4:11am
[rip my arms off and throws them in the air] – paradox? O_o
Ah, I give up.
And to celebrate me giving up, I present to you…
^^ In celebration of the Autumn Festival, this pic was taken around 10pm outside my house.
[“City Lights” by CJ Stone, Tatana Remix ft. Tamara Rhodes]
4:18am
And the journal entry continues as a comment… 8]
It’s one of those things that you go out of your norm to try to do, but when you actually go and do it, the result of trying to do it, doesn’t meet up with what you had hoped for, then it becomes wasted effort. On one hand you have someone tell u that it will be wasted effort if the picture isn’t clear from the start. Then you have another person tell u that it would be a good experience to try to acquire what your heart desires. Then when the time comes to open up those gates and venture out into the fields, you find yourself feeling a few things:
1) lazy
2) tired
3) even more foreign
4) detached from your core
5) mildly frustrated
“You” as in “I”.
Anyway, so I’ve had my chances to make things work, but I’m tired of making things work. I’m lazy because the picture isn’t clear – it’s anti-motivational. I already feel foreign in the place I grew up at, so by venturing out further, how will it benefit me? To unfamiliarize myself with the world? Fucking hell, if I didn’t know what the world is like, I wouldn’t be the way I am today. On top of that, I feel like I abandon myself for things I only think in concept may work. Which in turn goes from curiosity to mild frustration.
And so Terry might ask, “STOP BEATING AROUND THE DAMN BUSH LI AND JUST TELL US WHAT’S ON YOUR DAMN MIND!!!”
Then I might say, “Yeah you’re right, but I’m lun.”
And Laura might think, “You’re a dick?”
Then Jon will read these last few sentences and chuckle because I said “lun”, and the fact I am thinking he might think I think he would chuckle because of “lun”.
And so on, and so forth.
I do feel like I am in my own little world now more than anything. It feels like up here in my mind, and down here in my heart, together with those that have existed in my care is made up of one province, or one country. Having to venture out, is like crossing the borders to try to acquire new land, new allies, and new opportunities, but you know what? The stronger the foundation of the country I am in already, the more difficult it is to solidify the desire to acquire new land, new allies, and new opportunities. It comes down to the paradox thinking of “Why?” and guess what? “Why?” is already answered from the initial reason of venturing out, yet when I ‘give-up’, and come back to ask “Why?” again, the entire reasoning becomes blah.
Get it?
To answer Pat’s question about why it looks like I am confident in expression and strong in my speech – I am that because of what ‘my country’ represents. What this country means to me, and the strength of its foundations. I may not have observed or experience war, death in terms of being directly involved, or excessive drug use, or the detachment of family, but unlike the bulk of the people I’ve had the chance to meet and experience, I find myself in a position where I can justly say I wouldn’t trade my life for anything else unless it would benefit all those that I care for.
The people in my life add to my strength. Knowing that they are who they are, even if it’s Patrick who has trouble finding himself… Of course, if you read this, then I will also tell you that it was great to know that you are starting to see different aspects rather than the end-game. That’s one thing that you found yourself. Now, rather try to find yourself, why don’t you start building yourself first. Finding meaning is meaningless. Create your steps with the hands you have, with the stones, twigs, and vines you have around you. Then when you’ve built the foundations, look at it and see how you can improve on it. You can’t build a bridge just thinking you have to build one. You can only build it when you learn how to build it, where, and what to use to finish it, then how to further fortify it…
Everything in my life makes me feel stronger. My life is quite complete – the obvious lacking things aren’t trivial but those things are secondary to what the primaries are. This makes me wonder if my reasons for being confident and strong is similar to Jon’s now. I think when I reached this peak of understanding, self-awareness, and constantly automatically thinking about my past misdeeds, problems, and issues that affected other people negatively, I am able to become easy-going, simple to get along with, flexible enough and comfortable enough to get to know and possibly trust – even if I do confess I have some harmless ulterior motives – which I gladly would share if you ask… [wink]
When a person face stress daily, and compare that to things that have gone rotten in the past, that changed/upgraded your mentality and emotional intelligence, that same person will have the opportunity to reflect in his/her friends/family. I chose my friends now. They are a part of the family. It is only ‘unfortunate’ I must differentiate them as friends from family due to the primitive usage of speech and text. If we can communicate through emotions and thoughts, then you will all know what I mean.
Laura asked me the other day if she had done anything to offend me in any way. I laughed and said to her that even if she did, she will never know about it. 8]
However, I will say that though I am easy-going, laughable, and I try to give everyone else the opportunity to decide our events together, I am ultra sensitive to everyone’s moods and feelings, and “ultra” is an understatement. I do get offended easily, but the fact remains, I am torn from the inside with objectivity and reasoning versus personal traits. I allow many inconsistencies to pass, and allow many ‘attacks’ to happen as long as those things stay within ‘reason’.
Reason being, I remember I use to get into arguments with people when I was much younger. Every day, there would be an argument. As I grew older, I let others do the talking, hear them out, and nod when the moment arises. I might counter-attack and defend, but compared to the past, whatever I do nowadays is a majorly tamed – “majorly” being a total understatement.
So with this said, it doesn’t change anything. Continue to be yourselves. If you don’t, I would definitely pick up on it. Don’t worry about anything. As said, it’s an automatic mentality. It just happens. I have massive heatsinks that vent off stuff very fast… 8D I suddenly have an image of me with a giant feather duster and Laura being tied up to a post… [twitches nose]
Emma once asked me why I would not try to start up my own firm again, be my own boss again, etc. Reason being, when you’re aware of what it means to run your own company, the experiences faced, all the shit that stirs beyond power and wealth, you would have a million ‘second’ thoughts on trying to restart what you’ve already experienced in the past. Most people fail due to loss of financial backing, off-timing, corrupt management, inexperience in administration, or betrayal. I witnessed and experienced all of these in one setting. Am I afraid of starting up my own firm again? No. It’s not a matter of fear. It’s a matter of reasoning. What would my ultimate goal be for restarting? To be the ultimate boss? That doesn’t interest me. Today’s me is about being a founding father, and not the founding father.
Back in the day, I was king. Today, I am a general. I have the opportunity to follow someone else’s dream, which then makes it partly mine. My armies (the employees under me) are coloured in the shades of our king (CEO/Chairman) and his kingdom (the company). I have my own territories and fiefs (shares and wages), and I have secondary corporate power (senior management).
[chuckles] Well not quite there yet, but close enough. [winks at Jon and Albert]
Let me be silly and perverted, even if my cock sticks up unexpectingly… DAMN IT! You should have told me directly… I didn’t pick it up cuz I was too busy trying to make u strip for us in the hallway. 8]
Erm, yes, let me be silly and perverted and uncanny because there will be a day/night in the future where I won’t be like that anymore. I will no longer be a corporate tyrant. I can see why people become that way, there is living proof close to me, but the idea of vengeance is very petty for me. For example, I’ve been thinking about stuff that happened in the recent past with you know who, and thought if I had that chance, would I really do it, even if it was super brilliant and far from being petty. The thing is, I am as fair as my will power allows me. Thus…
Who knows. Depends on my mood right? [wink]
I understand the fine line between yes and no, and all the spectrum shades of the yes and no’s, but the unfortunate thing remains is that the majority of possible new allies just don’t get it. Thus I lose patience. However, I continue to give them chances – give myself chances.
Albert suggested a few months ago to get out of my norm and go for new opportunities – possible ones for any reason for any cause. So I did. The choice was mine and in the end, I gave up.
Modesty aside, I am like Uesugi Kenshin (Kagetora) of Echigo province in ancient Japan. I wish to continue to try to solidify the province’s (country’s) lands, continue to build on the strength and care of my family, and train up the armies and shinobi to guard the borders, while all the while, maintain the dykes, trenches, and dams.
I just don’t feel like I would do anything else. Yeah, I will still mostly be myself. However, I retract from trying to make new allies, to gain new territories, and possibly new opportunities. It’s just not me. Tried it, and not worth the effort.
I’ve always left it to destiny, and with that, I’ve met and reunited with some of the greatest people in my life. They each have their set of beliefs, questions, and hybrid identities. They are the people I chose to be friends with, whom I have welcomed into my family.
If only some of us do not raise their armies on my land. I’m not saying who this person is, but would it be destiny that members of the family would battle each other eventually? I guess even the most powerful nations, most responsible administrations eventually falter and dissent arise.
It’s not time now, but it might happen in the distant future. Thus I have to call a couple of people and speak with them.
Anyway, it’s super late… Good night everyone. 8]
5:00am
Is that what Terry would say? lol
Ok, I’m going to go to the bank, cash my first big check of the job then come back and call the tattoo shop. THEN i will get some sleep, and when I awaken, I shall try and read all this again.
You may wonder why I post this now….
Well I don’t know. But…well….fuck, I don’t know.
X____x;;
So yeah, consider it a warning, or a sign of future posts, or whatever.
Be back in several hours.
[/Cute Face]
Li,you give howling at the moon a new meaning!!!
What does ‘I am lun’ mean ??I would love to hear about your harmless ulterior motives…..please share them.
May I advise the ‘general’, If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
A
YES YES!!! Please SPILL THE BEANS on those ulterior motives… you KNOW i love to eat beans! MMMMMmmmmmmmmm *FFFFFFFFFFFT*
And for all those times I’ve unknowingly offended you: sorry, sorry, sorry, I apologize, sorry, i didn’t it mean it like that, i’m a jackass, sorry, i feel bad for hurting you, sorry, i apologize again, how bout some avocado milk tea? 😀
All my answers are HERE… 83
well, at least it didn’t take long to read that =P
li, you know what your goals are…..when in doubt, just trace back to that. You know what you have to do to achieve those goals…..You do what you have to do to achieve them….you may not want to invade another country or make alliances with your neighbouring countries, or even just go out and make public relations with other nations, but the ends justify the means (somewhat anyways)….you have to do what you need to do. take it one step at a time.
you know you’ll get there, I know you’ll get there….so patience, perserverence (sp?), and resilience. ha gow!
Ariel – you see what I mean? In reference to my huge ass comment on “Who’s Jon?” – he answers it quite perfectly here… Boo boo cushion to him!
OMG!! he is there to keep you on the straight and narrow.Something like big brother….watch out!! he is watching you.(lol)
Haha… 8]