs for anyone or anything. Though mind you, I don’t actually believe in this. I said this to her because this is what she could only hear – I was sure of it. If I had told her otherwise, she wouldn’t actually have heard what I said.
I told her that though my personal beliefs are against religion as a whole, I understand why religion needs to exist in the world. You see, Muffin grew up in a Christian family since birth. When we first met and in the two years that followed after that, she has met three guys whom she dated but left her. With every passing relationship that failed, she turned to religion and poured her heart into it. In fact, I even remarked once to her, “You don’t need a man! Just marry Jesus!”
Near the end of our 2.5 hour conversation – or rather, her conversation, she asked me, “It hurts so much Leeman, to leave the one you love so much.”
I was hesitant but I finally replied, “Life is glorious, but whatever makes religion a religion really sucks that glory out of life. That guy is there, and he hasn’t even moved. You pressed that pain upon yourself and you’re leaving a perfect lover behind for something that has caused you vague happiness. Throughout the last three years we’ve talked and stuff, where has there been one instance you needed Christianity aside from getting hurt every time? Think about it Muffin. Internal strength is about yourself, in your heart. What gives us equanimity is not what religion can give us. What gives us equanimity is through internal will.”
She was quiet and she listened, and I ended my comment with, “To be faithful to God, you just have to believe in yourself and what your heart desires. To be faithful to God, you don’t need religion to dictate what you believe in. The decay to Life is the restrictive measures of religious doctrine. The growth of Life is the innate ability for oneself to grow with Life. The fact we weren’t born religious means it is unnatural for us to be attached to religious doctrine. I ask you Muffin – why do you go to Jo and myself for advice and opinion when you know well we are both not religious?”
Her first answer was, “I don’t know, because you’re my friends?”
I said, “If that is all we are to you, then there would have been no point in this conversation.”
She replied, “What do you mean?”
I said, “Think about it. People of ‘faith’ are often vague in their ideas of their religious doctrine. When they are not, it simply means they have learned-ego to back themselves up. Most religious people have their own interpretations of what their written doctrine means. Everything from masturbation to sex to violence and marriage. I’m sure you have your own ideas as well. However, if religion as a whole means the absolute truth, then why isn’t the religion as a whole unified? If it was really unified, you wouldn’t be crying every time someone or something broke your heart. You wouldn’t even have been in that situation in the first place. You can argue that God has a purpose for you, but if you don’t know what that purpose is and all you do is put faith into that unknown purpose, then for sure as human beings, we will develop our own interpretations of the religious doctrines.”
She listened and I continued, “You came to me after you tried for a few nights, praying for answers from your Christian god, still sobbing, still depressed. What happened to you Muffin?! You’re supposed to be strong! What happened to that sexy independent young woman who graduated with 4.0 GPA? Now you’re coming to Jo and myself for advice? What happened to your religion? It’s supposed to be the absolute truth and purpose. If you have that, you don’t need friends. In fact, you won’t need advice and opinion from Jo and myself.”
I stopped my rant after that and she eventually softly replied, “I think I need religion to help me live through life, but I love him so much. He’s like you and Jo, strong in the inside, calm all the time, funny, silly, and he’s so perfect!”
I laughed and said, “I’m far from perfect, but that’s the thing you see? You just said a key word there – “need”. People of faith should not NEED their religion. In my opinion, people of faith only need to know how to live and how to grow with Life. If not to benefit others, then at the very least, to benefit yourself. He sounds great, like my brothers. I would hate to see you tear yourself apart because of religious differences.”
With that said, our conversation ended with a bit of cheering up and silliness on my side and a bedtime story for her, then a good night. Mind you, all of the above is not exactly what I said on the phone, but close enough.
I decided to post up our conversation and my thoughts, because another of my female friends went through a similar dilemma. It frustrates me to no end how religion is the cause of most wars, most genocides, most violence, most prejudice, most heartbreaks, most of every other negative aspect of Life. People has asked me before, “How do you keep your focus Li?” I tell them that Life keeps me in focus. To me, the idea of God is what Heaven and Life is to me. Being faithful to God, means being faithful to Life. Thus, I am faithful to myself. My conscience is clear. I do what I do because I choose to do them and not what written doctrine tells us to.
I think the only time I have thought of converting to Christianity was because Julia is so damn delicious and she only goes for Christian guys. Hahahaha! Alas, that passing thought and my schlong at the upright position died very shortly after. 😉
PS: “The Muffin Game” is where a group of guys jerk off onto a muffin. The last guy to finish has to eat the muffin. Gross isn’t it?