Thoughtful Nutmeg

Free

1:44am

“I had to be free,
had to be free,
is all that I wanted.”

I really like the lyrics to this song. I’ve been listening to it the most tonight and yesterday.

So what gives? What do you mean? You mean, what’s with all the flood of new entries? Well, this is nothing. When I used to keep private journals, I used to fill pages upon pages upon pages of single-space entries of my thoughts, emotions, dreams, ideas, etc. At font 11, papyrus font, single-spaced inside a Word document. Imagine that… 8]

So I finally took some last looks of her stuff – CD of videos, pictures, her sweaty-smelling toque from our last bike ride more than a month ago, her white fleece jacket, bath sponge, some other stuff, and the framed picture of her and I at Shannon Falls. I wrote some last comments on the back of the CD case, a little note on a sticky and folded up that little page in which she wrote her name, cell number and email back when we first met at Red Robins (08/29/2004). I sealed the box with packing tape, and shoved it under my bed. I took a deep breath when I did that, knowing that it would most very likely be the very last time I would see its contents.

[ponders]

Maybe when I am super old, I can open it again. Maybe if I am super old, and my grand children – one of, goes through a break-up and it motivates me to open it for him or her to see. [chuckles] Who knows? It’s the year 2006. I am 27 years of age.

There are still things, probably many long things I want to say about Cindy and I, about everything – good and bad, and everything in between and around, but I have to stop doing it. I’ve entered 31 entries excluding this one about Cindy and how I feel about her. The first few was when we were still together, and the last 23 or so were from after we separated.

Yes, I have lots to say, most of them just repeated emotions and thoughts ‘morphed’ into different words – just trying to release myself, trying to make everyone understand what I went through, etc, but you know what? Each day passes, each night comes and goes. I said my lines, I spilled my tears, and I even said good bye to the ‘spirit’ of her in my room just now – where she sat on my bed that night, where I caressed her hand, hugged her from behind, and then kissed her for the first time.

Yes, it’s over now. [nods] It’s time to be free.

Domo Arigato.

1:59am

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)