A Whiter Shade Of Pale

2:40am

(Listening “Free” by Sarah Brightman)

This weekend was extra extra slow for some reason. The two weeks before that was zooming fast. Then it abruptly slowed down to a near-standstill. The hours drifted by as if the hourglass of life floated into zero gravity space, and the sands of ‘time’ hovered and bounced around.

I’ll tell you a ‘secret’… In my semi-quasi godlike days, I thought that the world was made up of only one person – myself. That everyone else in my world was an illusion created from my mind. To say the least, it wasn’t pleasant to live in a world in which my mind created, and I couldn’t be free of that mental prison

Back in the day, only Tom of the Buckland Clan knew my thoughts. It was motivating that I had him as a friend back then. It was as though he ‘escaped’ his reality and came to join me, to help set me free from my own delusions.

Well, I grew up, and my mind matured over time and is still maturing. My character is more defined, and my disposition more refined. Do I still feel alone today? Yes of course, BUT do I feel lonely?

Cindy and I have broken up 3 ‘official’ times, this last one was the final one. All the time except from mid 12/2004 to 02/2005 and from mid 10/2005 to late 12/2005, I felt very lonely. Like I was in a garden of wild roses, haunting me from my past – it’s thorns scratched into my flesh, and tearing pieces off. In its place, the same poisons I used on them, flowed back into me. Wandering, slashing at the thick giant stems with my rusted katana, not really knowing where to go – the entire time, just listening to her voice in the near distance, sometimes echoing from different directions. All I did was follow her voice. In the end, I said, “Let’s stop this” and without a fight, she said, “Okay” and all the wild roses shrivelled up and died, and the ground in which I ran on suddenly became a field of dead memories.

I fell through them, into the same sky of poison I used on my past relationships. Maybe Heaven is trying to teach me to not take revenge, as the cycle of vengeance will continue to repeat until it breaks. A large part of me wants to take vengeance, but if that is Heaven’s will, then maybe I should try to stop myself from falling, stretch out my wings and glide away to safety.

[ponders] I never thought of that before. Maybe it’s about time.

From the lyrics of “Free”:

And do you still touch her like you do
Kiss her all over in the way I kissed with you
And when you sleep with her, do you sometimes think of me
Not if you love her the way I see

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

And then in the evening light, when the bars of freedom fall
I watch the two of you in the shadows on the wall
How in the darkness steal some of the choices from my hand
When I begin to understand

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I had to be free
Had to be free
It’s all that I wanted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Alone if I needed

I had to be free
Had to be free
From feelings that haunted

I wanted to see
Wanted to be
Free

I think Albert would be pleased to know that I recognize my past deeds before Cindy. I may not have deserved what she did towards me during and afterwards, but… Yes… As I saw her for who she was, the core, I saw myself for who I am now, the centre.

Albert once asked me about five years ago, if I had to choose between the two, which I would choose. He said, a companion who can play an instrument such as a Yi Wu or Gu Jung, etc, or a companion who can sing. I chose a companion who can sing. I am a very visual person, but I am also a listener in-tuned with the sounds of my surroundings. A companion who can sing to me is the greatest ever gift I can ever receive I believe. Especially if she sings to me, to lend me her voice, to ease my spirit, and my hardships.

I believe that if Albert listens to this song “Free” by Sarah Brightman, he would understand more. Ms. Brightman has a very beautiful voice. I believe if I am blind, I can fall in love with her, based solely on her voice.

Stars above me. Stars above her.

3:29am