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A Whiter Shade Of Pale

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2:40am

(Listening “Free” by Sarah Brightman)

This weekend was extra extra slow for some reason. The two weeks before that was zooming fast. Then it abruptly slowed down to a near-standstill. The hours drifted by as if the hourglass of life floated into zero gravity space, and the sands of ‘time’ hovered and bounced around.

I’ll tell you a ‘secret’… In my semi-quasi godlike days, I thought that the world was made up of only one person – myself. That everyone else in my world was an illusion created from my mind. To say the least, it wasn’t pleasant to live in a world in which my mind created, and I couldn’t be free of that mental prison

Back in the day, only Tom of the Buckland Clan knew my thoughts. It was motivating that I had him as a friend back then. It was as though he ‘escaped’ his reality and came to join me, to help set me free from my own delusions.

Well, I grew up, and my mind matured over time and is still maturing. My character is more defined, and my disposition more refined. Do I still feel alone today? Yes of course, BUT do I feel lonely?

Cindy and I have broken up 3 ‘official’ times, this last one was the final one. All the time except from mid 12/2004 to 02/2005 and from mid 10/2005 to late 12/2005, I felt very lonely. Like I was in a garden of wild roses, haunting me from my past – it’s thorns scratched into my flesh, and tearing pieces off. In its place, the same poisons I used on them, flowed back into me. Wandering, slashing at the thick giant stems with my rusted katana, not really knowing where to go – the entire time, just listening to her voice in the near distance, sometimes echoing from different directions. All I did was follow her voice. In the end, I said, “Let’s stop this” and without a fight, she said, “Okay” and all the wild roses shrivelled up and died, and the ground in which I ran on suddenly became a field of dead memories.

I fell through them, into the same sky of poison I used on my past relationships. Maybe Heaven is trying to teach me to not take revenge, as the cycle of vengeance will continue to repeat until it breaks. A large part of me wants to take vengeance, but if that is Heaven’s will, then maybe I should try to stop myself from falling, stretch out my wings and glide away to safety.

[ponders] I never thought of that before. Maybe it’s about time.

From the lyrics of “Free”:

And do you still touch her like you do
Kiss her all over in the way I kissed with you
And when you sleep with her, do you sometimes think of me
Not if you love her the way I see

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

And then in the evening light, when the bars of freedom fall
I watch the two of you in the shadows on the wall
How in the darkness steal some of the choices from my hand
When I begin to understand

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I think Albert would be pleased to know that I recognize my past deeds before Cindy. I may not have deserved what she did towards me during and afterwards, but… Yes… As I saw her for who she was, the core, I saw myself for who I am now, the centre.

Albert once asked me about five years ago, if I had to choose between the two, which I would choose. He said, a companion who can play an instrument such as a Yi Wu or Gu Jung, etc, or a companion who can sing. I chose a companion who can sing. I am a very visual person, but I am also a listener in-tuned with the sounds of my surroundings. A companion who can sing to me is the greatest ever gift I can ever receive I believe. Especially if she sings to me, to lend me her voice, to ease my spirit, and my hardships.

I believe that if Albert listens to this song “Free” by Sarah Brightman, he would understand more. Ms. Brightman has a very beautiful voice. I believe if I am blind, I can fall in love with her, based solely on her voice.

Stars above me. Stars above her.

3:29am

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Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)

I am one of the few I am one of the many